Fat Man Slim

This evening I watched a documentary on Sky Three called Fat Man Slim. It was about an obese, 40 year old successful businessman who decided to change his life. He weighed 26.5 stone and vowed to lose 6 stone in 12 months. He also gave up work for a year so that he and his wife could focus on weight loss, health and fitness. In the event, he lost that amount in the first six months. He did it with his wife by eating non-processed goods, lots of fruit and veg, and doing lots of exercise. 

After achieving his one year target in six months he set a new target to lose another 20kg in the last six months. With two months to go he had just 5kg to go, so he changed it to 10kg because that would have added up to a total of ten stone for the year! He achieved his ten stone goal after one year. Amazing. This is a guy with bucketloads of determination. To continue losing weight at this rate he was going to the gym twice a day, five times a week, and eating three small meals a day. 

It was fascinating to see him go through the same clothes stages that I did - first they wouldn't fit, then they would, they they were too big! 

At the end of his journey his whole face appeared so much thinner and he looked younger and basically fab. Seeing a whole year condensed into an hour offered a fascinating insight into the way that the body can change, given the right treatment. The man, known as 'Squeeze' (!) said that over the year he passed through five emotional phases:
 
Shame
Guilt
Anger
Acceptance
Recovery process

He talked about the inner battle he has had with himself - not just in the past year but always - and not just about weight but with most things. He talked about how he has learnt how to manage this 'inner battle'. The layers of emotional baggage, fat, and constant over-compensation (e.g. for his weight, lack of fitness and self-worth) - they are all gone now. All that's left is him. On the one hand this is great because he's now just himself, but it's also a little scary.  

There was a fascinating meeting with his doctor at about the four month point. The doctor asked him how he was, what he thought of himself having lost so much weight? His response? "I loathe myself less". The doctor was a little taken aback and obviously had no real understanding of the self-loathing and low self-esteem issues faced by many obese people. The doctor afterwards said to the camera that it was surprising that despite all of his successes in life - work, home, marriage - he doesn't have a very high opinion of himself. I can relate to this totally. 
 
Squeeze said that it's not until you admit you have a problem and commit yourself to changing things, that you start to seriously think about how you see yourself. Maybe you're not so aware of self-loathing before, or perhaps you just bury it. He talked about how he was always seen as the fat fool, disguising inner struggles with humour and bravado: "Bravado is a wonderful tool for divorcing yourself from your situation and I used it in spades". 

And finally, some advice for weight losers who start to get over-confident: "Whenever I started feeling cocky I would stand in front of a full length mirror and jump up and down stark-b*****k naked. Believe me - that's motivation!"  

Predisposed to gluttony

There was an interesting item on the One Show on BBC this evening. They are taking a look at the seven deadly sins - one each day - and it was gluttony's turn today. First the question was asked, why are we so gluttonous? Is this something we are predisposed to from an evolutionary point of view? Well, apparently yes. In ancient times food was relatively scarce, particularly in the winter months. Therefore we would eat what we could find and hunt in the summer months of relative plenty and gain weight. This extra fat would have seen us through the relatively lean days of the winter. The difficulty for modern (western) people is that food is never in shortage and therefore we simply gain weight and become obese.

The programme makers then asked if there was anything we can do to overcome this - so they performed a simple experiment. They got four people to fast for 24 hours. They were then allowed to eat as much as they wanted. Blood samples were taken during the fasting, during the eating and afterwards. They tested two groups of hormones, those that relate to hunger (ghelin) and several others that indicate satiety - or fullness. They found that, as expected, the ghelin was very high before eating - because they were hungry from their 24h fast. Ghelin levels then fell during eating and again afterwards. However, it took 30 minutes for this hormone to fall. At the same time, the levels of satiety hormones increased during and after eating - but again there was a delay of about 30 minutes before any change took place.

The problem with delay this was illustrated superbly by one of the participants, who, in less than 30 minutes, ate a substantial meal of steak, chips and peas, and no less than FIVE desserts!! This totalled more than 3,000 calories - far higher than the recommended total daily intake for a man of his height and weight! Adrian Chiles, one of the programme presenters joked that he usually tried to eat his food as quickly as possible so that he could eat it all before that 'full' feeling had time to kick in!!

So, the moral of this tale, is EAT SLOWLY! This is what our band providers tell us all the time and here is the reason why. So, message to self: Eat slowly, eat with small utensils to facilitate this, put the knife and fork down between mouthfuls, chew everything a lot to slow it down even further and finally, don't get distracted while eating because this tends to make us eat even faster!

Hypocrisy or kindness?

OK, I admit, sometimes it's really nice when people say complementary things about the way I look or how well I've done with my weight loss. When people first started noticing and commenting on my weight loss it really gave me a boost to hear them say so. But now it's getting silly. There are people I know who now seem to have absolutely nothing to say to me that doesn't revolve around my weight loss. And that's not all. Why does the fact that I've lost weight suddenly give people the right to ask really personal questions? How much do I weigh? What did I used to weigh? What's my target weight? How come I got so obese in the first place? Do I get trapped wind or constipation?!! I'm not kidding!

But you know what's really bugging me? I was obese for twenty years and for fifteen of those I was morbidly obese. Now, with the exception of my darling husband and a couple of comments from my older brother and my Dad, NOBODY EVER SAID A WORD TO ME ABOUT MY WEIGHT (upper case intentional!). Don't get me wrong, I understand that people might gave been reluctant to raise the topic for fear of upsetting me or something, but if they'd really cared so much WHY didn't they talk to me about my weight? Why did no-one ever enquire as to whether I was happy or not with my weight? How come no-one ever thought to warn me of the dangers to my health and mobility? Why didn't anyone give me any encouraging words that might have spurred me on to think more seriously about dealing with my weight problem? And yet now, apparently it's open season for any Tom, Dick or Harry to discuss my weight.

I know that I must take ultimate responsibility for my body, my weight and my life. But my only regret about having a gastric band is that I didn't have it done sooner. I cannot help wondering, that if some of my friends, family, neighbours and work colleagues had said something, I just might not have been in denial for so long, and I just may have got a band and changed my life around sooner.

Love yourself to weight loss

I watched this video recently (click on the link above) and although a little rambling (it goes on for ten minutes) it was very thought-provoking. The lady speaking is basically saying that many obese people believe that when we lose weight, when we are that fit, healthy person we crave to be, only then will we love ourselves. Our self-esteem will be higher, we will have more self-confidence and be happy in our bodies. However, she believes that it should be the other way around. She begins by asking the fundamental question - how do we begin the process of weight loss. I don't think she means, in the sense of the practicalities of eating, exercise, and so on, but in terms of the psychological and/or emotional drivers to make the decision to lose weight in the first place.

Her argument is that we need to learn to love ourselves first. We need to like our bodies, our minds and our personalities now. Then and only then, will we be in a position to be able to manage our food intake properly and in a sustainable way. The argument goes like this: If we love ourselves, then why would we put food into our mouths that we know is harmful to our bodies? If we love ourselves, are we not much more likely to want to reward our bodies with good quality, healthy, nutritious food?

I have come across this line of thinking before - in a faith-based Christian book called 'Free to be Slim'. This focusses on the idea that if God loves us and thinks the world of us, then who are we to think badly of ourselves. If instead, we align ourselves with God's thinking of us - that we are wonderful human beings, then we would want to 'bless' our bodies through the healthy food choices that we put into it.

I can see the logic in these arguments and they do make some sense. Certainly when I was a runner many years ago I lost a lot of weight. Partly this was simply because of the amount of energy I was burning in the running, but partly it was because my head, well, sort of changed - as far as food choices were concerned. I simply didn't crave fatty, sugary, high calorie foods any more. My body was lean and mean and I was full of self-confidence, and if anything, I craved salads, fresh vegetables and fruit, lean fish and so on. There was no effort on my part to stop eating bad foods - it just came naturally out of an inate desire to 'do good' for my body.

I'm not sure where this leaves me now. Like I said, I see some sense in the argument. However, I also know that since I have lost loads of weight my self esteem and confidence have blossomed. I now delight to buy clothes and have noticed my clothes are getting brighter in colour - I no longer feel the need to hide away and 'camouflage' myself.

So maybe both are true. If we love ourselves we are more likely to make good food choices than if we don't. But also, if we make the right food choices, driven by some other 'power', then we will also come to love ourselves more.

Cor! I don't do philosophy very often. It's taxing on the ol' brain innit?

Going on the run?

Once upon a time, there was a slim woman who was very fit, ran 5 to 10 miles a day, did triathlons and trained twice a day. Then one day, she woke up and twenty years had passed by. Now, she was fat and totally unfit and could just about manage to walk, never mind run! But that was before she was kissed by a prince and got a gastric band. Eight months later, she found she wasn't so fat anymore, she could walk quite fast - and her head was telling her she might be able to run again. But deep in her heart, she doubted whether she would be able to because of all the damage that her obese years had done to her knees and hips. So, she had to find the magic wizard and ask him if she could run again......

........the story hasn't ended yet because I haven't found the magic wizard! I don't know if I will be able to run again or indeed whether this story has a happy ending or not. But, in case you missed it, my mind is eager, I think even desperate for my body to run again - and I just don't know if I can. "Well why not just try!", I hear you cry, yes, I guess I should. The thing is though, last time I ran, I looked like a runner and I was twenty-something. Now, I just look like a middle-aged, overweight fuddy duddy trying to re-live her youth! Maybe I am! Basically I am very self conscious about my body and the thought of anyone seeing me struggling to jog along the street fills me with fear!

I think I will plot and plan ahead and try to get in my first attempt under cover of darkness!

I'm SOoooo happy - I'm overweight!

I just updated my weight loss ticker and realised that I have passed an important milestone - my BMI has gone below 30 (just). That means I am no longer classified as OBESE - now I'm just OVERWEIGHT!!

Wow! Does this mean I am on my way to becoming a 'normal' member of society at last?!!

What I really want to know, is how do I celebrate? In the past I would be off down the shop for a bag of chocolate goodies..... I suppose I could celebrate with a Muller Light or a green salad????!!

Like buses, milestones come in threes....

I have got three weight-related milestones coming up in the very near future - in fact I passed one of them this morning!

Milestone 1: Getting below 200 pounds for the first time in decades - I achieved this one today as I am now at 197lbs (14 stone 1lb).

Milestone 2: Getting below 14 stone - I have two pounds to go before I am into the 13's.

Milestone 3: Getting below a BMI of 30, which takes me from being 'obese' to 'overweight'!!

Of the three, the one I am most looking forward to achieving is the last. It will be a truly massive day for me when I can (and probably will) shout from the rooftops that "I am no longer OBESE!!!".

Fix my fat head

A couple of nights ago I watched an ITV documentary called "Fix My Fat Head", about a 35 year old woman who is overweight. She weighs 21 stone and the documentary was about her attempts to find a solution to the psychological reasons for over-eating. She tried a support group, hypnotherapy, psychological therapy, and simply trying to discuss childhood issues with her parents. I've picked out a few things that I found particularly interesting:

1. When she was encouraged to talk to her mother about childhood issues, she used the phrase "love on a plate". She was referring to the way that her parents used food provision as a way of showing love. This really hit home with me and made me think of my own family. It was (and still is) a family tradition to show love through the provision of food - over-provision represents the strength of love. I guess that the reverse may also be true – not finishing food shows a lack of love. I certainly recall my parents always encouraging me to clean my plate and eat all my dinner. I expect that my mother took it as a personal rejection of her if I ever left food on my plate. I hadn't even realised this until last night. My parents always had the same hang-up about money. If someone asked them for one pound they would give two – in order that no-one would think of them as mean! Hannah, the lady in the programme, found it difficult to talk to her mother about this issue because she got so defensive about things. I never spoke to my mother about this but expect that she would have been very defensive too.

2. There was a suggestion in the programme that Hannah may have been a lonely child - and that she had used food as her companion. I have a sister and two brothers so my initial reaction to this was that I would not have been lonely and therefore this would not have applied to me. However, ever heard the expression "lonely in a crowd"....?

3. Hannah had a lodger who did all her shopping and cooking (chance would be a fine thing!!!). This was a bit of a problem because it meant she had little control over what food was served up. When she was trying to eat more heathily, he would sit eating unhealthy and attractive foods right in front of her. He talked about denying her certain foods as being "tough love"- i.e. denial for her own good. Hannah found this concept difficult and said what pleasure would she have in life if she cannot eat what she wanted!

4. I got the distinct impression that Hannah was not really willing to persevere with different methods. She was looking for an instant solution and in my opinion, would really struggle with a band! For example, she tried hypnotherapy just twice - and immediately expected things to change and was disppointed that they hadn't. She also seemed unwilling to analyse the reasons for her over-eating and I got the feeling that she was putting on a brave face a lot of the time. She herself accpeted that she uses food as an emotional crutch a lot of the time rather than dealing with her issues. The therapist suggested that she should try using her friends as a crutch more often!

5. I think part of the root of Hannah's problem is that she is unwilling to actually put into practice what she clearly knows about healthy eating and exercise. She only eats pasties, chips and all sorts of unhealthy food. She doesn't or won't eat healthy vegetables and food. Further examples of her apparent unwillingness to adapt and change could be seen in some of the things she said about food. I was shocked twhen she said she had never tasted fish.........?! She had also never eaten “raw” cheese (i.e. not melted!). She simply explaind away her reluctance to try new things by saying "making me eat aubergine isn't going to make me thinner"!

6. I was interested to note that the therapist lady set Hannah a challenge – only to eat when she's hungry – and not to eat when she has emotional needs. She also told her to eat much more slowly and chew evberything really well. Sounds familiar.....!

All in all, a very interesting programme. It didn't produce any watertight psychological solutions to over-eating but did shed light on some of the reasons for emotional eating. It's also made me think a little more about the root of my own obesity - though I have never been very good at self analysis. What makes me wonder about my childhood, is that none of my siblings turned out fat - they are all normal, healthy weights. So why me????

Fatties cause global warming

...or at least that's how The Sun put it! A study has been conducted by researchers at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. It suggests that 'obese populations' contribute more to global warming than non-obese populations. The argument is that this is because obese people consume more food, and the production of that food generates more carbon dixoide. In addition, obese people are more likely to use a car, emitting further carbon into atmosphere, than non-obese people - who are more likely to walk.

Now, I haven't seen the details of this research, only the reports in The Sun and The Guardian, but the study wasn't conducted - as you might think - by investigating what obese people eat or how they live their lives, it was based on a theoretical model of such. In fact, the model claims to represent 1 billion non-obese people and 1 billion obese people. While I suspect that some of the broader principles hinted at in these media reports hold some truth, I am also a little concerned at the validity of the model. Why? Because most obese people in the world live in developed, westernised nations. These countries, like the UK and the USA, have a very different lifestyle and standard of living than less developed countries where most non-obese people live. The problem with this is that westernised nations may actually 'use' more food, not only because they are eating more, but also because we waste much more. For example, look at how many restaurants we have, and supermarkets, that throw away huge quantities of 'waste' food on a daily basis. And to what extent do we use our cars more because we are obese (and lazy, by implication), or is it simply that car usage fits in more with typical western lifestyles - with the stresses and strains of modern living, getting the kids to school on time so two parents can go to work, and do the Tesco shopping on the way home?

The point I am making, is that although there may be some grain of truth in what the researchers say, I would argue that a significant proportion of food and car usage are not directly down to obesity, but instead, because of the indirect effects of our modern, westernised lifestyles.

Summits up.....

I went for a walk today - and got home in celebratory mood. The reason? Because my walk was actually a rugged hike up Helvellyn in the English Lake District. For those who are not familiar with this part of the world. Helvellyn is the second highest mountain in England, standing at 950m. The reason for my celebratory mood was because the last time I managed to ascend a mountain of these proportions was about six years ago. Since then, because of my obesity, I have only managed to climb up about 3-400m maximum. More than this has been beyond me. Even climbing up a small hill has previously left me totally breathless, usually with a blinding headache - presumably the effects of lack of oxygen!! Worse than this has been the embarrasment and humiliation I have felt when walking with others. It's just so unbearably awful to be walking with people who are so much fitter than you - you just feel so rubbish, so fat, so slow and such a hindrance.

But today was different. I'm not saying it wasn't an effort, but relatively, I sailed up the mountain - and down again. I did the total walk in a very respectable time and frequently overtook others walking along the same route. This is evidence, not only of the fact that my lighter body requires less effort to move it along, but also of my increasing fitness. I was a little worried about how my knees would behave on the way down - since years of excess weight have weakened them. However, I did not need to be anxious - they were fine and gave me no pain. This is a particularly encouraging sign because it suggests that the damage I have done to them over the 'fat years' may not be permanent. I'm not ready to run a marathon yet (!) but it looks as though there is nothihg stopping me from continuing to work at my fitness levels. Who knows, this time next year I may be tackling bigger mountains! I've always wanted, for example, to have a go at Ben Nevis - the highest mountain in Britain, standing at about 1380m. I have also been inspired by a recent walk that some celebrities did for charity - don't laugh - Mt. Kilimanjaro. Who knows......?!!

Tears from the Amazon

I received a parcel through the post from Amazon this morning, and within minutes of opening it, found tears streaming down my cheeks. What was it? A book I ordered called "Fighting Weight: How I Achieved Healthy Weight Loss with 'Banding', a New Procedure that Eliminates Hunger Forever" written by Khaliah Ali - daughter of the famous Mohammed. Why the tears? Well, I did what I always do when I get a new book, I scanned the inside covers, the back page and the contents list - to get a feel for what is in the book and how it is structured. I also had a sneak preview of the first couple of pages of the introduction.

Just from this brief scan I had already got a glimpse of the physical and emotional trauma that this lady went through as a morbidly obese person (325 pounds) and it just rang very true, and so close to home. I could identify with everything she said. On the back page, for instance, she describes how she unexpectedly bumped into her father at a fund-raising event and saw the very sad, concerned look on his face when he looked at her. She talks about her sense of shame and loss of dignity and the way that no-one who hasn't experienced this can really understand. She also talks about the way that being overweight became part and parcel of every waking moment of her life. I know just how she felt.

In the introduction Khaliah begins by referring to the practicalities of being obese in America - how 20 million Americans "cannot pull an airplane seatbelt across their laps", can't run for a bus or train, have to engage in advance planning just to get into a bath and never sit on fragile garden furniture for fear of breaking it. This inevitably leads to a huge sense of shame, loss of dignity and vulnerability.

It was at about that point that my tear ducts started working overtime. I think it was to do with the enormous anticipation that I was going to read a book about a person, who I don't know, with whom I share so much. So many emotions, fears and frustrations. I am going to read about a lifetime that shares so much in common with my own, of the practicalities of obesity, the looks and stares, the shame and the sheer hopelessness of it all. And then, I am gong to read about someone who has already completed the journey that I am still on - about their success, the weight loss, the great triumph of beating this disease - and I anticipate it will be a sad, sometimes heartrending, informative, optimistic and eventually, triumphant journey.

I am going to set aside some serious time to read this book. I can't wait to start. As always, I will report back.....

Sharing experiences

I went to the HW support group meeting today and it found it really helpful. It wasn't so much the formal presentation (though that was also very useful), but more the general sharing of experiences among the bandits present. It's unbelievably helpful to know that other people have experienced similar struggles, successes and concerns as I have. I got so much out of the meeting I cannot hope to relay it all to you, but here's a selection of things I recall:

1. My hair is still falling out! I was advised to take some zinc supplement tablets or kelp. However, the hair loss is very widely known among people who have lost a lot of weight and is only temporary (I was assured that I wont go bald!). I bought some zinc supplement tablets from Boots on the way home - they are not chewable but seem small enough to swallow without any trouble.

2. A man who reached his target weight about four months ago (and looks fantastic) has not had a de-fill. He's stopped losing weight because he's chosen to consume more calories by eating 4-6 small meals per day. He says he eats anything, including some chocolate, but in limited quantities. He had also had a tummy tuck! It's funny seeing him now and not having known him before his weight loss - if I just saw him in the street I wouldn't have had the slightest clue that he was once super-obese!

3. I came away from the meeting feeling really reassured about getting another fill tomorrow. I have been a little anxious about it because of what happened last time (slime, pain and indigestion). However, hearing what other people can (or cannot) eat, it's clear that I do not have the same level of restriction as them. One man said he was in the same position as me some time ago and had had a very small fill of just 0.2ml and it made all the difference and got him to his 'sweet spot'.

4. I asked what signs a person gets that they are at the right level of restriction and was told (by several experienced bandits) that "you just know" when you get there - "you will know".

5. One person shared that although they had been banded and reached their 'sweet spot' a long time ago, they still exprienced very variable restriction - some days wondering "how in earth did I manage to eat all of that" and other days unable to eat more than a mouthful or two of a meal. I have had some hints of this - some days I seem to have restriction, and other days not.

6. Another man told us how during the week while he's at work he buys his lunch from a local sandwich shop. When he first went there he asked if they could make him a sandwich with just one slice of bread and since then they have nicknamed him "Arfur" - as in 'alf a sandwich!!! Nice to know that some outlets are willing to make special concessions for regulars.

Well that's it in terms of hard facts. The main thing I gained from today is just a sense of not being in this alone, that loads of other people have been there before me and are willing to share their experiences. If you are reading this and get an opportunity to go to a support group I would highly recommend it.

Gastric banding: The 'quick fix'

You may be aware that there has been some stuff in the news over the last couple of days about gastric surgery. This is because figures have come out that showed a 40% increase in the number of people getting gastric surgery via the NHS (over the last year, I think). As a result, some of the popular TV and radio channels have been running stories on gastric surgery.

Last night I was driving home from work and listening to the Radio Five Live 'Drive' show. There was a phone-in and the presenter was provocatively asking a caller why obese people should even consider the 'drastic' solution of gastric surgery. She said; "instead of going for the 'quick fix', why don't they [obese people] just adopt a healthy eating lifestyle and get some exercise?" Well, I have to confess that there was almost a pile-up on the M62 at that point because I nearly choked on my own saliva! Quick fix?! Gastric banding is many things, but quick fix it most definitely is NOT!

Unperturbed, and finding myself on a long journey to Birmingham today (more about that in a separate post), I tuned into the radio again. I got bored with listening to people banging on about the financial woes of the world and switched to Radio 2. And waddya know? They were just about to start a phone-in on the topic of gastric surgery.....! The presenter, Jeremy Vine, was asking people to phone in on the question of whether the NHS should 'foot the bill' for all these obese people to have surgery. He suggested that perhaps gastric surgery should be regarded as a cosmetic procedure and patients should pay for it themselves. This provoked some strong opinions in both directions, including from the infamous Ann Widdecombe MP, who argued that the limited budget of the NHS should not be stretched to paying for gastric surgery. Her argument was, that whereas a person who is, say, going blind, cannot do anything about their condition - an obese person can do something about theirs. Therefore, conditions that individuals have no control over should always come higher up the priority list than obesity.

I see the logic in this argument. However, Ann Widdecombe and her trusty band of followers are missing several crucial points, most of which were raised by subsequent callers. First, the cost of gastric surgery (about £7-8000 paid for privately) is a drop in the ocean compared with the costs of treating people in older age for obesity-related illness (e.g. chronic heart failre, diabetes, mobility problems etc). If the NHS spends a little now - on appropriate obese people - it will certainly save in the long run. Second, there is an implicit assumption that people who are obese are greedy, lazy, inactive gluttons - and they should jolly well get up off their fat a***s, do some exercise and just stop putting things in their mouths! Do these 'thin' people really think that we like being fat? Do they not think we have tried all sorts of remedies - and failed? Do they not know that many obese people have psychological, emotional and physical problems that are the root cause of their obesity? It's a bit like saying to an alcoholic, "just stop drinking" - oh if only it were that simple!!! We are not all blessed with acres of willpower - or even common sense!

The third thing is this. Where do you stop? Ann Widdecombe was essentially saying that any illness or medical condition that we can conceivably be thought to have brought upon ourselves should not be supported by the NHS. So, does this mean the NHS will stop treating smokers? Or alchoholics? Or rock-climbers (my own brother nearly killed himself in a fall off a mountain a few years ago and had to be rescued by air ambulance - so I know all about this!). What about peple who wear stilletos and have to have bunions treated?! What about dental treatment - how about we ALL pay for the full cost since we are probably responsible for tooth decay because we eat too many sweets or don't clean our teeth properly! What about people who get bowel cancer - perhaps their diet earlier in life contributed to them geting it? This all sounds a bit bizarre, but I hope you get the point - as soon as the blame culture becomes central to when or how we provide medical treatment, there is no sensible end in sight - where do you stop? Personally, I believe the NHS should exist to provide the full range of treatments for all - including gastric surgery for serious cases. It has to manage its limited budget in the best way it can, but this should not be by artificially excluding people who are regarded as somehow being to 'blame' for their condition.

Obesity has led to low self-confidence

I watched a bit of Supersize versus Superskinny that was on TV last night. The main thing that struck me was how much the overweight man lacked self-confidence. He weighed about 28 stone and seemed to be a really nice man. However, he said he hadn't had a girlfriend and this contributed to a general lack of confidence in himself.

The programme caused me to reflect a little on how my own self-confidence has suffered over the years due to my obesity. I've found that it has gradually declined more and more to the point where last year I basically went out of my way to avoid interacting with people at all. For many years I have worn baggy clothes to 'hide' my figure. I also avoid social events, generally, and keep myself to myself - outside of work hours.

Having said that, I expect most people who know me would be surprised to hear me express feelings of low self-esteem and lack of self confidence. At work, among acquaintances and when meeting new people (and even family), I think I give off an air of confidence. This is an outward expression only - inside I am usually itching to get away from people and hide. As part of my job I sometimes have to go to conferences to give presentations and 'network'. I absolutely hate doing this - hate it with a vengeance! I find it particularly difficult when I'm put in a position of feeling exposed (e.g. if several people are looking at me or listening).

Anyway, I'd like to finish this post on a positive note. I have definitely noticed something of a spring in my step in the past few weeks. I feel quite positive about myself and this feeling is notably enhanced when I find another item of clothing in my wardrobe that now fits me! I think the main differences are because (i) being able to wear slightly more 'normal' clothes gives me a boot, and (ii) I am physically much fitter than I was - I can now walk up the eight flights of stairs to my office without gasping for air and I'm walking about much faster than before.

So, here's to increasing confidence. I hope you all share in similar successes. The link above goes to a YouTube video of a lady speaking about how her own self-esteem has increased since undergoing weight loss surgery.