A few light snacks......

Here's what I went out and bought this afternoon to meet my 'needs' - a small buttons Easter egg (yes, there are still a few left in the shops), a box of Weight Watchers (ironic, I know) carrot cake slices, a packet of cashew nuts, a chocolate muffin mousse, two kitkats (I ate one of them on the way home), two Freddo bars, a plain chocolate bar (apparently they're less addictive...?), some maltesers, a Dairy Milk bar, three strawberry trifles and a bag of mini chocolate eggs. I expect much of this will have been consumed by this time tomorrow - on top of my normal 'meals'. Of course, my meals are generally quite 'healthy' and I experience a good level of restriction when I eat them. But this lot - no chance - no restriction whatever.

I looked up 'how do I stop emotional eating' on the web today and came across an organisation called Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous - they're U.S-based and styled on A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous). Unbelievably, there's a group operating in Liverpool so once I am back from my travels (I am away in Washington D.C. from Thursday for a week), I may give them a call and see if they can help.

I used to call my bingeing 'comfort eating' but I've given it a lot of thought and I know I don't just do it for 'comfort' - it's also when I'm lonely, stressed, fearful, bored, anxious, lacking courage, self esteem or confidence, and just about any other negative emotion you can think of. It's clearly a serious problem for me and one that threatens to jeopardise my band success so far. I have to get it sorted.

As I say, I'm off overseas for a week in a few days and my eating habits will be at the mercy of travel arrangements, hotels, conference organisers and the like - so I'll make do with what I get and when I get it. But once I return I have to tackle this problem head-on or I'll be back where I started. I'm thinking I may make an appointment with the hynotherapist I cancelled a few weeks ago - anyone got any experience of hynotherapy? Does it work? Can I be hypnotised to hate chocolate for the rest of my life? Will it help me gain* control of what food goes into my mouth?

*I was going to write 're-gain' - but I'm not sure I ever had any control to start with! I wonder why..... what happened in my childhood that made me this way? If I get control of eating, will I start to crave something else - will I become an alcoholic or smoker instead? .......or perhaps a sex-maniac - now that would be something!!!!!!

Back to bandland

Hello everybody - it's been a while! As I sit here wondering what to type, I look back on the past few months and ask myself what has happened? Why have I deserted my blog? It's not just the blog, I have also rarely visited the UKGastricBand forum in the last couple of months - which previously I had visited several times a day. I also kept a food diary - yes, that book in the kitchen that hasn't been touched for a couple of months now. I religiously weighed myself every morning - and now it's once or twice a week - if I dare. If I look through my cupboards in the kitchen, I notice some old favourites have crept back in - bottles of Diet Coke, and the dreaded chocolate. And yes, I know it's Easter, and we can all be forgiven a little luxuriating in the brown stuff at this time of year - but I've hardly stopped eating the stuff for weeks now.

So I ask again - what's going on? I think it's a combination of things - there's no straightforward answer. Here's a few stabs at what is going wrong:

1. The 'light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel' blues. Looking at the UKGB forum, it's clear that this doesn't only apply to me. As we get closer to our goal weight - that elusive target that for the first time actually appears reachable - it somehow remains just out of our grasp. I've lost nearly eight stone and have a relatively paltry one-and-a-half left to go - yet it's the hardest few pounds of the lot. I've made all of the major changes to portion sizes, exercise, bad habits (though some have crept back in) - so every ounce now needs a monumental effort to lose. The result is, frustration begins to set in - and in my case - that leads to stress - which is relieved through eating. Back to the vicious circle.

2. Workaholicism (is that a new word I've invented?!). I know I can't blame everything on work - but this really has been the hardest extended period at work I've ever experienced. Since late August 2009 until the beginning of March this year - it has just been bedlam. I've literally done nothing but work, work, and work. Exercise has all but disappeared from my life, as has any social life, family life and relaxation. Don't get me wrong - I still manage to watch the goggle box from time to time - but it's not so much relaxation as complete collapse! On the bright side, work has definitely got better in the last three or four weeks and should remain so until the real pressure begins all over again in September (!). But I'm making the most of it and have already begun getting back on the exercise treadmill (not literally).

3. Chocaholicism (another new word). Mmm, yes, not sure how to lick this one (another awful pun!). I am clearly addicted to chocolate. Apparently it's not possible to be physiologically addicted to chocolate in the way that you can be addicted to drugs, caffeine, nicotine etc. But it IS possible to be emotionally addicted to chocolate - and I am. I actually booked an appointment with a hypnotherapist some weeks back, but then bottled out at the last minute and cancelled it! Having re-thought this - I'm going to have another go in the next few weeks definitely - what's the worst it can do? And it might actually help.

4. No longer a newbie. Sometimes I look on the UKGB forum and see the same old questions being posed by newbies - the questions I posed myself when I first started out on this journey. I answer questions occasionally but I'm not really sure what I can offer anymore. It's the same with this blog. I've probably said all of the really important things and I sometimes think can I really add anything useful anymore? However, one thing that strikes me, is that there is relatively little written on the web by long term bandits. I'd love to know what it's like to be bandit three or five or ten years on. It's also clear to me that the struggles I'm going through now are not the same as those I experienced earlier in my journey. That probably makes it worthwhile continuing to write. However, I'm aware that new bandits, or people thinking about getting banded, don't necessarily want to read about longer term bandits who are struggling and facing all sorts of problems. I'd hate to put anyone off - because whatever struggles I am facing now - I would not change one step of my band journey. If I time-travelled back to the start of my journey, knowing what I know now - I couldn't change a thing. It's been the best thing I ever did in my life.

So, there are several reasons why I will begin to write again - because I now have more time back to myself, because I still think it may help longer term bandits (and help newbies to better informed about the ups and downs of banding), and because I need to give myself some therapy. What's that last point I hear you ask? Well, I know that many of you have enjoyed reading my blog because you've told me so - and that's great. But it's also therapy for me. It's when I'm writing, or thinking about what to write, that I often make important breakthroughs in my own thinking, planning and behaviour analysis. Even as I write this, it has been brought home to me that I have drifted away from some of the cornerstones of my weight loss success so far - my food diary, daily blogging, daily trips to UKGB forum, and generally immersing myself in day-to-day thoughts, facts, ideas about weight loss, exercise, environmental control, habits, portion sizes, calorie counting and the rest. It's as though I've forgotten all of this - it has been put to one side for more important things to take its place. But what is more important than feeling good about oneself, being healthy and fit, looking good, having a respectable level of self esteem, and being able to wear great clothes?!

So, there are lots of reasons why I've been silent for a while but probably as many reasons why I need to get back on the case and start to get serious about my band, my eating, my exercise, and above all - sharing again. Thank you for staying with me.

Oh, and I'm seriously thinking about 'coming out' - watch this space.

Fat Man Slim

This evening I watched a documentary on Sky Three called Fat Man Slim. It was about an obese, 40 year old successful businessman who decided to change his life. He weighed 26.5 stone and vowed to lose 6 stone in 12 months. He also gave up work for a year so that he and his wife could focus on weight loss, health and fitness. In the event, he lost that amount in the first six months. He did it with his wife by eating non-processed goods, lots of fruit and veg, and doing lots of exercise. 

After achieving his one year target in six months he set a new target to lose another 20kg in the last six months. With two months to go he had just 5kg to go, so he changed it to 10kg because that would have added up to a total of ten stone for the year! He achieved his ten stone goal after one year. Amazing. This is a guy with bucketloads of determination. To continue losing weight at this rate he was going to the gym twice a day, five times a week, and eating three small meals a day. 

It was fascinating to see him go through the same clothes stages that I did - first they wouldn't fit, then they would, they they were too big! 

At the end of his journey his whole face appeared so much thinner and he looked younger and basically fab. Seeing a whole year condensed into an hour offered a fascinating insight into the way that the body can change, given the right treatment. The man, known as 'Squeeze' (!) said that over the year he passed through five emotional phases:
 
Shame
Guilt
Anger
Acceptance
Recovery process

He talked about the inner battle he has had with himself - not just in the past year but always - and not just about weight but with most things. He talked about how he has learnt how to manage this 'inner battle'. The layers of emotional baggage, fat, and constant over-compensation (e.g. for his weight, lack of fitness and self-worth) - they are all gone now. All that's left is him. On the one hand this is great because he's now just himself, but it's also a little scary.  

There was a fascinating meeting with his doctor at about the four month point. The doctor asked him how he was, what he thought of himself having lost so much weight? His response? "I loathe myself less". The doctor was a little taken aback and obviously had no real understanding of the self-loathing and low self-esteem issues faced by many obese people. The doctor afterwards said to the camera that it was surprising that despite all of his successes in life - work, home, marriage - he doesn't have a very high opinion of himself. I can relate to this totally. 
 
Squeeze said that it's not until you admit you have a problem and commit yourself to changing things, that you start to seriously think about how you see yourself. Maybe you're not so aware of self-loathing before, or perhaps you just bury it. He talked about how he was always seen as the fat fool, disguising inner struggles with humour and bravado: "Bravado is a wonderful tool for divorcing yourself from your situation and I used it in spades". 

And finally, some advice for weight losers who start to get over-confident: "Whenever I started feeling cocky I would stand in front of a full length mirror and jump up and down stark-b*****k naked. Believe me - that's motivation!"  

Working with my band

Here is the essence of what I replied to an anonymous comment - you may find it useful:

Stretching your pouch: If you eat very slowly, which is what we are advised to do, then food will gradually pass from the upper pouch into the lower, main stomach. However, if you eat too quickly, or eat too much in one go, there is a small danger of stretching the pouch. This is usually temporary but if serious this can lead to band slippage. However, long before you get to the point of stretching your pouch it is likely that you would experience pain (often referred to by bandits as 'iron fist') behind the breastbone - this is your body's way of warning you that you should slow down when eating!

Anti-hunger pills: The whole point of the band is that by retaining food in the upper pouch, you 'trick' your brain into thinking that you are full, and so don't feel hungry. Therefore, if you work with the band, you shouldn't feel hungry and there should be no need to use additional drugs or supplements to reduce hunger. Personally, I would never use Reducteel or anything similar - I have paid a lot of money to have gastric band surgery and am determined to work with it.

The band and liquids: The band does not restrict liquids at all and we are always encouraged to drink plenty - therefore you should never experience thirst with the band - you can drink as much as you want (however, try to drink calorie-free drinks).

Dealing with hunger: I can honestly say that I have rarely experienced real hunger in my entire life. However, the biggest difficulty that many obese people experience is not real hunger, but what we often refer to as 'head hunger'. In other words - emotional hunger. This is something that the band cannot deal with. As a result of my emotional craving for food, yes, I have eaten loads on occasions, including binge-eating of chocolate. However, most of the foods we eat when over-eating and binging are foods that slip through the band easily anyway (e.g. chocolate, cakes, biscuits, crisps, fast food etc). Therefore, these foods generally don't increase the risk of pouch stretching - but of course they increase all sorts of other health risks.

Advice for new bandits: I think the important thing for a newly-banded person is to find out as much as you can about the band and how it is supposed to work - ideally from medically-trained people. The band will only do 30% of the work in weight loss - we have to work with the band to achieve the other 70% of effort necessary. This is far from easy and requires a considerable effort and commitment on our part. I've fallen flat on my face many times in my band journey because of my own weakness and lack of self-control, but at the same time I know that my band is my friend and if I work with it, it is a friend indeed.

As with all of the things I post on this blog, this is all just my opinion, based on my own research and most importantly, my experience. We all have very different bodies, needs, personalities and histories, so my experience may not be the same as yours! Always try to get support and advice from your band provider, dietician or bariatric nurse.

Having a better day - why?

I've had quite a good couple of days. On Sunday I set aside time to do some stepping, light weights training and stretching. I felt so much better afterwards and it gave me a mental lift. Yesterday was a very long, hard day at work but I somehow managed to largely stick to healthy eating. Today has been a bit more relaxed and I've eaten quite healthily today. I ate raspberries, Greek yoghurt and chopped banana for breakfast. It was midday before I was able to eat it and it was slow going. But it left me feeling quite full. For late lunch I ate a cheese sandwich with a tin of Weight Watchers mushroom soup. I got peckish early evening (nothing new there then!) and had a small cereal bar. Then this evening I ate a piece of fresh trout fillet, stuffed pasta and mixed veg (butternut squash, courgette and spinach). I bought the trout Monday, thinking it was salmon! Still, it tasted delish and was lower in fat than the salmon!

I guess today has been better for three reasons:

1. I worked at home so (a) wasn't tempted by the chocolate vending machine at work and (b) was able to take much more control over the timing of meals.
2. I was feeling a bit more positive after a weekend that included some exercise.
3. I started the day a bit later (10am instead of 5.30am) and so ate my evening meal later. I am writing this at 10.30pm, about to go to bed and feeling nicely full!

So can I carry any of this forward to give me continued success? Well I certainly can't work at home every day (chance would be a fine thing!). I could try to make sure I don't have any loose change so I can't use the vending machine. I could also eat my breakfast later in the day (I don't usually feel hungry in the morning anyway) - or split breakfast and have some a bit later. But I honestly think the thing most likely to work for me us making time to do some exercise, walk, go to the gym, swim etc. Because whenever I do physical activity I get a psychological boost and feel so much better physically. I am building up a renewed resolve to put exercise higher up my priority list.

Keep your fingers crossed for me please!

Reward or punishment?

At the Healthier Weight support group last weekend, there was a long term bandit there who had some real gems to share with the rest of us. We had got into a discussion where several of us, me included, were sharing our experiences of resisting (or not!), chocolate and other goodies. Lots of people were saying how the distraction techniques that are often recommended don't work for us. Anyway, this lady was suggesting that many of us have, perhaps as children, been brought up to think of chocolate as a treat or reward. Therefore, when we feel a bit down, we are inclined to give ourselves a lift by turning to chocolate. She said that actually we need to change our mind set. To think back to the 'fat days', to the humiliation that we suffered as obese people, the awful practicalities of buying clothes, sitting in an airplane seat, huffing and puffing just getting up a flight of stairs etc. Then , capture all if those bad feelings and associate them with chocolate. Start to see chocolate as one of the root causes of all of that pain. Instead of thinking about it as a reward, begin to think of it as a punishment. She talked about a technique where you pinch together your thumb and finger whenever you think of those negative feelings and then do the same thing whenever you see or desire chocolate. This is similar to many of the behavioural techniques advocated by Paul McKenna.

Another tip from this very wise lady was to 'think thin'. In other words, try to imagine that you are thin when eating - and often this helps curb our excessive food cravings. I'm not sure about thinking thin, but I do find that thinking fit often works for me. When I'm doing well with my exercise regime, I feel good about myself - emotionally stronger and with better self esteem. I find, at these times, that I only crave good quality, healthy food - so it's a self-perpetuating thing.

Despite still working very long hours and being under a lot of pressure at work, I am trying very hard to find time to do some exercise. I know that if I succeed, even if a lot less often than a few months ago, it will have all sorts of positive knock-on effects. Also, in the light of the 'reward or punishment' technique described above, I'm going to read Paul McKenna's book again (I Can Make You Thin) and try put some of his techniques. I need to crack my chocaholic tendencies otherwise I will struggle with my weight for the rest of my life. That said, I'm talking about 'struggling' to lose the last 25lbs - not the kind if struggle I used to have - just day to day life for a 20-stoner - so it's not all bad! Not at all.

Why I've not gained weight

I recently responded to a post on the UKGastricBand forum to someone who was asking how to get the self control needed to overcome the desire to eat chocolate and other unhealthy things. I've copied some of my response below. Some of these things I have said on here before, but thinking about it helped me put into perspective exactly why I hadn't gained weight during some of the bad times I've experienced in recent months.

"I am a self-confessed emotional eater and complete chocaholic and yet I've lost nearly 8 stone (if I can do it - anyone can!!!). When things in life are going well, my desire to eat chocolate and other bad stuff just goes - and if anything, I crave good, nutritious, healthy foods. During these times I lose weight. However, when life is difficult, as it has been for me over the past 2-3 months (work pressures), I utterly crave chocolate. Over the past 2-3 months I have regularly (i.e. every 2-3 days) binged on chocolate. By that, I mean, I've gone out and bought 6-7 bars of chocolate and eaten my way through all of them in an evening. On top of that I've eaten cheese sandwiches (cheese comes second to chocolate in my head), muffins, iced buns and all sorts of other rubbish.

HOWEVER (this is the good bit) - during these times I have NOT GAINED any weight! This is because:

1. My metabolism has speeded up because I've lost weight so my body uses calories more effectively,
2. I do more exercise (though nothing like as much as I do when life is going well),
3. The portion sizes of my main meals is much smaller than it ever used to be - because of the band,
4. In between the bad days I have relatively good days where I have a negative calorie balance (i.e. I use more than I put in).

So, if you still find you can't keep off the chocolate (and incidentally, I never keep any in the house), it's not all doom and gloom - stick to good eating habits as much as you can and this should mean that at least you won't gain any more weight. On good days, and at good times in your life, you should be able to lose with the band - and keep it off during the bad times".

A new chocolate experiment

After a few weeks of on and off chocolate bingeing, I've decided to take a chance and try a new experiment! But first, you have to understand my usual mental attitude to chocolate - particularly when I'm feeling stressed with work or something.

The first thing is that we never keep chocolate in the house. I'm fortunate that my other half doesn't particularly like the stuff - he'll eat it occasionally if it's offered to him while we're out on a walk or something, but I don't think I've ever known him actually choose to buy any himself! At a time like now when I get stressed, I find myself craving chocolate. I guess it's totally about comfort or some other emotional need, and the urge is extremely powerful. I do my best to resist but eventually give in - and that's when the problems begin.

The thing is, when I give in, this usually involves me putting on my coat and shoes, getting into the car and driving to the late night Co-op for some 'supplies'. I can hear myself even now, giving the usual euphemism to my husband - "I'm just popping out to the shop".... On the way there, I'll repeat to myself (in my head) over and over - I'm just going to get one or two bars of chocolate - that's all I need. But by the time I get there, it's been such a mammoth effort leaving the house in the dark, getting cold and driving etc that I start to think about running out - what if I eat a couple of bars and then I need more - I'll have to come out again? So I end up buying several bars of chocolate - typically about 6 or 7. Kit Kats, Dairy Milk, Maltesers - that kind of thing. And I also buy other things that catch my eye - like those lovely trifles ('one won't hurt - it'll boost my calcium intake'), or iced buns ('I deserve it'), or a small bag of cashew nuts ('well, the protein does you good....') - and all the excuses come out. Before I know it, I'm trudging home with a bag full of goodies. And what astounds me, even now, is that somehow, I still manage to get through most of this in the same evening. I daren't keep any of it, in fact, because then I know that I will be letting myself in for another binge day tomorrow - whereas in my twisted logic, if I eat it all today, I can start afresh tomorrow!! On a couple of occasions, I've actually thrown unopened bars of chocolate and other stuff in the bin - rather than keep it in the house for tomorrow!!

So, now to my new experiment. Yesterday I bought a five-pack of individual Dairy Milk bars and put them on the shelf in the kitchen. I moved them into the bread bin today because I was fed up with staring at them every time I went to make myself a cup of tea! Anyway, this is the plan: If I know I have some chocolate in the house that is under my control, I won't feel pressured or panicked into going out and buying loads of the stuff. I plan to 'treat' myself to a small quantity every evening. The bars are slightly smaller than the normal singles - they're 205 calores for the whole bar so I could easily consume half a bar each night without that putting too much of a dent in my calorie intake. My dietician (who is skinny as a rake) says he eats chocolate every day - so it shouldn't be wrong, in principle, for me to do the same. Don't get me wrong, this is not about me eating chocolate for the sake of it - after all, I've gone for months at a time since I got my band, without any at all. It's more about trying to find a way of dealing with these - these - well, they're a kind of panic-attack really - when I get all panicky and go out and buy loads as if I'm gong to die if I don't get some or run out. I know it sounds darft - it sounds completely ill0gical as I sit here typing it - but it's what happens and I can't control it by distracting myself or any of the other techniques people often suggest. So if I can do do something to remove the source of panic - then it just might work.

So far the chocolate has been sitting in my kitchen for two days. I ate half a bar last night and I'm planning to do the same this evening. I'll let you know how it goes......

Whoa what a week!

I'm back! I haven't actually been anywhere, just working 14 hours a day for the past couple of weeks. There's no immediate end in sight, but having worked most of Saturday I'm giving myself the evening off. So, hello again. I hope you've all had a good week. Mine hasn't been brilliant. Working such long hours my carefully thought-out eating and fitness plans gave gone awry. Typically, I've eaten breakfast at my usual time but not got lunch until late in the day. One day I ate breakfast at 7.30am and then didn't eat again until 4.30pm! To be honest, I wasn't even hungry then, because I'd been too busy to think about hunger and was running on pure adrenalin.

However, things have been much worse in the evenings. It's as though all the constraints of the day just go out the window and I just go bonkers! I've been bingeing on chocolate and all sorts of sweet things about every other day. It's played havoc with my digestive system and also with my head. It's made me really down - though I'm sure I'm down partly because of the stress of this period at work. Today has been better, so far. Rather oddly, I was stuffed after one piece of toast this morning, and then again after half a small tin of beans on toast at lunch. In fact, after lunch, I experienced mild 'iron fist' (pain around the band area - behind the breastbone) for the first time! This evening I'm sitting here stuffed again - this time from salmon, potatoes and veg. Oh well, I guess I just need to make the most of it!

Some days I've got loads of exercise from running around at work. But other days I've just sat at my computer all day and got very little exercise. The upshot of my relatively poor eating and exercising this last week is that I'm a pound or two up on what I was. I'm not fretting about that too much - I know I can give myself a bit of slack because of my work situation at present.

I bought a book called 'Breaking Free From Emotional Eating' by Geneen Roth. I haven't had time to read much yet (!) but am expecting great things from it. I'll report back on this as I learn new things.

Emotional eating

My roller coaster journey continues apace! Things are still really tough at work and I'm struggling on a daily basis to stick to healthy eating. As soon as I begin to struggle emotionally, I seem entirely incapable of resisting chocolate and other psychologically uplifting foods. What's worse is that I don't just get one bar of chocolate - I get two or three or more. Today I bought seven and so far I've chomped my way through five :-(

I'm mulling over a couple of things at present. First, was I right to gave a band rather than a bypass? People say the band is less suited to emotional and binge eaters but I wasn't aware of that at the time I made the decision. That said, the long term prospects for weight loss are better for bands than bypasses according to research on long term success rates. Second, do I need another fill or do I just need to get my head right? Sometimes I get quite good restriction but it disappears when I eat the wrong foods. On the other hand, I can still eat far more than many people.

I've a seriously hard week coming up and am not at all sure how I'm going to get through it without gaining half a stone. Watch this space!

How do I get my head right?

The past couple of weeks I've been struggling somewhat. I don't seem to be able to get my head right. One day I'll be a real goody two shoes and eat healthily, get loads if exercise and go to bed feeling like a saint. The next day I'll start eating in the morning and seemingly will be unable to stop. I'll get little or no exercise, pig out on all sorts of bad stuff and go to bed feeling like a complete failure! I wouldn't mind so much if there was some sort of in between! I just go from one extreme to the other.

Things are really tough at work at the moment and I'm feeling a bit stressed, so I suppose that might be part of it. I'm also still not quite over the constipation I got last week (see 'Eggs is Eggs' post) - I'm therefore feeling a bit naff physically - and that might be part of it as well. The times when I feel best, psychologically speaking, are when I'm in full flow onthe treadmill at the gym, or swimming hard on a Tuesday night. The exercise gets the goodchemicals going in my brain and make ne feel good - so I naturally eat more healthily. I guess that's the difficulty with the band - you have to consciously decide to eat healthy food for it to work but when you're an emotional eater like me, that's easier said than done.

I said a few days ago that I was going to read my notes on emotional eating - but I've been so busy I haven't got around to that yet. It's starting to get more urgent.

Love yourself to weight loss

I watched this video recently (click on the link above) and although a little rambling (it goes on for ten minutes) it was very thought-provoking. The lady speaking is basically saying that many obese people believe that when we lose weight, when we are that fit, healthy person we crave to be, only then will we love ourselves. Our self-esteem will be higher, we will have more self-confidence and be happy in our bodies. However, she believes that it should be the other way around. She begins by asking the fundamental question - how do we begin the process of weight loss. I don't think she means, in the sense of the practicalities of eating, exercise, and so on, but in terms of the psychological and/or emotional drivers to make the decision to lose weight in the first place.

Her argument is that we need to learn to love ourselves first. We need to like our bodies, our minds and our personalities now. Then and only then, will we be in a position to be able to manage our food intake properly and in a sustainable way. The argument goes like this: If we love ourselves, then why would we put food into our mouths that we know is harmful to our bodies? If we love ourselves, are we not much more likely to want to reward our bodies with good quality, healthy, nutritious food?

I have come across this line of thinking before - in a faith-based Christian book called 'Free to be Slim'. This focusses on the idea that if God loves us and thinks the world of us, then who are we to think badly of ourselves. If instead, we align ourselves with God's thinking of us - that we are wonderful human beings, then we would want to 'bless' our bodies through the healthy food choices that we put into it.

I can see the logic in these arguments and they do make some sense. Certainly when I was a runner many years ago I lost a lot of weight. Partly this was simply because of the amount of energy I was burning in the running, but partly it was because my head, well, sort of changed - as far as food choices were concerned. I simply didn't crave fatty, sugary, high calorie foods any more. My body was lean and mean and I was full of self-confidence, and if anything, I craved salads, fresh vegetables and fruit, lean fish and so on. There was no effort on my part to stop eating bad foods - it just came naturally out of an inate desire to 'do good' for my body.

I'm not sure where this leaves me now. Like I said, I see some sense in the argument. However, I also know that since I have lost loads of weight my self esteem and confidence have blossomed. I now delight to buy clothes and have noticed my clothes are getting brighter in colour - I no longer feel the need to hide away and 'camouflage' myself.

So maybe both are true. If we love ourselves we are more likely to make good food choices than if we don't. But also, if we make the right food choices, driven by some other 'power', then we will also come to love ourselves more.

Cor! I don't do philosophy very often. It's taxing on the ol' brain innit?

Strategies for emotional eating

As you have probably gathered if you read my blog regularly, I'm a self-confessed emotional eater. I have a few strategies that help - not all of the time but some of the time. However, sometimes I think it's OK to just let go - even thin people eat [i]some[/i] chocolate and crisps!

1. Keep a packet of soft mints and have one or two when needed (about 10 calories each). I know it's not the same as eating chocolate but it puts a nice sweet taste in your mouth which often does the trick for me. Because you can chew and suck these they can be eaten while on the puree stage or after a fill.

2. Keep a bar of chocolate in the house - under lock and key by your other half! When you're in need, get him/her to bring you a couple of squares.

3. Have a low fat hot chocolate (40 calories) - or something similar.

4. Have a 'healthy' naughty snack - such as dark chocolate which has less calories, less fat and is less addictive. Or get some low fat crisps, or make up a great big fat sandwich mainly filled with salad but with the tinest slither of cheese.

5. Get some low fat biscuits that you don't like very much - they'll provide a sugar boost and some 'comfort' when you need it - but since you don't really like them you won't be picking them through the day! I use Rich Tea.....

6. Some of the high protein drinks that you can have while on purees or post-fill are very filling and although not fatty, they can trick your mind into thinking you're drinking a nice McD shake or something like ice cream....

Hope that helps someone out there!

Back from the brink?

Today started out badly. After breakfast, which was fairly normal, I experienced the frustration of lots of things 'not working'. First, the wi-fi on the computer wouldn't work, even though it was working on my netbook and iPhone. Then after spending an age fiddling with various 'help' tools, that frankly, didn't help, I eventually got it working again. Then after five minutes of jubilation the whole computer seemingly quit! I tried to restart it but at the Windows icon it just froze. I played with the safe start mode and after another age, finally got it working enough to run a virus check. This revealed a low risk virus which took more time to resolve. Then it all froze again! By this time I had wasted most of the morning and was feeling ever so slightly stressed.

I got the computer working again only to discover that the printer wouldn't work. Then my new iPhone case arrived in the post and I couldn't get the blooming thing to fit my iPhone! By now it was lunchtime and I was in no mood to be 'good' and eat a nice healthy salad! Instead I started with a cheese sandwich. In a semi-rage I ate the first bit far too quickly and nearly had a 'band' moment. The first sandwich disappeared fairly quickly and I followed it up with two slices of marmalade on toast.

Of course, by this time I was feeling pretty miserable and that I'd let myself down. But back to the technical problems. By some fluke, my better half discovered that the pc problems were entirely caused by a faulty cable and/or USB connection on the printer! So, printer removed, old one re-attached and everything worked as it should do! Although this cheered me up a little I was still feling bruised from the morning's events. I made an excuse to pop out and post a letter and found myself buying forbidden fruits. A chunky Kitkat, Dairy Milk bar and packet of cashew nuts to be precise. All were eaten before I got back home.

This was about 4pm. Since then, I have cheered up a lot and have resolved to bring this bad day back from the brink of disastrous. I ate much more sensibly this evening and also went for a walk to burn of some of my excess calories. Having done some calculations, I think that by the end of the day I will have about broken even, in terms of calories in versus calories out.

This is the value of writing everything down - even the bad stuff. In the past, not really knowing how badly the day had gone (in terms of calorie intake), I would have just 'given up' on the day and blown it completely. However, by keeping a record, I was able to do the sums and see that it would only take a little effort, and not a miracle, to rescue the day from disaster.

I'm just about to tuck into a tasty Muller Light, satisfied that although I won't have lost any weight today, I've not gained any either. It's a shame I stil succumb to emotional eating like this, but lifetime habits can't be broken in an instant. In the meantime, it's all about developing good strategies to cope with my falibility.

It started with a biscuit......

...and ended with a Chinese takeaway - with a milk chocolate bar and KitKat for dessert. More truthfully, it started with an Ambrosia low fat creamed rice - but I didn't think that would make such a punchy title! To what am I referring? I am referring to my latest in a small string of binges. OK, I have only had about five since I started out with this band but the fact that they are still with me is demonstrable proof, if I needed it, that although my body has changed, my brain is still the same ol' fatty.

Yesterday I managed to wolf down an impressive 2800 calories. It all went wrong from the moment I arrived at work. I had a long meeting to attend between 9.30am and 1pm so made sure I was at work well before 9am, giving me time to cook my Oatso Simple porridge and eat it before the meeting started. The room containing the microwave also doubles as a meeting room and isn't supposed to be booked for meetings before 11am. But someone had broken the rules and was in there with men in suits at 9am - meaning I had nowhere to cook my breakfast. As a back-up I keep a couple of pots of the low fat creamed rice to which I referred earlier. I ate one of those instead, and although it contains a similar number of calories as my porridge would have done, it makes up a much smaller volume. The result is, an hour into my meeting I was starving again.

Everyone else in the meeting was munching their way through the luxury chocolate chip cookies provided with the refreshments - so I joined them. The trouble was, I couldn't stop at a couple - I ended up eating six. Now, they're about 75 calories each so by snacking my way through the morning (450 calories) I had wolfed down nearly half my daily calorie allowance! That made me depressed. So when it came to lunch I was not feeling at my most 'robust'. I had a choice for lunch. Alternative one was to return to my office and fish out my own lunch rom my mini-fridge. It consisted of leftovers from an evening meal a couple of days before. It was a mixture of tuna, chick peas and chopped up tinned mushrooms, together with some chopped cucumber and red onion that I'd added the night before. Now, try to imagine what chick peas, tuna and tinned mushroom actually looks like - they're all the same 'beige' colour! The meal did not look at all appetising, and of course, I'd have to eat it cold - because the microwave was still out of bounds with the men-in-suits meeting. Alternative two was to stay and join the others in the sumptuous lunch that had been provided for us - gorgeous prawn mayonnaise sandwiches, cheese salad wraps, veggie things on sticks and a platter of fresh fruit. It looked good, smelt good - and by god, it tasted good too!!

Around mid-afternoon I was feeling ever so slightly cheesed off with myself because at this early stage in the day I had consumned more than my usual daily intake. Ironically, when a fat-head like me gets 'down' for eating too much - they turn to more food for comfort. So I promptly went out and bought a cheese sandwich, a KitKat and a bar of Dairy Milk - and ate the lot.

I got home from work to find my husband chatting with a couple of relatives who had popped over for the evening. To save me from having to cook for them all just after I'd got home from work, they had very kindly decided to get us all a Chinese takeaway. I ate a very healthy (not!) vegetable chow mein. Well, actually, I ate about half of it - but that half still had more calories in it than I usually eat in more than half a day's food! Later in the evening, still miserable for my over-eating, I sneaked two lots of chocolate from my husband's not-so-secret stash!

Putting all of yesterday behind me, I started out this morning keen to analyse what went wrong? How did I go from being Miss Goody-Goody over the past few weeks, to suddenly having a complete blow-out? Having done the analysis, and discussed it with my better half (including confessing to knowing about his 'secret' chocolate stash), here's what I've decided:

1. At work, keep an alternative breakfast available in the event that the microwave is not available for porridge. On Monday I'm going to take a couple of pre-weighed bags of All-Bran that I can keep in my desk drawer and use in 'emergencies'.

2. When anticipating long meetings, avoid biscuits and other attractions by taking something with me to nibble on - like a cereal bar (Alpen Light cereal bars are only 59 calories).

3. Don't use meal leftovers for lunch (especially not from two days before!) and make sure the lunch I take with me to work is at least as attractive as any lunch that might be offered to me at a meeting. Remember the Healthier Weight doctrine "I am not a waste bin".

4. [This one is already done]. Ask my husband to completely remove his 'secret' chocolate stash from the house. Don't hide it somewhere else - I'll find it. Give it away or throw it away.

The main lesson I have learnt from this experience, though, is that in my head I was a 'fatty', I am still a 'fatty', and I will probably always be a 'fatty'. It's lovely to hear people say nice things about how great I look and how well I have done, but at the end of the day, in my head, I am still exactly where I was six months ago. This doesn't mean the band is doomed to fail - far from it. It does mean, however, that (a) I must not become complacement, and (b) I must keep developing strategies for how to deal with different situations. Strategies that mean I do not have to rely on willpower or strength of character - just on good habits.

I hope this message helps you to think more about developing your own good habits and strategies and also makes you realise that you're not alone in having 'bad' days. Good luck out there!

Saliva, tightness, choking and all that jazz

I got some really good advice yesterday from the UKGastricBand forum. One piece of advice was to take Gaviscon for the heartburn. My husband very kindly went out and bought some Gaviscon liquid today while I have been at work - so I haven't tried it yet. However, I have heard about Gaviscon and believe they have a very good reputation. I don't intend taking it in the long term - just long enough to get me over this current bout of extreme tightness and associated acid.

Another nugget of information I got was from a lady who herself has experienced this odd thing of finding it easier to get solid food down than liquid. I was so relieved to find someone else who had experienced this because I really was starting to think I was going mad!! I guess it's possible that solid food kind of 'pushes' its way through the stoma of the pouch into my main stomach, whereas liquid may just 'sit around' and temporarily block the stoma. I have certainly felt something that can only be described as a 'suction' effect sometimes - this may be when the liquid makes it to the other side (of the stoma) so to speak!

I am aware that stress, emotions, 'that time of the month' and other things can be a reason for the band suddently getting very tight. A man at the Healthier Weight support group told us about a time when he was experiencing huge stress at work. He found that over the course of a week, he went from having 'normal' restriction to a point where he couldn't even swallow his own saliva! And in his case, he had not just had a fill as I have, but had been banded a couple of years before - so this really was completely out of the blue. He had to get an emergency aspiration.

I don't think I am anywhere near that point - but I did have a bit of a fright this morning. I woke up in the early hours half choking. I rushed into the bathroom and had to spit out some saliva. I remembered this man's story and wondered if I was experiencing the same thing. I slowly drank through a cup of hot water and reassured myself that all was OK - I could at least get liquid down. In hindsight, this morning's experience was almost certainly related to the fact that I went swimming last night - swimming late in the evening always makes me very snotty next morning - so I suspect I was simply 'choking' on a bit of snot / saliva in the back of my throat (sorry if this is all a bit too graphic - hope you're not eating while you read this!!!).

There is a hint that my band restriction may not be quite as ridiculously tight today, although having said that, I have so far eaten very little (haven't really felt the need!). I haven't had quite so much pain and fluids are going down slightly quicker (I can drink 0.5 litres in about one hour, as opposed to two!!!).

I will persevere and be patient and see what tomorrow brings.....

Fix my fat head

A couple of nights ago I watched an ITV documentary called "Fix My Fat Head", about a 35 year old woman who is overweight. She weighs 21 stone and the documentary was about her attempts to find a solution to the psychological reasons for over-eating. She tried a support group, hypnotherapy, psychological therapy, and simply trying to discuss childhood issues with her parents. I've picked out a few things that I found particularly interesting:

1. When she was encouraged to talk to her mother about childhood issues, she used the phrase "love on a plate". She was referring to the way that her parents used food provision as a way of showing love. This really hit home with me and made me think of my own family. It was (and still is) a family tradition to show love through the provision of food - over-provision represents the strength of love. I guess that the reverse may also be true – not finishing food shows a lack of love. I certainly recall my parents always encouraging me to clean my plate and eat all my dinner. I expect that my mother took it as a personal rejection of her if I ever left food on my plate. I hadn't even realised this until last night. My parents always had the same hang-up about money. If someone asked them for one pound they would give two – in order that no-one would think of them as mean! Hannah, the lady in the programme, found it difficult to talk to her mother about this issue because she got so defensive about things. I never spoke to my mother about this but expect that she would have been very defensive too.

2. There was a suggestion in the programme that Hannah may have been a lonely child - and that she had used food as her companion. I have a sister and two brothers so my initial reaction to this was that I would not have been lonely and therefore this would not have applied to me. However, ever heard the expression "lonely in a crowd"....?

3. Hannah had a lodger who did all her shopping and cooking (chance would be a fine thing!!!). This was a bit of a problem because it meant she had little control over what food was served up. When she was trying to eat more heathily, he would sit eating unhealthy and attractive foods right in front of her. He talked about denying her certain foods as being "tough love"- i.e. denial for her own good. Hannah found this concept difficult and said what pleasure would she have in life if she cannot eat what she wanted!

4. I got the distinct impression that Hannah was not really willing to persevere with different methods. She was looking for an instant solution and in my opinion, would really struggle with a band! For example, she tried hypnotherapy just twice - and immediately expected things to change and was disppointed that they hadn't. She also seemed unwilling to analyse the reasons for her over-eating and I got the feeling that she was putting on a brave face a lot of the time. She herself accpeted that she uses food as an emotional crutch a lot of the time rather than dealing with her issues. The therapist suggested that she should try using her friends as a crutch more often!

5. I think part of the root of Hannah's problem is that she is unwilling to actually put into practice what she clearly knows about healthy eating and exercise. She only eats pasties, chips and all sorts of unhealthy food. She doesn't or won't eat healthy vegetables and food. Further examples of her apparent unwillingness to adapt and change could be seen in some of the things she said about food. I was shocked twhen she said she had never tasted fish.........?! She had also never eaten “raw” cheese (i.e. not melted!). She simply explaind away her reluctance to try new things by saying "making me eat aubergine isn't going to make me thinner"!

6. I was interested to note that the therapist lady set Hannah a challenge – only to eat when she's hungry – and not to eat when she has emotional needs. She also told her to eat much more slowly and chew evberything really well. Sounds familiar.....!

All in all, a very interesting programme. It didn't produce any watertight psychological solutions to over-eating but did shed light on some of the reasons for emotional eating. It's also made me think a little more about the root of my own obesity - though I have never been very good at self analysis. What makes me wonder about my childhood, is that none of my siblings turned out fat - they are all normal, healthy weights. So why me????

I'm no saint

Right now I am feeling incredibly sick. Is this the effects of over-doing the exercise regime? Or is it an adverse reaction to too much healthy food? Answer - neither. It's because I have engaged, this evening, in a systematic binge, through two iced buns, a packet of Maltesers, a Twirl, a packet of chocolate buttons and two large glasses of Diet Coke. Proof that my fat gene is still very much alive and kicking. Why the self-sabotage? Who knows! The day I manage to understand the why's and wherefore's of my emotional psyche, the day I will deserve a Nobel Prize! I have a period (sorry guys!) and have generally been feeling a bit 'down' and tired all day. I have no idea whether this is related to the binge-behaviour or if it's just coincidence. I noticed that despite having a lunch that was identical to the evening meal I had yestersday (and that filled me up), I was still hungry all afternoon. I was hungry when I got home from work and had some soup but was still hungry and then ate a cheese toastie (really the the start of my binge evening).

Having thought only yesterday that maybe I have the right amount of restriction at long last - now I am wondering whether that is, indeed the case!! Who knows with this band - it seems to have a mind of its own. Having said that, the band is infinitely more reliable than my brain. Now I am off to bed to sleep off my huge, fat, stuffed stomach. Hopefully I've not done any lasting damage - and tomorrow's a new day.

Tears from the Amazon

I received a parcel through the post from Amazon this morning, and within minutes of opening it, found tears streaming down my cheeks. What was it? A book I ordered called "Fighting Weight: How I Achieved Healthy Weight Loss with 'Banding', a New Procedure that Eliminates Hunger Forever" written by Khaliah Ali - daughter of the famous Mohammed. Why the tears? Well, I did what I always do when I get a new book, I scanned the inside covers, the back page and the contents list - to get a feel for what is in the book and how it is structured. I also had a sneak preview of the first couple of pages of the introduction.

Just from this brief scan I had already got a glimpse of the physical and emotional trauma that this lady went through as a morbidly obese person (325 pounds) and it just rang very true, and so close to home. I could identify with everything she said. On the back page, for instance, she describes how she unexpectedly bumped into her father at a fund-raising event and saw the very sad, concerned look on his face when he looked at her. She talks about her sense of shame and loss of dignity and the way that no-one who hasn't experienced this can really understand. She also talks about the way that being overweight became part and parcel of every waking moment of her life. I know just how she felt.

In the introduction Khaliah begins by referring to the practicalities of being obese in America - how 20 million Americans "cannot pull an airplane seatbelt across their laps", can't run for a bus or train, have to engage in advance planning just to get into a bath and never sit on fragile garden furniture for fear of breaking it. This inevitably leads to a huge sense of shame, loss of dignity and vulnerability.

It was at about that point that my tear ducts started working overtime. I think it was to do with the enormous anticipation that I was going to read a book about a person, who I don't know, with whom I share so much. So many emotions, fears and frustrations. I am going to read about a lifetime that shares so much in common with my own, of the practicalities of obesity, the looks and stares, the shame and the sheer hopelessness of it all. And then, I am gong to read about someone who has already completed the journey that I am still on - about their success, the weight loss, the great triumph of beating this disease - and I anticipate it will be a sad, sometimes heartrending, informative, optimistic and eventually, triumphant journey.

I am going to set aside some serious time to read this book. I can't wait to start. As always, I will report back.....

I can make you thin: Part two

So, where were we? I was discussing Paul McKenna's (PM) book, "I Can Make You Thin", and in particular, his four 'rules'. I thought it might be useful to say something about each one, and in particular, how they relate to rules for bandits.

PMs first rule is "When you are hungry, EAT". On the face of it, this seems obvious. However, many of us have been deeply ingrained with diet 'rules' that say: only eat 'x' meals per day, no snacking, if you're hungry have a drink - and that sort of thing. The result is that we have come to associate weight loss with unpleasant hunger. PM argues that hunger isn't actually necessary - we just need to be more tuned in to our 'I'm full' signals. Instead of eating when we think we ought to, we should eat when we actually feel hunger (and, as rule 4 says, then stop when we are full). I watched a TV programme last night, Horizon, that was all about our natural body clock and how it is there to protect us, feed us and give us rest. The programme makers presented the general thesis that our body clock knows better than us - and this is as true of eating as it is of many other bodily functions and activities.

However, what I like about this rule is what it doesn't say. The corollary to eating only when you are hungry, is "don't eat when you are not hungry". This probably sounds very obvious to many people - why would you want to eat if you're not hungry? I suspect most non-fatties just wouldn't get it! But for those of us who are emotional and habitual eaters, refraining from eating when not hungry is easier said than done. Take this example of what I used to do: I'd eat a very light breakfast before setting off for work. By noon I was ravenous. As a result, at lunchtime in the staff canteen, I'd pile far more on my plate than I actually needed. I would frequently return to my office after lunch absolutely stuffed! By about 5 or 6pm in the afternoon, I'd start to feel peckish again and would either raid the chocolate machine or stop off at a petrol station on the way home. Most people in that situation would have bought one bar of chocolate or something to satisfy their hunger, but not me. I used to buy a couple of chocolate bars, a packet of crisps and often a cake or sandwich as well. Of course, after eating the first bar of chocolate I would have easily satisfied my hunger pangs - but having bought all that food I felt some warped obligation to eat it (probably the same warped obligation that still sees me struggling to leave any food on my plate!)! I'd arrive home about 7pm-ish, again, stuffed full. However, it was dinner time, so I'd have to cook, and I'd have to eat, out of habit or duty or to fit in with some sort of normality - I don't know. But even though I was full to bursting, I would still cook and eat my dinner.

This is a perfect example of what PM means by this rule. It's a two-way thing: Don't go hungry following some diet rules - if you are hungry eat something. However, on the other hand, don't eat out of habit or expectation - only eat if you actually are hungry. How does this rule relate to bandit rules? Well, if you have really good restriction, then in theory, at least, it should be possible to eat just three small meals a day without experiencing hunger. However, if you are like me, and still getting band adjustments, I experience hunger on a regular basis. This is because I am trying to stick to the band eating rules while not yet having the benefit of proper restriction.

The PM second rule is "EAT WHAT YOU WANT, not what you think you should". This one is quite simple - PM is totally against diets and doesn't think they work (neither do I, having been on a few). One of the reasons diets fail is because when people are on a diet they tend to eat different things than they would when off it - the diet, therefore, does not prepare you for 'normal', non-diet life. Weight loss is only likely to be maintained if we can lose weight by adopting habits that can be maintained for life. If we think we can go on, for the rest of our lives, existing off 800 calories a day on low fat yoghurts ansd the like, then fine, but most of us cannot! PM has a bit of a 'pop' at healthy food. Personally, I enjoy healthy food, fruit and vegetables, pulses, lentils, and fish (I am after all, a fish-eating vegetarian - so if I didn't like these things I'd be in trouble!). My provider sets out a fairly constrained list of different types of foods that I should be eating. This is for two reasons, one to ensure I get a good nutritional balance, and two, to eat food of the right textures (to avoid 'slider' foods and the like). That said, my provider specifically says that while the band is ineffective with foods such as chocolate and ice cream, they are not saying we should never eat these - only that we should eat them in moderation. In that respect I think there's a lot of commonality between band rules and PMs rules.

The third PM rule is "Eat CONSCIOUSLY and enjoy every mouthful". This totally complies with one of the most important behaviours for bandits to adopt - eating slowly, chewing everything carefully, and not eating while watching TV etc! As well as encouraging us to be more conscious of what and how much we are eating, to learn to enjoy food rather than wolfing it down in a rush, this rule also creates more time for our brains to work out that our stomach's are full!

The final PM rule is "When you think you are full, STOP eating". I've probably covered this in the discussion of rule number one, but basically, it is about being more conscious of when we are full, when we are hungry etc. PM provides a really useful 'Hunger Scale', which goes from physically faint (due to hunger) to nauseous (due to over-eating). This is quite a useful tool to encourage us to think more clearly about exactly how hungry or full we are - something I know I have never really done before now - but I'm starting to be more aware with every day that passes. It actually gives me quite a lot of pleasure getting to the point of feeling just a little hungry - because then when I eat I know I am eating at the right time and for the right reason.

Whoooosh! Sorry if that was a bit rambling but PMs book provoked so many thoughts they all kind of came out of my head in a rush! Hopefully it makes some sense!