Self sabotage

Oh dear.....! For anyone who hasn't got a band but is thinking about it - here's a warning. The band may fix your stomach, but it doesn't fix your head! I've had a whole day of the dreaded 'head hunger'. I was doing OK until early afternoon. After yesterday's KitKat silliness I took extra precautions and took some healthy snacks to work with me - a Muller Light yoghurt, an Alpen Light cereal bar and a banana. That lot ought to have kept me going, but alas, it was not to be. Having eaten my healthy lunch of salmon, brown rice and green beans, I proceeded to scoff my way through the cereal bar and banana. An hour or so later and I was 'head hungry again'. If you're not familiar with this term, it simply refers to those occasions when we think we are hungry but we're not. We are not actually suffering from the physical hunger that comes from not eating enough - this is characterised by rumbling in the tummy and a sense of 'weakness' or light-headedness. No, head hunger is when we crave food to satisfy our psychological needs rather than physical needs.

Still head hungry, and not getting any satisfaction from my healthy snacks, I went to the vending machine and bought two bars of chocolate and a packet of crisps. I can hardly believe that I visited the darned machine again a couple of hours later and got another choccie bar and more crisps. Arriving home from work, I gorged on a large chunk of baguette and then started on cooking the dinner. My dinner (mash, veggie sausages and mixed veg) was probably the most healthy thing I had eaten since lunchtime. But it didn't stop there. I folllowed that up with a Muller Light, then more baguette and then a packet of mints. To be honest, sitting here now, feeling like a complete pig, I could still easily eat more chocolate - if I had any.

So what's this all about [Alfie]? If you've been following my blog for a while you'll know that I have had the occasional 'blow out', but mainly, I'm quite a good girl! I generally behave myself where food is concerned and stick to all the 'rules' given me by my band provider. So is this a physical problem - simply down to lack of restriction since my last de-fill? Or is it entirely psychological? Certainly it's not 'that time of month' (!), I am not under any particular stress at work and things are fine at home and in my family.

I remember as a kid my mum saying a nursery rhyme. I can't recall all of it, but I know one bit went something like this: "when she was good she was very, very good, but when she was bad she was horrid!". And that's a fair description of how I think my head works. Basically there's a vicious cycle going on. My restriction is pretty poor at the minute (though only three days now to my fill - and counting). As a result it is more of a struggle to keep hunger at bay and eat the right foods. So I occasionally go off track a little and that disappoints me. Being disappointed in myself I feel lousy - and so I eat a bit more - comfort food, you understand. Then I think, 'well I've blown it for today so I might as well blow it proper and eat all the 'nice' things that I can't usually eat' - and on the cycle goes.

Writing it all down this does spell out to me just how silly it all is. If I could just find a way to satisfy my head hunger through some means other than food - I'd have this thing beaten for life. However, I want to finish on a positive note. Well, two actually. The first is this. Despite having had several binges and bad days over the past three weeks or so since my de-fill, I have not gained any weight. I have actually lost a pound or two. This gives me great hope for the future - that even if it all goes competely belly-up (not a good metaphore under the circumstances!) - I won't end up back at square one. The second thing is that I have my fill in a few days and this should have two positive outcomes. One is that I'll be forced to go onto fluids and mush for a total of six days. That will get me back into some better discipline and I'll amost certainly lose an extra pound or two. The other is that I should have much better restriction so will be back on the road to thinness!

Be careful out there.