One of the comments on a post a few days ago, generously contributed by Sparkler, demonstrated incredible insight into some aspects of my predicament. I'm going to address them one by one and see where it takes me:
This is a really tough time in the journey...all the newness has worn off, you're nearly there so you're probably pretty comfortable with your weight right now, so the urgency has dropped.
That is SOoooo right. Truth is, if I didn't lose another pound - I'd be a little disappointed but I wouldn't be devastated, because the worst of the weight has gone. I started at 20 stone, I now weigh about 12 and a half. I'd like to be ten and a half - but I'm thin enough that I can walk, jog, swim - and all with relative comfort. I can buy 'normal' clothes in 'normal' shops for the first time in my adult life and so the urgency has gone. Spot on Sparkler. But when I sit down and really think about it - I don't want to settle for this - it is less than I wanted when I started out and I want better. I am not looking for perfection but I do want to be in control of my eating and my weight. No, I wouldn't be devastated if I didn't lose another pound, but I don't think I would look upon my band experience as a complete success either.
Everything about the band is so familiar which means it doesn't take much thinking about.
Yes, you're right again. But this is the problem. I often THINK it doesn't need thinking about because it's so familiar - but actually it does. For example, I thought I'd 'cracked' the think about not drinking after eating - I thought it had become second nature. But in the last few months I have got back into bad habits again. Also, I have had more slime and regurgitation events in the last few months than I've ever had. This is not because my band is too tight - it's because sometimes I just forget it is there and get back to old eating habits (eating too much, too quick, the wrong type of food, eating while distracted etc). I probably need to get out my old 'band manual' and re-read it again from start to finish and keep on reminding myself that I have a little friend inside me - and it's going to be there for life....
I'd be interested to hear what your restriction is like now on an average day. Do you still eat the same small portion sizes or are you able to eat more at a sitting? Do you still have certain foods that are a no-go area? What's it like once it all becomes routine, mundane and everyday?
When I make good food choices I have excellent 'sweet spot' restriction. My meals are small and they fill me up. I can't guzzle a drink down fast like I used to but have to take it in smaller mouthfuls and slowly. I'm much more restricted in the morning and can't really eat much till mid-morning. IF (and it's a big IF) I don't eat chocolate and other 'bad' foods, I exist very happily on about 1200 calories a day and don't feel physically hungry at all. There's no sign of my band getting looser. There are very fews that are a no-go area - mainly chips (French fries), very fatty foods like battered fish (chip-shop style), and the skins of cherry tomatoes and grapes! I avoid white bread but can easily eat whoolemeal bread (though not in large quantity). Many of the things that I used to perceive as big problems or difficulties - just aren't! I can eat out but do so very cautiously. So far I have avoided having any embarrassing incidents while eating out and would like it to remain that way!
Good luck with getting that focus back to fight off that last stubborn stone and a half. Actually having a break from the strict regime probably won't do you any harm as once you get back to your walking and cut out the lovely but lethal chocolate you'll be like a new dieter who has a really rewarding first three weeks or so. A post-Easter resolution perhaps?
You may be right about having a break from the strict regime but I think I need to get back to it soon. Now that work has eased off I am finding time to get back to some exercise - walking, stepping and swimming mainly. I think you are right - I will wait until I am firmly back in the UK after my trip and then set a date to kick-start my band-life.
Many thanks for your insight and encouragement!
Showing posts with label Clothes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clothes. Show all posts
Friday, April 16, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Back to bandland
Hello everybody - it's been a while! As I sit here wondering what to type, I look back on the past few months and ask myself what has happened? Why have I deserted my blog? It's not just the blog, I have also rarely visited the UKGastricBand forum in the last couple of months - which previously I had visited several times a day. I also kept a food diary - yes, that book in the kitchen that hasn't been touched for a couple of months now. I religiously weighed myself every morning - and now it's once or twice a week - if I dare. If I look through my cupboards in the kitchen, I notice some old favourites have crept back in - bottles of Diet Coke, and the dreaded chocolate. And yes, I know it's Easter, and we can all be forgiven a little luxuriating in the brown stuff at this time of year - but I've hardly stopped eating the stuff for weeks now.
So I ask again - what's going on? I think it's a combination of things - there's no straightforward answer. Here's a few stabs at what is going wrong:
1. The 'light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel' blues. Looking at the UKGB forum, it's clear that this doesn't only apply to me. As we get closer to our goal weight - that elusive target that for the first time actually appears reachable - it somehow remains just out of our grasp. I've lost nearly eight stone and have a relatively paltry one-and-a-half left to go - yet it's the hardest few pounds of the lot. I've made all of the major changes to portion sizes, exercise, bad habits (though some have crept back in) - so every ounce now needs a monumental effort to lose. The result is, frustration begins to set in - and in my case - that leads to stress - which is relieved through eating. Back to the vicious circle.
2. Workaholicism (is that a new word I've invented?!). I know I can't blame everything on work - but this really has been the hardest extended period at work I've ever experienced. Since late August 2009 until the beginning of March this year - it has just been bedlam. I've literally done nothing but work, work, and work. Exercise has all but disappeared from my life, as has any social life, family life and relaxation. Don't get me wrong - I still manage to watch the goggle box from time to time - but it's not so much relaxation as complete collapse! On the bright side, work has definitely got better in the last three or four weeks and should remain so until the real pressure begins all over again in September (!). But I'm making the most of it and have already begun getting back on the exercise treadmill (not literally).
3. Chocaholicism (another new word). Mmm, yes, not sure how to lick this one (another awful pun!). I am clearly addicted to chocolate. Apparently it's not possible to be physiologically addicted to chocolate in the way that you can be addicted to drugs, caffeine, nicotine etc. But it IS possible to be emotionally addicted to chocolate - and I am. I actually booked an appointment with a hypnotherapist some weeks back, but then bottled out at the last minute and cancelled it! Having re-thought this - I'm going to have another go in the next few weeks definitely - what's the worst it can do? And it might actually help.
4. No longer a newbie. Sometimes I look on the UKGB forum and see the same old questions being posed by newbies - the questions I posed myself when I first started out on this journey. I answer questions occasionally but I'm not really sure what I can offer anymore. It's the same with this blog. I've probably said all of the really important things and I sometimes think can I really add anything useful anymore? However, one thing that strikes me, is that there is relatively little written on the web by long term bandits. I'd love to know what it's like to be bandit three or five or ten years on. It's also clear to me that the struggles I'm going through now are not the same as those I experienced earlier in my journey. That probably makes it worthwhile continuing to write. However, I'm aware that new bandits, or people thinking about getting banded, don't necessarily want to read about longer term bandits who are struggling and facing all sorts of problems. I'd hate to put anyone off - because whatever struggles I am facing now - I would not change one step of my band journey. If I time-travelled back to the start of my journey, knowing what I know now - I couldn't change a thing. It's been the best thing I ever did in my life.
So, there are several reasons why I will begin to write again - because I now have more time back to myself, because I still think it may help longer term bandits (and help newbies to better informed about the ups and downs of banding), and because I need to give myself some therapy. What's that last point I hear you ask? Well, I know that many of you have enjoyed reading my blog because you've told me so - and that's great. But it's also therapy for me. It's when I'm writing, or thinking about what to write, that I often make important breakthroughs in my own thinking, planning and behaviour analysis. Even as I write this, it has been brought home to me that I have drifted away from some of the cornerstones of my weight loss success so far - my food diary, daily blogging, daily trips to UKGB forum, and generally immersing myself in day-to-day thoughts, facts, ideas about weight loss, exercise, environmental control, habits, portion sizes, calorie counting and the rest. It's as though I've forgotten all of this - it has been put to one side for more important things to take its place. But what is more important than feeling good about oneself, being healthy and fit, looking good, having a respectable level of self esteem, and being able to wear great clothes?!
So, there are lots of reasons why I've been silent for a while but probably as many reasons why I need to get back on the case and start to get serious about my band, my eating, my exercise, and above all - sharing again. Thank you for staying with me.
Oh, and I'm seriously thinking about 'coming out' - watch this space.
So I ask again - what's going on? I think it's a combination of things - there's no straightforward answer. Here's a few stabs at what is going wrong:
1. The 'light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel' blues. Looking at the UKGB forum, it's clear that this doesn't only apply to me. As we get closer to our goal weight - that elusive target that for the first time actually appears reachable - it somehow remains just out of our grasp. I've lost nearly eight stone and have a relatively paltry one-and-a-half left to go - yet it's the hardest few pounds of the lot. I've made all of the major changes to portion sizes, exercise, bad habits (though some have crept back in) - so every ounce now needs a monumental effort to lose. The result is, frustration begins to set in - and in my case - that leads to stress - which is relieved through eating. Back to the vicious circle.
2. Workaholicism (is that a new word I've invented?!). I know I can't blame everything on work - but this really has been the hardest extended period at work I've ever experienced. Since late August 2009 until the beginning of March this year - it has just been bedlam. I've literally done nothing but work, work, and work. Exercise has all but disappeared from my life, as has any social life, family life and relaxation. Don't get me wrong - I still manage to watch the goggle box from time to time - but it's not so much relaxation as complete collapse! On the bright side, work has definitely got better in the last three or four weeks and should remain so until the real pressure begins all over again in September (!). But I'm making the most of it and have already begun getting back on the exercise treadmill (not literally).
3. Chocaholicism (another new word). Mmm, yes, not sure how to lick this one (another awful pun!). I am clearly addicted to chocolate. Apparently it's not possible to be physiologically addicted to chocolate in the way that you can be addicted to drugs, caffeine, nicotine etc. But it IS possible to be emotionally addicted to chocolate - and I am. I actually booked an appointment with a hypnotherapist some weeks back, but then bottled out at the last minute and cancelled it! Having re-thought this - I'm going to have another go in the next few weeks definitely - what's the worst it can do? And it might actually help.
4. No longer a newbie. Sometimes I look on the UKGB forum and see the same old questions being posed by newbies - the questions I posed myself when I first started out on this journey. I answer questions occasionally but I'm not really sure what I can offer anymore. It's the same with this blog. I've probably said all of the really important things and I sometimes think can I really add anything useful anymore? However, one thing that strikes me, is that there is relatively little written on the web by long term bandits. I'd love to know what it's like to be bandit three or five or ten years on. It's also clear to me that the struggles I'm going through now are not the same as those I experienced earlier in my journey. That probably makes it worthwhile continuing to write. However, I'm aware that new bandits, or people thinking about getting banded, don't necessarily want to read about longer term bandits who are struggling and facing all sorts of problems. I'd hate to put anyone off - because whatever struggles I am facing now - I would not change one step of my band journey. If I time-travelled back to the start of my journey, knowing what I know now - I couldn't change a thing. It's been the best thing I ever did in my life.
So, there are several reasons why I will begin to write again - because I now have more time back to myself, because I still think it may help longer term bandits (and help newbies to better informed about the ups and downs of banding), and because I need to give myself some therapy. What's that last point I hear you ask? Well, I know that many of you have enjoyed reading my blog because you've told me so - and that's great. But it's also therapy for me. It's when I'm writing, or thinking about what to write, that I often make important breakthroughs in my own thinking, planning and behaviour analysis. Even as I write this, it has been brought home to me that I have drifted away from some of the cornerstones of my weight loss success so far - my food diary, daily blogging, daily trips to UKGB forum, and generally immersing myself in day-to-day thoughts, facts, ideas about weight loss, exercise, environmental control, habits, portion sizes, calorie counting and the rest. It's as though I've forgotten all of this - it has been put to one side for more important things to take its place. But what is more important than feeling good about oneself, being healthy and fit, looking good, having a respectable level of self esteem, and being able to wear great clothes?!
So, there are lots of reasons why I've been silent for a while but probably as many reasons why I need to get back on the case and start to get serious about my band, my eating, my exercise, and above all - sharing again. Thank you for staying with me.
Oh, and I'm seriously thinking about 'coming out' - watch this space.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Fat Man Slim
This evening I watched a documentary on Sky Three called Fat Man Slim. It was about an obese, 40 year old successful businessman who decided to change his life. He weighed 26.5 stone and vowed to lose 6 stone in 12 months. He also gave up work for a year so that he and his wife could focus on weight loss, health and fitness. In the event, he lost that amount in the first six months. He did it with his wife by eating non-processed goods, lots of fruit and veg, and doing lots of exercise.
After achieving his one year target in six months he set a new target to lose another 20kg in the last six months. With two months to go he had just 5kg to go, so he changed it to 10kg because that would have added up to a total of ten stone for the year! He achieved his ten stone goal after one year. Amazing. This is a guy with bucketloads of determination. To continue losing weight at this rate he was going to the gym twice a day, five times a week, and eating three small meals a day.
It was fascinating to see him go through the same clothes stages that I did - first they wouldn't fit, then they would, they they were too big!
At the end of his journey his whole face appeared so much thinner and he looked younger and basically fab. Seeing a whole year condensed into an hour offered a fascinating insight into the way that the body can change, given the right treatment. The man, known as 'Squeeze' (!) said that over the year he passed through five emotional phases:
Shame
Guilt
Anger
Acceptance
Recovery process
He talked about the inner battle he has had with himself - not just in the past year but always - and not just about weight but with most things. He talked about how he has learnt how to manage this 'inner battle'. The layers of emotional baggage, fat, and constant over-compensation (e.g. for his weight, lack of fitness and self-worth) - they are all gone now. All that's left is him. On the one hand this is great because he's now just himself, but it's also a little scary.
There was a fascinating meeting with his doctor at about the four month point. The doctor asked him how he was, what he thought of himself having lost so much weight? His response? "I loathe myself less". The doctor was a little taken aback and obviously had no real understanding of the self-loathing and low self-esteem issues faced by many obese people. The doctor afterwards said to the camera that it was surprising that despite all of his successes in life - work, home, marriage - he doesn't have a very high opinion of himself. I can relate to this totally.
Squeeze said that it's not until you admit you have a problem and commit yourself to changing things, that you start to seriously think about how you see yourself. Maybe you're not so aware of self-loathing before, or perhaps you just bury it. He talked about how he was always seen as the fat fool, disguising inner struggles with humour and bravado: "Bravado is a wonderful tool for divorcing yourself from your situation and I used it in spades".
And finally, some advice for weight losers who start to get over-confident: "Whenever I started feeling cocky I would stand in front of a full length mirror and jump up and down stark-b*****k naked. Believe me - that's motivation!"
After achieving his one year target in six months he set a new target to lose another 20kg in the last six months. With two months to go he had just 5kg to go, so he changed it to 10kg because that would have added up to a total of ten stone for the year! He achieved his ten stone goal after one year. Amazing. This is a guy with bucketloads of determination. To continue losing weight at this rate he was going to the gym twice a day, five times a week, and eating three small meals a day.
It was fascinating to see him go through the same clothes stages that I did - first they wouldn't fit, then they would, they they were too big!
At the end of his journey his whole face appeared so much thinner and he looked younger and basically fab. Seeing a whole year condensed into an hour offered a fascinating insight into the way that the body can change, given the right treatment. The man, known as 'Squeeze' (!) said that over the year he passed through five emotional phases:
Shame
Guilt
Anger
Acceptance
Recovery process
He talked about the inner battle he has had with himself - not just in the past year but always - and not just about weight but with most things. He talked about how he has learnt how to manage this 'inner battle'. The layers of emotional baggage, fat, and constant over-compensation (e.g. for his weight, lack of fitness and self-worth) - they are all gone now. All that's left is him. On the one hand this is great because he's now just himself, but it's also a little scary.
There was a fascinating meeting with his doctor at about the four month point. The doctor asked him how he was, what he thought of himself having lost so much weight? His response? "I loathe myself less". The doctor was a little taken aback and obviously had no real understanding of the self-loathing and low self-esteem issues faced by many obese people. The doctor afterwards said to the camera that it was surprising that despite all of his successes in life - work, home, marriage - he doesn't have a very high opinion of himself. I can relate to this totally.
Squeeze said that it's not until you admit you have a problem and commit yourself to changing things, that you start to seriously think about how you see yourself. Maybe you're not so aware of self-loathing before, or perhaps you just bury it. He talked about how he was always seen as the fat fool, disguising inner struggles with humour and bravado: "Bravado is a wonderful tool for divorcing yourself from your situation and I used it in spades".
And finally, some advice for weight losers who start to get over-confident: "Whenever I started feeling cocky I would stand in front of a full length mirror and jump up and down stark-b*****k naked. Believe me - that's motivation!"
Sunday, November 15, 2009
ONE YEAR TODAY!
It's my bandiversary today! One year ago I was recovering in hospital after my early morning surgery. In fact, at this precise time, I was sitting in the chair watching TV and trying to take my mind off the discomfort and general fuzziness that was my head. Reading back over my blog post the day after surgery, I am reminded that on the evening of my surgery I watched the X Factor before getting a nurse to help me back into bed for the night. Well nothing new there a year on then, because I'll be glued to it again this evening!So how has the last year been? Well, on the plus side, I am 110 pounds lighter than I was a year ago, I am MUCH fitter and healthier, and can now fit into size 16 clothes. I still have 25 pounds to lose and a couple more clothes sizes to drop, but even if I don't lose another pound, I would still consider my band journey to be a success. On the minus side, it hasn't been easy. There have been some low points as well as highs and it has been a complete pain the bum having to keep a daily food diary! That said, it will be the last habit I break becuase it has been enormously valuable and I wouldn't have achieved what I have had I not kept it religously. I've had a long route to finding my sweet spot, including seven fills and two de-fills. I've spent 48 days of the last year on fluids and a further 48 on mush!
This blog was started on day one of my pre-op diet, on 10th Novemeber 2008. Since that time there have been more than 6,000 visits to the site and about 350 posts. I have communicated with hundreds of fellow bandits through the blog and through the UKGastricBand forum (and other similar sites) and feel I have made some firm friends, albeit virtually, for life. In fact I will be meeting up with a group of bandits in Manchester next weekend - we've never met before but have all shared the ups and downs of band-life on a regular basis and Im sooo looking forward to it.
My daily life isn't hugely different from what it was. I don't eat breakfast before I leave for work any more - I eat it later in the morning. I also don't eat in the staff canteen any more. I don't eat 'on the go' any more - my daily eating is carefully planned out, prepared in advance, weighed, measured and written down! The contents of the food cupboards in our house are different - there's no chocolate, very rarely any cheese in the fridge (except Rosemary Conley's low fat cheese sometimes), and no biscuits or cakes. I still eat out occasionally, but I'm always the last person to finish now. I can still eat anything. I very rarely take the lift at work and can now take the stairs up to my fourth floor office two at a time. I do a bit of jogging, visit the gym, swim and do lots of walking. I get much less sweaty than I used to!
My wardrobe is completely different. There is now nothing left in my wardrobe that I wore before getting banded. There are relatively few clothes in there because I don't want to buy too many before I reach my final target weight. What has surprised me is the fact that most of my shoes are now too big and my wedding ring now fits!
Looking back to the days before I had surgery, I know that I had a number of concerns - not least of which was 'would the band work?'. But there were other things too, like, would I still be able to eat out? I had visions that I would never again be able to go out for a meal with my family. Anyway, to celebrate my 'coming of age' today, I have decided to start a short series of posts (starting later this week) where I will explore some of these pre-op qualms and look at how they have panned out, how I have dealt with them, was I right to be anxious about x, y and z, or were they empty fears?
If you have any pre-op fears that you'd like me to focus on, please leave a comment and I'll do my best!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Cracks are beginning to appear...!
Make sure you're not eating or drinking anything as you read this.......About ten days ago I was standing in the shower, with my back to the shower head. The lovely warm water was flowing nicely down my back - when I suddenly felt a very strange sensation going on behind. Something was 'getting at' the crack in my bum!! The same thing kept happening over the next few days and it took me a whole week to work out what it was.
It turns out that it was simply warm water flowing down the crack in my bum - between my cheeks! Now while this might be a normal, everyday occurrence for Mr and Mrs Slim, my bum crack has spent the last twenty years of its life in a suffocating hell, abyssmally squashed between two great fat bum cheeks!! Only now that my bum cheeks (are they what people now call 'buns'?) are somewhat smaller than they were, is there actually space for water to trickle between them.
As I lost weight, I was delighted to be able to cross my legs once again, wear smaller clothes, run upstairs and experience all sorts of other things that 'normal' experience. But feeling warm water trickle down the crack in my bum between my cheeks was never on my what to expect list!! What next - I can't wait!!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
More wardrobe clearing
The local charity shops are doing well out of me. I had another wardrobe clear-out last night. I did the last one only a couple of months ago and already I have accumulated another big heap of stuff that doesn't fit me anymore. I decided long ago that I wasn't going to be a pessimist and keep any of my 'too big' clothes any more - they're all going. As soon as they're too big - off with them!I've still kept a couple of large blouses that I could wear in an 'emergency'. Emergency is here defined as a 'posh' event at work or a social activity that requires something smarter than a T-shirt or rugby shirt! Otherwise, there is very little remaining in my wardrobe now that the old me used to wear. I did find a few very old items that used to fit me years ago - and now do again! One was a pair of walking trousers that I actually used today - they're slightly baggy at the crutch but nothing that a good bit of hitching up won't cure! I also found an old favourite waistcoat - I used to be 'into' waistcoats in a big way and could never bring myself to dump this one.
The charity shop will soon be receiving two pairs of Evan's jeans - one brand new and complete with labels! They'll also be getting a couple of blouses and some other tops that now make me look like I've been engulfed in a tent. Talking of which, while playing around with clothes late last night, I reminded my other half that I'd kept one pair of trousers that fitted me when I weighed 20 stone. It's not that I ever expect to need to wear them again - I just thought it would be fun to keep them and see how big they were on me when I'm slim. I tried them on last night - and even I was absolutely horrified at how big I must have been for these to fit me. I could almost thread a hoop through the waistband, dye them yellow and pretend I was a clown! They are gross. But I guess, so was I.
Monday, July 27, 2009
You CAN have your cake and eat it!
Went on the Grand Tour of coffee shops with my sister in Manchester today. I have a few days leave and she is staying for a few days. We went into Manchester city centre and did some shopping, 'resting' a couple of times in coffee shops. At the first I drank a fruit tea, accompanied by a raspberry muffin. At the second I opted for a Diet Coke - and unfortunately I couldn't resist the temptation to eat another muffin! This hasn't worked out quite as badly as it might have done because as well as walking about 11,000 steps during the day, I also did a fairly hard workout on my stepper machine before we went out this morning. The result is, that at the end of the day, I will still have ratcheted up a net calorie deficit of about 800 calories. If I did this every day I'd lose 1.5 pounds a week.
While we were in town I had a look around for some more trousers. I searched all the major high street stores without much success. I didn't really find anything I liked the look of. I explained to my sister that for the first time in many years, I can actually choose what I want to buy. In the past there's never been any choice; I've simply had to buy what fit. So now that I am able to choose, I want to do just that. In reality I only found one pair of trousers that I liked, a size 18, and while they were OK round my muscly thighs but miles too big round my waist.
Then we decided to look in Millets for some outdoor style walking trousers, and initially, I had no success. However, I then had a look at the mens selection and tried on a few. I made two discoveries (apart from the fact that men seem to have much more choice than women). First, in mens clothes I am now a size 34" - when I've bought mens trousers in the past I've needed a size 44"!! Second, the mens trousers feel much more snug on me. The upper legs are bigger so fit my large thighs, but the waist also feels just right too!
So all in all, a very pleasant day out. I got loads of exercise, enjoyed TWO muffins, bought some perfect trousers, and will go to bed knowing that I've still lost weight today! Sometimes, you CAN have your cake and eat it!!
While we were in town I had a look around for some more trousers. I searched all the major high street stores without much success. I didn't really find anything I liked the look of. I explained to my sister that for the first time in many years, I can actually choose what I want to buy. In the past there's never been any choice; I've simply had to buy what fit. So now that I am able to choose, I want to do just that. In reality I only found one pair of trousers that I liked, a size 18, and while they were OK round my muscly thighs but miles too big round my waist.
Then we decided to look in Millets for some outdoor style walking trousers, and initially, I had no success. However, I then had a look at the mens selection and tried on a few. I made two discoveries (apart from the fact that men seem to have much more choice than women). First, in mens clothes I am now a size 34" - when I've bought mens trousers in the past I've needed a size 44"!! Second, the mens trousers feel much more snug on me. The upper legs are bigger so fit my large thighs, but the waist also feels just right too!
So all in all, a very pleasant day out. I got loads of exercise, enjoyed TWO muffins, bought some perfect trousers, and will go to bed knowing that I've still lost weight today! Sometimes, you CAN have your cake and eat it!!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
A body like my mum's
My new body is starting to take shape. I have noticed two similarities I share with my mum. She passed away in 1996 but one of my residing memories of her is that she was always on a diet. She was never more than a few pounds overweight but very frequently she would go on another diet to lose half a stone or so. Even a few pounds would make a noticeable difference to her physical appearance. And the thing was, that she always lost weight around her neck, shoulders and upper chest. Her waist was also quite small. The place where she always wanted to lose weight - around her thighs - was always the last place the weight came off.
What I have noticed is that my body seems to be going the same way as hers. If I look at myself in the mirror just from my upper chest upwards, I look quite slim now. However, I bought some new jeans the other day and found that my lower half is a bit weird! I say that because a size 16 fits me round the waist (which has shrunk quite noticeably), but is too tight round my upper legs. A size 18, on the other hand (which is what I ended up buying), fits me round my legs but is too loose round the waist. I decided my only option was to buy the bigger ones and put a few stitches in around the waist. I suppose I could wear a belt but I've never found them very comfortable.
I also bought a new bra and underwear and found I'd dropped a size in both of those too! I don't think it will too long now before I can fit into a 'normal' 36C!
Anyway mum, looks like I'll be following in your footsteps. I guess I'll always have some loose skin on my arms and inner thighs but as long as I get down to a normal body size at some point, I'll be happy!
What I have noticed is that my body seems to be going the same way as hers. If I look at myself in the mirror just from my upper chest upwards, I look quite slim now. However, I bought some new jeans the other day and found that my lower half is a bit weird! I say that because a size 16 fits me round the waist (which has shrunk quite noticeably), but is too tight round my upper legs. A size 18, on the other hand (which is what I ended up buying), fits me round my legs but is too loose round the waist. I decided my only option was to buy the bigger ones and put a few stitches in around the waist. I suppose I could wear a belt but I've never found them very comfortable.
I also bought a new bra and underwear and found I'd dropped a size in both of those too! I don't think it will too long now before I can fit into a 'normal' 36C!
Anyway mum, looks like I'll be following in your footsteps. I guess I'll always have some loose skin on my arms and inner thighs but as long as I get down to a normal body size at some point, I'll be happy!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Shopping woes
I went shopping for some new clothes on Saturday - without too much success I'm afraid to say. I seriously need some more tops to wear - I keep getting rid of old ones that are miles too big for me and my total clothes supply is shrinking fast. In fact, I only have two T-shirts suitable for wearing in public (I have a few other baggy tops that are OK for hanging around the house in). I am also getting very short on trousers. I have only three pairs that fit me now - two have been altered twice and one has been altered once. There is a limit to how many times you can put trousers under the sewing machine!
Anyhow, Saturday I concentrated on tops and I searched in vain in a number of clothes shops. All I could find were really bright, flowery, low cut or otherwise 'skimpy' tops. Everything I saw appeared to be designed for wearing on the beach! I am, and always have been, something of a Tomboy, so I like simple, plain clothes in pastel shades that don't show too much of my body. I ended up in Burton's - a men's clothes shop - and bought three T-shirts from there! They are not ideal, but in my opinion, better than anything I found in the ladies shops!!
While I was out, I thought I'd keep an eye open for any suitable trousers - and found some bootleg cut jeans I rather liked the look of. However, the biggest size they had was just a 16. The trousers I am currently wearing (altered twice, mind) are a 20 - so I know I'm no longer a 20. But to hope that I might be able to get into a 16? Well, I tried them on. The verdict? Well, let's put it this way - I got them on and even did the zipper up - and I was able to breathe (!). But I don't think I could have walked properly in them and they didn't feel comfortable. So I guess I am very close to being able to fit into a size 16, but just not quite there yet.
Anyhow, Saturday I concentrated on tops and I searched in vain in a number of clothes shops. All I could find were really bright, flowery, low cut or otherwise 'skimpy' tops. Everything I saw appeared to be designed for wearing on the beach! I am, and always have been, something of a Tomboy, so I like simple, plain clothes in pastel shades that don't show too much of my body. I ended up in Burton's - a men's clothes shop - and bought three T-shirts from there! They are not ideal, but in my opinion, better than anything I found in the ladies shops!!
While I was out, I thought I'd keep an eye open for any suitable trousers - and found some bootleg cut jeans I rather liked the look of. However, the biggest size they had was just a 16. The trousers I am currently wearing (altered twice, mind) are a 20 - so I know I'm no longer a 20. But to hope that I might be able to get into a 16? Well, I tried them on. The verdict? Well, let's put it this way - I got them on and even did the zipper up - and I was able to breathe (!). But I don't think I could have walked properly in them and they didn't feel comfortable. So I guess I am very close to being able to fit into a size 16, but just not quite there yet.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
New bra!
Inspired by a post on the UKGastricBand forum, I am reminded that I purchased two new bras last weekend. My old bras have been steadily getting bigger and bigger (well actually, I have been getting smaller and smaller - but you know what I mean) but since they are so expensive and such a faff to buy, I have been holding on as long as I could before replacing them. A couple of weeks ago I went to the first session of a pilates course. When I laid down on the floor to do one of the exercises I wondered where my boobs had disappeared to - in fact they were hanging down my sides!! That's how much support my bra was (or wasn't) providing! Ha ha!
Anyway, I decided enough was enough and marched myself off to Marks and Spencer to get measured up. My old bras were size 44E. My new size? Wait for it....... 38DD!! I couldn't believe it - in fact I asked the lady if she was sure she had done it right! No wonder my boobs have been hanging all over the shop in my old bras - even the lady in M+S commented that my bra wasn't giving me any support at all. Obviously when you are a young girl growing up, you pass through all the sizes before getting to your adult size - my adult size was always 38!! I cannot believe that my chest measurement is now basically as small as it ever was as an adult!
Armed with a pocket full of money (to any blokes reading this - bras really are expensive!!) I set about selecting a couple of new 'uns. Sitting here typing this now, with one of them on of course, I have to say it really feels comfortable and is giving me heaps of support. I also seem to have more 'shape' to my upper body than previously, with bits poking in and out in the right places if you see what I mean! M+S have a special deal on at the moment offering 25% of all bras - apparently this is meant to be some sort of recompense for their now discarded policy of charging more for bigger sizes - they have apologised about that!! See: http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2009/may/08/marks-and-spencer-bras-facebook
So ladies, don't delay, get yourselves down to M+S (I'm not on a commission, honest!) and get some support!
Anyway, I decided enough was enough and marched myself off to Marks and Spencer to get measured up. My old bras were size 44E. My new size? Wait for it....... 38DD!! I couldn't believe it - in fact I asked the lady if she was sure she had done it right! No wonder my boobs have been hanging all over the shop in my old bras - even the lady in M+S commented that my bra wasn't giving me any support at all. Obviously when you are a young girl growing up, you pass through all the sizes before getting to your adult size - my adult size was always 38!! I cannot believe that my chest measurement is now basically as small as it ever was as an adult!
Armed with a pocket full of money (to any blokes reading this - bras really are expensive!!) I set about selecting a couple of new 'uns. Sitting here typing this now, with one of them on of course, I have to say it really feels comfortable and is giving me heaps of support. I also seem to have more 'shape' to my upper body than previously, with bits poking in and out in the right places if you see what I mean! M+S have a special deal on at the moment offering 25% of all bras - apparently this is meant to be some sort of recompense for their now discarded policy of charging more for bigger sizes - they have apologised about that!! See: http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2009/may/08/marks-and-spencer-bras-facebook
So ladies, don't delay, get yourselves down to M+S (I'm not on a commission, honest!) and get some support!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Life 'on hold' for 15 years
In Khaliah Ali's book (see earlier post), she talks about how she sometimes felt her life was on hold while she was overweight. That really struck home for me. For about fifteen years there have been numerous occasions when I have promised myself that I would do x, or y, "when I lose weight". It was as though losing weight was an inevitability - something that was just around the corner - it was just a matter of actually getting off the starting blocks. Of course, that corner was a long one that went on forever. The reality was that, that time, "when I lose weight" just never came. I think that perhaps the eventual realisation that it was never going to come was what finally convinced me to opt for gastric surgery.
I had a wardrobe full of clothes that I was going to wear "when I lost weight". Clothes that wouldn't even fit when I bought them, but that I was convinced I would be able to wear in a week or two, or a month or three! There have been so many things that I wanted to do too, "when I lost weight". I wanted to walk The Pennine Way, there were mountains I wanted to climb, I wanted to take up running again and get serious about playing badminton. I wanted to go walking with others and be able to keep up and I wanted NOT to hold my husband back when we went for walks together. I have been doing this for years, constantly asking him to slow down because I was so out of breath and unable to keep up the pace. Now he is getting older (he's quite a bit older than me) and I fear I have robbed him of those years together when we could have done more adventurous things but couldn't because of my lack of fitness.
It's a weird feeling when part of your brain lives in reality and part of it lives in some fantasy land. The reality-conscious brain knew I wasn't going to lose weight (i.e. permanently) and got totally and utterly depressed. The fantasy-land brain was always hopeful, perhaps even in denial, and did all the silly stuff of buying smaller clothes that wouldn't fit etc. There was even a sense of it being OK when I ate tonnes of chocolate - because I would lose the weight tomorrow. Fat chance.
I guess being a bandit means that I am no longer in denial - and that's a step forward I suppose. I am still very hopeful that I will lose all the weight that I want to and eventually reach my target weight. I am gradually becoming accustomed to the idea that I won't necessarily like the way my body looks when I get there but I will at least have no excuse for not getting fit and staying healthy any more. I am hopeful, at last, that I no longer have to live in that fantasy-land, that my age-old fantasy might actually become reality after all. I have lost 5.5 stones (78 pounds) but stilll have about 4 stones (56 pounds) to go. My target is still such a long way off but I am no longer going to live for tomorrow - I'm living for today.
I had a wardrobe full of clothes that I was going to wear "when I lost weight". Clothes that wouldn't even fit when I bought them, but that I was convinced I would be able to wear in a week or two, or a month or three! There have been so many things that I wanted to do too, "when I lost weight". I wanted to walk The Pennine Way, there were mountains I wanted to climb, I wanted to take up running again and get serious about playing badminton. I wanted to go walking with others and be able to keep up and I wanted NOT to hold my husband back when we went for walks together. I have been doing this for years, constantly asking him to slow down because I was so out of breath and unable to keep up the pace. Now he is getting older (he's quite a bit older than me) and I fear I have robbed him of those years together when we could have done more adventurous things but couldn't because of my lack of fitness.
It's a weird feeling when part of your brain lives in reality and part of it lives in some fantasy land. The reality-conscious brain knew I wasn't going to lose weight (i.e. permanently) and got totally and utterly depressed. The fantasy-land brain was always hopeful, perhaps even in denial, and did all the silly stuff of buying smaller clothes that wouldn't fit etc. There was even a sense of it being OK when I ate tonnes of chocolate - because I would lose the weight tomorrow. Fat chance.
I guess being a bandit means that I am no longer in denial - and that's a step forward I suppose. I am still very hopeful that I will lose all the weight that I want to and eventually reach my target weight. I am gradually becoming accustomed to the idea that I won't necessarily like the way my body looks when I get there but I will at least have no excuse for not getting fit and staying healthy any more. I am hopeful, at last, that I no longer have to live in that fantasy-land, that my age-old fantasy might actually become reality after all. I have lost 5.5 stones (78 pounds) but stilll have about 4 stones (56 pounds) to go. My target is still such a long way off but I am no longer going to live for tomorrow - I'm living for today.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
A wardrobe overhaul
I spent a little time today sorting out my wardrobe. I now have two large piles of clothes, one for chucking in the bin, and the other for presenting to a charity shop. Honestly, some of the clothes I will be giving away have never been worn and still bear the original labels! So why did I buy them in the first place? Well, mainly out of desperation. When you are a size 24, going on 26, there isn't a great deal of choice in the shops. It takes a mountainous effort just to find something that fits, so I haven't had the luxury for about ten years of being able to buy clothes that I actually liked. The result is, that I would buy stuff - because it fit - then get it home and decide that I simply wouldn't, or couldn't, be seen dead in it, even if this meant continuing to wear my old, worn out clothes.
I also found quite a few items of clothing that I had never worn because they were too small..... I used to have a habit of buying things that nearly fit - in the hope that when I lost weight I would be able to wear them. In reality, I never did lose the weight - and they never got worn. Of course I have lost a lot of weight recently but so rapidly that I passed the point of being able to wear these clothes before I realised they were there!
I must confess that I baulked a little at getting rid of so many 'large' clothes. I haven't kept anything, except one pair of my largest trousers - so that when I'm thin I can have a laugh about how big I used to be.... In the back of my mind all the time though, I was thinking, what if I gain weight and need these clothes again? What if the band doesn't work and I go back to being a size 26? But you know what? I am done with that life - that's the old me and I don't want her back, ever. Period. Goodbye and good riddance.
I also found quite a few items of clothing that I had never worn because they were too small..... I used to have a habit of buying things that nearly fit - in the hope that when I lost weight I would be able to wear them. In reality, I never did lose the weight - and they never got worn. Of course I have lost a lot of weight recently but so rapidly that I passed the point of being able to wear these clothes before I realised they were there!
I must confess that I baulked a little at getting rid of so many 'large' clothes. I haven't kept anything, except one pair of my largest trousers - so that when I'm thin I can have a laugh about how big I used to be.... In the back of my mind all the time though, I was thinking, what if I gain weight and need these clothes again? What if the band doesn't work and I go back to being a size 26? But you know what? I am done with that life - that's the old me and I don't want her back, ever. Period. Goodbye and good riddance.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Jane knows....
I told you I would let you know what happened with Jane - well, she now knows. Early afternoon today we went for a coffee to the cafe-bar across the road from where we work and sat in a quiet corner for a general chit-chat. In fact we both got cold drinks because it was a warm day. By the time I had finished my first orange juice with lemonade I still hadn't got the conversation going in the right direction. I wasn't about to give up on this though so I suggested seconds. As our drinks arrived I mulled over the volume of the glass and Jane asked why? "Well, I need to know how much of this I am drinking so I can count my calories", I responded. What a stroke of genius I though to myself, as I realised I had inadvertently got the conversation around to talking about diet, and weight, and.....!!
Well, as expected, Jane did ask about my 'diet'. I said that it wasn't actually a 'diet' as such, but that I was getting some help..... "You haven't got a gastric band, have you?" she blurted out, and "did you hear about that lady who died last week during surgery for a gastric band?". Well no, I hadn't heard, but I explained that most people who die during this sort of surgery are probably people who have other complicating medical conditions such as heart disease, diabetes etc - and simply don't survive the anaesthetic. Anyway, after swearing her to secrecy, I confirmed that her intuition had been correct, and that yes, I had a gastric band.
She didn't seem that interested in the details, gory and otherwise, though I was anxious to explain that I had done most of the work up till now, and that only recently has the wretched thing offered me any assistance! However, she was generous in her praise, saying "well done you" repeatedly. A few more things were said about clothes and dress sizes and then we moved off the topic onto other work-related things. [As an aside, why do we call them dress sizes - I haven't worn a dress since I was about ten!].
So that, was that. We finished our drinks and headed back to work. It remains to be seen whether Jane (a) tells anyone else, (b) nags me about what I am or am not eating (I don't think she will actually), (c) ever mentions it again..........
Well, as expected, Jane did ask about my 'diet'. I said that it wasn't actually a 'diet' as such, but that I was getting some help..... "You haven't got a gastric band, have you?" she blurted out, and "did you hear about that lady who died last week during surgery for a gastric band?". Well no, I hadn't heard, but I explained that most people who die during this sort of surgery are probably people who have other complicating medical conditions such as heart disease, diabetes etc - and simply don't survive the anaesthetic. Anyway, after swearing her to secrecy, I confirmed that her intuition had been correct, and that yes, I had a gastric band.
She didn't seem that interested in the details, gory and otherwise, though I was anxious to explain that I had done most of the work up till now, and that only recently has the wretched thing offered me any assistance! However, she was generous in her praise, saying "well done you" repeatedly. A few more things were said about clothes and dress sizes and then we moved off the topic onto other work-related things. [As an aside, why do we call them dress sizes - I haven't worn a dress since I was about ten!].
So that, was that. We finished our drinks and headed back to work. It remains to be seen whether Jane (a) tells anyone else, (b) nags me about what I am or am not eating (I don't think she will actually), (c) ever mentions it again..........
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Shopping for clothes
As I promised, I went shopping yesterday, mainly to get some new knickers. But, I thought, while I'm out I may as well see what other goodies there are for me in the shops! I started off in Marks and Spencers and BHS, in the underwear sections. I was not surprised to find that as a size 20 now, I still don't get a lot of choice. There were row upon row of size 8 through to 16, then a smattering of 18s and about three 20s! Still, I managed to find some I liked and bought them. I then turned my attention to trousers. Those I have been wearing recently are all getting ridiculously large, to the point where I can easily take most of them off without undoing buttons or zips. An amazing thing happened – I picked a pair off the rack, size, 20, and tried them on – they fit!! OK, so this may not sound very amazing, but believe me, this hasn't happened for many years! Usually, I have to set aside a whole day just to buy one pair of trousers. I have to search high and low before I even find any the right size, and then try on at least a dozen pairs before I find a pair that fit. And do you know what has been the most disheartening thing about buying trousers in the past? I almost always end up buying a pair that actually, I don't like, but I have no choice – I just have to buy what fits no matter what the style or colour or price tag. In the last couple of years I have had to resort to buying men's trousers which is the most dispiriting thing ever. Yesterday was different, the pair I picked off the rack was a pair that I liked the look of – and they did actually fit!
I bought a second pair of trousers – jeans - after trying a few more pairs of trousers. I discovered that I am definitely a size 20 at the moment – which is a drop of two sizes – I had previously been a large 24. The amazing thing about this buy was that I got them from Dorothy Perkins. I'm not really sure why I even went in there – I didn't really expect to actually be able to find anything big enough to fit me. In reality, they had quite a good selection of size 20 clothes. So there you go, another first, a Dorothy Perkins buy!
After the trousers, I turned my attention to T-shirts. I wear them a lot for work. Currently I have three or four favourite T-shirts that I wear all the time. The problem is, they are all starting to hang on me and look a little like mini-dresses! I looked around the shops - in the women's section, of course, - but found nothing that I liked. I have to confess at this point that I am, and always have been, something of a tomboy – so frilly, lacy, 'pretty' things don't attract me or suit me. I found what I wanted in the men's section at BHS and bought two T-shirts that fit me just right!
So all in all, I ended up with five pairs of knickers, two pairs of trousers and two T-shirts – a successful shopping spree by all accounts! I also came back suitably buoyed knowing that I have dropped two 'dress' sizes in women's clothes and moved from large to medium in men's!
I bought a second pair of trousers – jeans - after trying a few more pairs of trousers. I discovered that I am definitely a size 20 at the moment – which is a drop of two sizes – I had previously been a large 24. The amazing thing about this buy was that I got them from Dorothy Perkins. I'm not really sure why I even went in there – I didn't really expect to actually be able to find anything big enough to fit me. In reality, they had quite a good selection of size 20 clothes. So there you go, another first, a Dorothy Perkins buy!
After the trousers, I turned my attention to T-shirts. I wear them a lot for work. Currently I have three or four favourite T-shirts that I wear all the time. The problem is, they are all starting to hang on me and look a little like mini-dresses! I looked around the shops - in the women's section, of course, - but found nothing that I liked. I have to confess at this point that I am, and always have been, something of a tomboy – so frilly, lacy, 'pretty' things don't attract me or suit me. I found what I wanted in the men's section at BHS and bought two T-shirts that fit me just right!
So all in all, I ended up with five pairs of knickers, two pairs of trousers and two T-shirts – a successful shopping spree by all accounts! I also came back suitably buoyed knowing that I have dropped two 'dress' sizes in women's clothes and moved from large to medium in men's!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Evans above
I'm off to the shops tomorrow morning to buy some new underwear - knickers, in particular (see earlier post on Underwear). Currently putting on my knickers in the morning brings recollections of hoisting up the sails on a sea-going dinghy! Although they fashionably reach high above the top of my trousers, they're a bit old and faded so they don't even look nice.
While I'm out I might even see what other goodies are available in the shops for me - I am actually wearing a size 20 pair of trousers for the first time in many years. Previously I have just about managed to squeeze into a 24. I've always been slightly smaller in size on the top (about 22 - now possibly 18-20). This means that some of the 'normal' shops (e.g. Marks and Spencer, BHS) actually become accessible to me now for the first time. For years I've had to suffer the indignity of shopping in Evans. For anyone unfamiliar with its gaudy, crude patternwear, Evans is where fat people go to buy clothes in England.
What is it about clothes designers that makes them imagine that people who are overweight somewhere along the way mislay the brain cells that enable sophistication, subtlety and refinement? They imagine overweight people to have developed a particular taste in the most horrific colour and pattern combinations known to Man. Patterns that would be more at home on the feathers of a peacock or the greater spotted pattern-snake?!
Anyhow, I guess you might detect that I am not a great fan of Evans. That said, in my desperate and unsuccessful searching, Evans has become the last resort of my clothes shopping over these past few years.
BUT NOT ANYMORE!
No more will I enter the doors to this primary colour and polyester paradise! From now on I will seek my fortune elsewhere!!
While I'm out I might even see what other goodies are available in the shops for me - I am actually wearing a size 20 pair of trousers for the first time in many years. Previously I have just about managed to squeeze into a 24. I've always been slightly smaller in size on the top (about 22 - now possibly 18-20). This means that some of the 'normal' shops (e.g. Marks and Spencer, BHS) actually become accessible to me now for the first time. For years I've had to suffer the indignity of shopping in Evans. For anyone unfamiliar with its gaudy, crude patternwear, Evans is where fat people go to buy clothes in England.
What is it about clothes designers that makes them imagine that people who are overweight somewhere along the way mislay the brain cells that enable sophistication, subtlety and refinement? They imagine overweight people to have developed a particular taste in the most horrific colour and pattern combinations known to Man. Patterns that would be more at home on the feathers of a peacock or the greater spotted pattern-snake?!
Anyhow, I guess you might detect that I am not a great fan of Evans. That said, in my desperate and unsuccessful searching, Evans has become the last resort of my clothes shopping over these past few years.
BUT NOT ANYMORE!
No more will I enter the doors to this primary colour and polyester paradise! From now on I will seek my fortune elsewhere!!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A naff day
It seems every time I get a fill I get the blues..... I ate OK until I got home from work. But then, feeling despondent because there is no sign of restriction after my second fill, I ate a piece of fresh baguette with margarine - to test the band. It went down a treat, no problem at all. This kind of made me feel more despondent so I then pigged some peanuts (again, no problem) and then some M+Ms with peanut centres - which I don't even like but they've got chocolate round them so who cares! Now I feel rather stuffed because I've eaten loads compared to what I normally do, and so I feel even more naff! Ah well, no-one said this was going to be easy.
Tomorrow morning first thing, I'm going to phone my provider and book another fill appointment straight away. I have already decided that if I have to travel to Birmingham to get a fill a week or two earlier, then I will. I'm getting impatient! Apart from anything else, so far, all I have to show for my £8k is a guide book on healthy eating! Yes, I know I've lost loads of weight and my clothes are too big, my health has improved and all that, but the band, which is what I paid all that money for, still isn't doing its job!
End of rant.
Tomorrow morning first thing, I'm going to phone my provider and book another fill appointment straight away. I have already decided that if I have to travel to Birmingham to get a fill a week or two earlier, then I will. I'm getting impatient! Apart from anything else, so far, all I have to show for my £8k is a guide book on healthy eating! Yes, I know I've lost loads of weight and my clothes are too big, my health has improved and all that, but the band, which is what I paid all that money for, still isn't doing its job!
End of rant.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Underwear!
I thought I'd air my experiences of underwear in public!
Knickers! They're getting too big. On the plus side though, I'm obviously getting more fashionable because they are now protruding above the line of my trousers!!! I think my knickers were the largest I could buy from M+S - size 22-24. Bridget Jones eat yer' heart out! However, I kept some of my old knickers which are size 20 and these now fit really nicely. Problem is, I only have a couple of pairs of these so I'll have to go hunting for some more soon. I heard a lady, a fellow bandit, saying the other day that her pre-weight loss knickers are the size of those 'joke' knickers that you can buy for people at Christmas (you know the ones, with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or Father Christmas painted on in a strategic place!).
Bras! I thought I'd have to give these ones up because they were starting to hand off me. Then I remembered that you can adjust both the clips at the back as well as the straps! I know that sounds obvious, but I have NEVER had to reduce the size of a bra before so had forgotten that you could. Every bra I have ever owned has always been set to maximum chest circumference and strap length by default! The only thing is, it is clear that the cups are also getting a little on the large size - something that hasn't gone unnoticed by my husband - he said he's going to "ask for his money back"!
Socks! OK, not the most glamorous of underwear items but worth a mention. All I really wanted to say was that a lady at the support group last weekend reported that since losing loads of weight, her shoe size has dropped from a size 5 to a size 3! Imagine that, losing weight can reduce your foot size - ha ha! The only thing is, this could work out quite expensive - it's bad enough having to buy new clothes, without adding new shoes to the list as well! I cannot honestly say I have noticed any change in my feet as a result of losing weight - but watch this space!
Knickers! They're getting too big. On the plus side though, I'm obviously getting more fashionable because they are now protruding above the line of my trousers!!! I think my knickers were the largest I could buy from M+S - size 22-24. Bridget Jones eat yer' heart out! However, I kept some of my old knickers which are size 20 and these now fit really nicely. Problem is, I only have a couple of pairs of these so I'll have to go hunting for some more soon. I heard a lady, a fellow bandit, saying the other day that her pre-weight loss knickers are the size of those 'joke' knickers that you can buy for people at Christmas (you know the ones, with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or Father Christmas painted on in a strategic place!).
Bras! I thought I'd have to give these ones up because they were starting to hand off me. Then I remembered that you can adjust both the clips at the back as well as the straps! I know that sounds obvious, but I have NEVER had to reduce the size of a bra before so had forgotten that you could. Every bra I have ever owned has always been set to maximum chest circumference and strap length by default! The only thing is, it is clear that the cups are also getting a little on the large size - something that hasn't gone unnoticed by my husband - he said he's going to "ask for his money back"!
Socks! OK, not the most glamorous of underwear items but worth a mention. All I really wanted to say was that a lady at the support group last weekend reported that since losing loads of weight, her shoe size has dropped from a size 5 to a size 3! Imagine that, losing weight can reduce your foot size - ha ha! The only thing is, this could work out quite expensive - it's bad enough having to buy new clothes, without adding new shoes to the list as well! I cannot honestly say I have noticed any change in my feet as a result of losing weight - but watch this space!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Obesity has led to low self-confidence
I watched a bit of Supersize versus Superskinny that was on TV last night. The main thing that struck me was how much the overweight man lacked self-confidence. He weighed about 28 stone and seemed to be a really nice man. However, he said he hadn't had a girlfriend and this contributed to a general lack of confidence in himself.
The programme caused me to reflect a little on how my own self-confidence has suffered over the years due to my obesity. I've found that it has gradually declined more and more to the point where last year I basically went out of my way to avoid interacting with people at all. For many years I have worn baggy clothes to 'hide' my figure. I also avoid social events, generally, and keep myself to myself - outside of work hours.
The programme caused me to reflect a little on how my own self-confidence has suffered over the years due to my obesity. I've found that it has gradually declined more and more to the point where last year I basically went out of my way to avoid interacting with people at all. For many years I have worn baggy clothes to 'hide' my figure. I also avoid social events, generally, and keep myself to myself - outside of work hours.
Having said that, I expect most people who know me would be surprised to hear me express feelings of low self-esteem and lack of self confidence. At work, among acquaintances and when meeting new people (and even family), I think I give off an air of confidence. This is an outward expression only - inside I am usually itching to get away from people and hide. As part of my job I sometimes have to go to conferences to give presentations and 'network'. I absolutely hate doing this - hate it with a vengeance! I find it particularly difficult when I'm put in a position of feeling exposed (e.g. if several people are looking at me or listening).
Anyway, I'd like to finish this post on a positive note. I have definitely noticed something of a spring in my step in the past few weeks. I feel quite positive about myself and this feeling is notably enhanced when I find another item of clothing in my wardrobe that now fits me! I think the main differences are because (i) being able to wear slightly more 'normal' clothes gives me a boot, and (ii) I am physically much fitter than I was - I can now walk up the eight flights of stairs to my office without gasping for air and I'm walking about much faster than before.
So, here's to increasing confidence. I hope you all share in similar successes. The link above goes to a YouTube video of a lady speaking about how her own self-esteem has increased since undergoing weight loss surgery.
Anyway, I'd like to finish this post on a positive note. I have definitely noticed something of a spring in my step in the past few weeks. I feel quite positive about myself and this feeling is notably enhanced when I find another item of clothing in my wardrobe that now fits me! I think the main differences are because (i) being able to wear slightly more 'normal' clothes gives me a boot, and (ii) I am physically much fitter than I was - I can now walk up the eight flights of stairs to my office without gasping for air and I'm walking about much faster than before.
So, here's to increasing confidence. I hope you all share in similar successes. The link above goes to a YouTube video of a lady speaking about how her own self-esteem has increased since undergoing weight loss surgery.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Back from skiing, back to 'diet'....
Hi blog-readers. I'm back, and eager to catch up with news of recent exploits and experiences. I hope all is well with you, wherever you are and whatever you weigh!
We got back from our skiing holiday yesterday. We had a great time under the circumstances...... the weather was pretty awful (although the snow was fantastic), but worse than that, my darling husband has had shingles all week and has been quite poorly! Despite that, we still managed to ski, putting in at least five solid hours of skiing each day. This meant lots of calorie burning which was good news for my body (though hard work!).
The first bit of good news was that after many years of sitting in my wardrobe waiting for a new slimmer me, my salopettes finally saw the light of day! They felt a little tight when I first put them on, but I managed to get the press-studs and zip done up, so that was that. I expected them to make bending etc quite hard work, but actually they were really comfortable. If my weight loss goes as I hope it to, I am wondering whether they will still fit me next year.... in many ways I hope not!
We stayed in a small hotel on a half board arrangement. Breakfast was a cold-buffet style, with bread, jams, thinly sliced cheese, yoghurt and cereals on offer. Most days I ate one or one-and-a-half small bread rolls with butter (no margarine available) and cheese or marmalade. I also tried to eat a yoghurt most days because it was my only real source of calcium (I only drink soya milk and drink black tea and coffee). I estimate that a typical breakfast was about 500 calories (including drinks). The only notable thing to say about my breakfasts is that after consuming a relatively small amount of food (compared to what my 'old' self would have eaten) I felt really full. On the other hand, I was managing a full bowl of pasta most lunchtimes and a three-course meal in the evening....?! It took me several days to realise what was happening here. I have read about many bandits (the majority, I think) who say that their band is notably tighter in the morning – and I am now sure that's what was happening to me. This proves that even though I have relatively little restriction after just one fill, there is at least some.
We ate our lunches in mountain restaurants and bars, and most days had a bowl of pasta with some sort of sauce on. It is difficult to determine the calorie content of these lunches since some of the sauces were laden with oil, while others were just thin tomato-based sauces. However, I reckon that somewhere between 450 and 700 is about right. I make no bones about the fact that I was eating significantly more than before our ski holiday, but I was burning so many calories skiing that I felt that it was necessary.
In the evenings I ate a three course meal each night. In Italy, 'meals' are somewhat different, conceptually, than those in the UK. In Britain, a typical main course will have elements of carbohydrate (eg potato, pasta, rice etc), vegetables, and protein (eg meat, fish) on the same plate. In Italy, these appear as different courses! The first course is usually a thick soup, pasta or risotto (the carbohydrate part). The main course is mainly protein with some token vegetables (eg a few lettuce leaves or some carrots). The dessert is usually quite small – a piece of cake, some ice cream and fruit, a crème caramel. So, what I am getting at, is that the food contained in a three-course Italian meal would probably constitute just two courses of a typical British meal (perhaps that's why obesity is a growing problem in the UK!). This was making me quite full such that I wouldn't have been able to eat any more if it had been offered – I left a little food on my plate on several occasions which is a new experience for me. Again it's difficult to get an accurate calorie count for my evening meal but I reckon it was about 800-1200 per day.
Thus, my total daily calorie intake was about 2,000-2,500 per day. This is the calorie intake I need at my present weight to maintain that weight, given a moderately sedentary lifestyle. Given the amount of calories I have burned in the last week, I should have lost a little weight. In practice, I haven't – I weigh the same now as I did before I went! However, now I am back on my 1000 calories a day diet, I hope to recover some ground quite soon.
So, overall, we had a good time. I enjoyed eating normal-ish food again and learned some new things about my band: (a) there is some restriction, though clearly not enough to stop me eating small three-course meals; (b) it is tighter in the morning; (c) I probably wouldn't have known I had any restriction if I had not tried to eat larger meals than I was!
I found myself unexpectedly in tears last night because I was fearful of going back to 1000 calories a day. I've had my eating under such tight control since 9th November and it felt strangely frightening to be 'let loose' on proper food again. I'm only two-thirds of the way through today and have done quite well so far (c.250 calories each for breakfast and lunch) – fingers crossed I will be back on course now and back to losing weight.......
We got back from our skiing holiday yesterday. We had a great time under the circumstances...... the weather was pretty awful (although the snow was fantastic), but worse than that, my darling husband has had shingles all week and has been quite poorly! Despite that, we still managed to ski, putting in at least five solid hours of skiing each day. This meant lots of calorie burning which was good news for my body (though hard work!).
The first bit of good news was that after many years of sitting in my wardrobe waiting for a new slimmer me, my salopettes finally saw the light of day! They felt a little tight when I first put them on, but I managed to get the press-studs and zip done up, so that was that. I expected them to make bending etc quite hard work, but actually they were really comfortable. If my weight loss goes as I hope it to, I am wondering whether they will still fit me next year.... in many ways I hope not!
We stayed in a small hotel on a half board arrangement. Breakfast was a cold-buffet style, with bread, jams, thinly sliced cheese, yoghurt and cereals on offer. Most days I ate one or one-and-a-half small bread rolls with butter (no margarine available) and cheese or marmalade. I also tried to eat a yoghurt most days because it was my only real source of calcium (I only drink soya milk and drink black tea and coffee). I estimate that a typical breakfast was about 500 calories (including drinks). The only notable thing to say about my breakfasts is that after consuming a relatively small amount of food (compared to what my 'old' self would have eaten) I felt really full. On the other hand, I was managing a full bowl of pasta most lunchtimes and a three-course meal in the evening....?! It took me several days to realise what was happening here. I have read about many bandits (the majority, I think) who say that their band is notably tighter in the morning – and I am now sure that's what was happening to me. This proves that even though I have relatively little restriction after just one fill, there is at least some.
We ate our lunches in mountain restaurants and bars, and most days had a bowl of pasta with some sort of sauce on. It is difficult to determine the calorie content of these lunches since some of the sauces were laden with oil, while others were just thin tomato-based sauces. However, I reckon that somewhere between 450 and 700 is about right. I make no bones about the fact that I was eating significantly more than before our ski holiday, but I was burning so many calories skiing that I felt that it was necessary.
In the evenings I ate a three course meal each night. In Italy, 'meals' are somewhat different, conceptually, than those in the UK. In Britain, a typical main course will have elements of carbohydrate (eg potato, pasta, rice etc), vegetables, and protein (eg meat, fish) on the same plate. In Italy, these appear as different courses! The first course is usually a thick soup, pasta or risotto (the carbohydrate part). The main course is mainly protein with some token vegetables (eg a few lettuce leaves or some carrots). The dessert is usually quite small – a piece of cake, some ice cream and fruit, a crème caramel. So, what I am getting at, is that the food contained in a three-course Italian meal would probably constitute just two courses of a typical British meal (perhaps that's why obesity is a growing problem in the UK!). This was making me quite full such that I wouldn't have been able to eat any more if it had been offered – I left a little food on my plate on several occasions which is a new experience for me. Again it's difficult to get an accurate calorie count for my evening meal but I reckon it was about 800-1200 per day.
Thus, my total daily calorie intake was about 2,000-2,500 per day. This is the calorie intake I need at my present weight to maintain that weight, given a moderately sedentary lifestyle. Given the amount of calories I have burned in the last week, I should have lost a little weight. In practice, I haven't – I weigh the same now as I did before I went! However, now I am back on my 1000 calories a day diet, I hope to recover some ground quite soon.
So, overall, we had a good time. I enjoyed eating normal-ish food again and learned some new things about my band: (a) there is some restriction, though clearly not enough to stop me eating small three-course meals; (b) it is tighter in the morning; (c) I probably wouldn't have known I had any restriction if I had not tried to eat larger meals than I was!
I found myself unexpectedly in tears last night because I was fearful of going back to 1000 calories a day. I've had my eating under such tight control since 9th November and it felt strangely frightening to be 'let loose' on proper food again. I'm only two-thirds of the way through today and have done quite well so far (c.250 calories each for breakfast and lunch) – fingers crossed I will be back on course now and back to losing weight.......
Sunday, November 23, 2008
My ‘Food Story’ - Part 5: So why get banded?
All my overweight life, I always believed, somewhere in the back of my mind, that one day, just one day, I would lose all this excess weight and be slim and fit. I’d be able to walk into any high street shop and buy ‘normal’ clothes. I’d not have any difficulties buying specialist clothing such as waterproofs, salopettes (!), motorcycle leathers and walking gear. I’d be fit, able to walk up hills as fast as my husband, 25 years my senior. And I’d feel good, look good, be accepted, not be whispered about and laughed at. I didn’t have a plan as to how or when this was going to happen. I guess I just believed that one day I would summon up the willpower to be able to do it all by myself.
When I reached my fortieth birthday, I realised that I was firmly in the middle-aged phase of life. I also realised that my weight was now not just a temporary ‘blip’ but a permanent state that was going to rapidly shorten my lifespan, and almost certainly bring with it a whole host of medical problems. Not least of those medical problems were those of a psychological nature - a complete lack of self-esteem and self-confidence and recurring cycles of depression. During these last four years, I slowly but surely came to accept that under my own steam, relying on sheer willpower alone, I was never going to be that slim person I’d so dreamed of. I recalled seeing a lady on TV a few years before speaking of how she’d had gastric surgery. I couldn’t remember whether she’d had a band or a bypass – and at the time I didn’t know the difference, but I do remember thinking how desperate she must have been to put herself through that. I’d also heard various snippets of information about people having their stomach ‘stapled’ and a couple of months ago decided, very privately, to find some information about it on the Internet.
I found out fairly quickly about the different types of gastric surgery available and that the band was almost certainly the best and most appropriate option for me. I also discovered that while there are lots of cosmetic surgery companies out there offering gastric banding, Healthier Weight has as one its guiding beliefs, that gastric band surgery is emphatically not cosmetic surgery. This certainly fits with my own views on the matter. I gathered all the information I needed, including costs, and broached the subject with my husband. He says now that he was a bit shocked at first (so was I!), but he knows that I don’t go into anything light-heartedly. I’m an ‘all or nothing’ sort of person and he trusted that I’d looked into all the possibilities, all the probable outcomes and risks and allowed me to make my own decision – with no pressure, only support.
I think that once I’d got used to the idea for a few days, my brain just came to accept that that was what I was going to do. I did get a small attack of nerves just a few days before the pre-op diet began, and questioned whether this was the right thing to do –but truthfully, my main concern was whether or not I’d ever be able to do ‘normal’ things again – like go out for a meal with my family. I thought a lot about that and decided that even if I couldn’t, the alternative just wasn’t worth thinking about. I’ve since decided that I could do that anyway (soup for starter, starter for main course, ice cream for dessert!), although not too frequently.
So, the decision was made. And here I am, 8 days post-op, feeling very positive and bright about the future. I know it’s not going to be a ‘picnic’ (not the best metaphor!) and there will be tough times ahead. But all I have to do during those times is think of what I was like, what I would have been like, and where my future was heading.
When I reached my fortieth birthday, I realised that I was firmly in the middle-aged phase of life. I also realised that my weight was now not just a temporary ‘blip’ but a permanent state that was going to rapidly shorten my lifespan, and almost certainly bring with it a whole host of medical problems. Not least of those medical problems were those of a psychological nature - a complete lack of self-esteem and self-confidence and recurring cycles of depression. During these last four years, I slowly but surely came to accept that under my own steam, relying on sheer willpower alone, I was never going to be that slim person I’d so dreamed of. I recalled seeing a lady on TV a few years before speaking of how she’d had gastric surgery. I couldn’t remember whether she’d had a band or a bypass – and at the time I didn’t know the difference, but I do remember thinking how desperate she must have been to put herself through that. I’d also heard various snippets of information about people having their stomach ‘stapled’ and a couple of months ago decided, very privately, to find some information about it on the Internet.
I found out fairly quickly about the different types of gastric surgery available and that the band was almost certainly the best and most appropriate option for me. I also discovered that while there are lots of cosmetic surgery companies out there offering gastric banding, Healthier Weight has as one its guiding beliefs, that gastric band surgery is emphatically not cosmetic surgery. This certainly fits with my own views on the matter. I gathered all the information I needed, including costs, and broached the subject with my husband. He says now that he was a bit shocked at first (so was I!), but he knows that I don’t go into anything light-heartedly. I’m an ‘all or nothing’ sort of person and he trusted that I’d looked into all the possibilities, all the probable outcomes and risks and allowed me to make my own decision – with no pressure, only support.
I think that once I’d got used to the idea for a few days, my brain just came to accept that that was what I was going to do. I did get a small attack of nerves just a few days before the pre-op diet began, and questioned whether this was the right thing to do –but truthfully, my main concern was whether or not I’d ever be able to do ‘normal’ things again – like go out for a meal with my family. I thought a lot about that and decided that even if I couldn’t, the alternative just wasn’t worth thinking about. I’ve since decided that I could do that anyway (soup for starter, starter for main course, ice cream for dessert!), although not too frequently.
So, the decision was made. And here I am, 8 days post-op, feeling very positive and bright about the future. I know it’s not going to be a ‘picnic’ (not the best metaphor!) and there will be tough times ahead. But all I have to do during those times is think of what I was like, what I would have been like, and where my future was heading.
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