Indigestion, pain and tiredness

A couple of days on from my 3rd fill now, and things are worse, if anything. I am struggling to get anything down - even water, black tea etc. So, I am struggling to consume enough fluid and keep hydrated. Thicker liquids like soup definitely go down a bit easier. In addition to the indigestion-like feelings in my throat, today I have also been getting cramp-like tightness in my chest, in my back and in my lower stomach too! It's such an effort, and a pain - literally - to drink that it's getting me down. Yesterday by mid-evening I still only managed about 400 calories so I sucked a bar of Dairy Milk chocolate and got my calorie count up to 650. I have bought another bar today in case the same thing happens. I know I shouldn't really be eating chocolate but I am not alone in this. I remember reading about a lady who found she was struggling to eat after a fill, and the only things she was able to eat were chocolate and ice cream! I went a for a short walk with my hubby today and after about 20 minutes I was ready to quit - I just felt sooooo tired and lifeless and weak. I am sure this is because I'm just not eating enough at the moment. This was also brought home to me this morning when I weighed myself - I was two pounds less than yesterday and three pounds less than the day before! I know I bought into this to lose weight, but there are sensible ways to do it, and silly ways......

So, what goodies have I got planned for this evening? Well, I will be attempting to finish off the fish soup I made last night and once again attempting a yoghurt or fromage frais. I may also try a strawberry shake - however, I won't stick it in the blender, I'll just mix it by hand so it has fewer bubbles in - bubbles make the indigestion pain etc worse.

I must confess that when I was thinking about whether or not to have a gastric band, I read some horror stories about people vomiting, not being able to eat, getting 'iron fist' pain and so on - and I thought - I'll be careful and that won't happen to me.......Mmmmm, little did I know then......!

Colourful food and other stories

Here's what I took to work with me this morning! Starting from the left, the pink stuff is a high protein strawberry shake. Next to it is a smoothie I made with strawberries and nectarine, together with some fresh orange juice for 'breakfast'. Further to the right is some 'green' homemade soup consisting of cauliflower, sprouts, spinach and butternut squash. There's also a low fat hot chocolate and some sugar-free summer fruits cordial. Although I intended consuming all of this, in practice, it didn't work out this way: I didn't quite finish the shake (explanation below), the smoothie was horrible so I left it (!), I didn't drink the hot chocolate or the cordial.

So why? Well, I have been really struggling to get anything down today. After taking about an hour to drink the shake this morning my mouth started to fill up with saliva! I did what most of us would have done - I simply swallowed it - but it just filled up again! In the end I had to rush down to the toilets to spit it out. Since I have been home this evening this has happened twice more. I spent about five minutes solid leaning over the kitchen sink simply letting saliva pour out of my mouth. How weird - it wasn't vomiting - there were no stomach contractions or anything, it just kept pouring out! I have also been suffering quite a lot with indigestion-like feelings in the back of my throat and upper oesophagus. It's actually been quite an unpleasant day and there seems to be no clear pattern to it. I still feel, as yesterday, that it's more difficult to get down 'thin' drinks like water, tea, LemSip (I have a cold and cough!) and Ribena. After my first episode of saliva-pouring I took courage and ate a bowl of freshly-made fish soup. The soup was quite thick (and lovely) - and by going very slowly I ate it all. It went down much easier than thinner drinks. Later, I tried a low-fat fromage frais (I ate one last night without any problem) and it brought on another episode of saliva-pouring!

Some people on the UKGastricBand forum suggested that these experiences are not that uncommon after a fill and that after a week or two my stomach should settle down. I will try to progress onto purees on Sunday morning (that will be three days) and see what happens, but to be honest, I'm far from optimistic. If I cannot get down any purees by the middle of next week I will contact the nurse and see what she advises.

Fill number three

I travelled to the Healthier Weight clinic in Birmingham today for my third band adjustment ('fill'). I already had 6.5ml of saline in my band and a further 1ml was added, making a grand total of 7.5ml in a 10ml band. There's not much to report about the procedure itself - it's all over very quickly and is painless. Although I was able to eat solids for breakfast this morning, I have been on fluids since. I will have to stay on fluids for three days and then switch to purees for a further three days. So far I have had a couple of soups, a smoothie, a yoghurt and drinks. I've noticed that quite a lot of the time while eating/drinking I get a sensation in my upper oesophagus/throat that is a cross between acid reflux and indigestion. It's only mild but nevertheless not particularly pleasant. I have also noticed that it is worse with thin drinks like tea, water and Diet Coke (yes, I tried some but the fizz was too much!). Thicker soups and smoothies don't produce this sensation as much. I am not sure at this early stage what this all means. Is the band now too tight? Possibly, but it will be nearly a week before I eat any solids and find out.

Gastric banding: The 'quick fix'

You may be aware that there has been some stuff in the news over the last couple of days about gastric surgery. This is because figures have come out that showed a 40% increase in the number of people getting gastric surgery via the NHS (over the last year, I think). As a result, some of the popular TV and radio channels have been running stories on gastric surgery.

Last night I was driving home from work and listening to the Radio Five Live 'Drive' show. There was a phone-in and the presenter was provocatively asking a caller why obese people should even consider the 'drastic' solution of gastric surgery. She said; "instead of going for the 'quick fix', why don't they [obese people] just adopt a healthy eating lifestyle and get some exercise?" Well, I have to confess that there was almost a pile-up on the M62 at that point because I nearly choked on my own saliva! Quick fix?! Gastric banding is many things, but quick fix it most definitely is NOT!

Unperturbed, and finding myself on a long journey to Birmingham today (more about that in a separate post), I tuned into the radio again. I got bored with listening to people banging on about the financial woes of the world and switched to Radio 2. And waddya know? They were just about to start a phone-in on the topic of gastric surgery.....! The presenter, Jeremy Vine, was asking people to phone in on the question of whether the NHS should 'foot the bill' for all these obese people to have surgery. He suggested that perhaps gastric surgery should be regarded as a cosmetic procedure and patients should pay for it themselves. This provoked some strong opinions in both directions, including from the infamous Ann Widdecombe MP, who argued that the limited budget of the NHS should not be stretched to paying for gastric surgery. Her argument was, that whereas a person who is, say, going blind, cannot do anything about their condition - an obese person can do something about theirs. Therefore, conditions that individuals have no control over should always come higher up the priority list than obesity.

I see the logic in this argument. However, Ann Widdecombe and her trusty band of followers are missing several crucial points, most of which were raised by subsequent callers. First, the cost of gastric surgery (about £7-8000 paid for privately) is a drop in the ocean compared with the costs of treating people in older age for obesity-related illness (e.g. chronic heart failre, diabetes, mobility problems etc). If the NHS spends a little now - on appropriate obese people - it will certainly save in the long run. Second, there is an implicit assumption that people who are obese are greedy, lazy, inactive gluttons - and they should jolly well get up off their fat a***s, do some exercise and just stop putting things in their mouths! Do these 'thin' people really think that we like being fat? Do they not think we have tried all sorts of remedies - and failed? Do they not know that many obese people have psychological, emotional and physical problems that are the root cause of their obesity? It's a bit like saying to an alcoholic, "just stop drinking" - oh if only it were that simple!!! We are not all blessed with acres of willpower - or even common sense!

The third thing is this. Where do you stop? Ann Widdecombe was essentially saying that any illness or medical condition that we can conceivably be thought to have brought upon ourselves should not be supported by the NHS. So, does this mean the NHS will stop treating smokers? Or alchoholics? Or rock-climbers (my own brother nearly killed himself in a fall off a mountain a few years ago and had to be rescued by air ambulance - so I know all about this!). What about peple who wear stilletos and have to have bunions treated?! What about dental treatment - how about we ALL pay for the full cost since we are probably responsible for tooth decay because we eat too many sweets or don't clean our teeth properly! What about people who get bowel cancer - perhaps their diet earlier in life contributed to them geting it? This all sounds a bit bizarre, but I hope you get the point - as soon as the blame culture becomes central to when or how we provide medical treatment, there is no sensible end in sight - where do you stop? Personally, I believe the NHS should exist to provide the full range of treatments for all - including gastric surgery for serious cases. It has to manage its limited budget in the best way it can, but this should not be by artificially excluding people who are regarded as somehow being to 'blame' for their condition.

I can make you thin: Part two

So, where were we? I was discussing Paul McKenna's (PM) book, "I Can Make You Thin", and in particular, his four 'rules'. I thought it might be useful to say something about each one, and in particular, how they relate to rules for bandits.

PMs first rule is "When you are hungry, EAT". On the face of it, this seems obvious. However, many of us have been deeply ingrained with diet 'rules' that say: only eat 'x' meals per day, no snacking, if you're hungry have a drink - and that sort of thing. The result is that we have come to associate weight loss with unpleasant hunger. PM argues that hunger isn't actually necessary - we just need to be more tuned in to our 'I'm full' signals. Instead of eating when we think we ought to, we should eat when we actually feel hunger (and, as rule 4 says, then stop when we are full). I watched a TV programme last night, Horizon, that was all about our natural body clock and how it is there to protect us, feed us and give us rest. The programme makers presented the general thesis that our body clock knows better than us - and this is as true of eating as it is of many other bodily functions and activities.

However, what I like about this rule is what it doesn't say. The corollary to eating only when you are hungry, is "don't eat when you are not hungry". This probably sounds very obvious to many people - why would you want to eat if you're not hungry? I suspect most non-fatties just wouldn't get it! But for those of us who are emotional and habitual eaters, refraining from eating when not hungry is easier said than done. Take this example of what I used to do: I'd eat a very light breakfast before setting off for work. By noon I was ravenous. As a result, at lunchtime in the staff canteen, I'd pile far more on my plate than I actually needed. I would frequently return to my office after lunch absolutely stuffed! By about 5 or 6pm in the afternoon, I'd start to feel peckish again and would either raid the chocolate machine or stop off at a petrol station on the way home. Most people in that situation would have bought one bar of chocolate or something to satisfy their hunger, but not me. I used to buy a couple of chocolate bars, a packet of crisps and often a cake or sandwich as well. Of course, after eating the first bar of chocolate I would have easily satisfied my hunger pangs - but having bought all that food I felt some warped obligation to eat it (probably the same warped obligation that still sees me struggling to leave any food on my plate!)! I'd arrive home about 7pm-ish, again, stuffed full. However, it was dinner time, so I'd have to cook, and I'd have to eat, out of habit or duty or to fit in with some sort of normality - I don't know. But even though I was full to bursting, I would still cook and eat my dinner.

This is a perfect example of what PM means by this rule. It's a two-way thing: Don't go hungry following some diet rules - if you are hungry eat something. However, on the other hand, don't eat out of habit or expectation - only eat if you actually are hungry. How does this rule relate to bandit rules? Well, if you have really good restriction, then in theory, at least, it should be possible to eat just three small meals a day without experiencing hunger. However, if you are like me, and still getting band adjustments, I experience hunger on a regular basis. This is because I am trying to stick to the band eating rules while not yet having the benefit of proper restriction.

The PM second rule is "EAT WHAT YOU WANT, not what you think you should". This one is quite simple - PM is totally against diets and doesn't think they work (neither do I, having been on a few). One of the reasons diets fail is because when people are on a diet they tend to eat different things than they would when off it - the diet, therefore, does not prepare you for 'normal', non-diet life. Weight loss is only likely to be maintained if we can lose weight by adopting habits that can be maintained for life. If we think we can go on, for the rest of our lives, existing off 800 calories a day on low fat yoghurts ansd the like, then fine, but most of us cannot! PM has a bit of a 'pop' at healthy food. Personally, I enjoy healthy food, fruit and vegetables, pulses, lentils, and fish (I am after all, a fish-eating vegetarian - so if I didn't like these things I'd be in trouble!). My provider sets out a fairly constrained list of different types of foods that I should be eating. This is for two reasons, one to ensure I get a good nutritional balance, and two, to eat food of the right textures (to avoid 'slider' foods and the like). That said, my provider specifically says that while the band is ineffective with foods such as chocolate and ice cream, they are not saying we should never eat these - only that we should eat them in moderation. In that respect I think there's a lot of commonality between band rules and PMs rules.

The third PM rule is "Eat CONSCIOUSLY and enjoy every mouthful". This totally complies with one of the most important behaviours for bandits to adopt - eating slowly, chewing everything carefully, and not eating while watching TV etc! As well as encouraging us to be more conscious of what and how much we are eating, to learn to enjoy food rather than wolfing it down in a rush, this rule also creates more time for our brains to work out that our stomach's are full!

The final PM rule is "When you think you are full, STOP eating". I've probably covered this in the discussion of rule number one, but basically, it is about being more conscious of when we are full, when we are hungry etc. PM provides a really useful 'Hunger Scale', which goes from physically faint (due to hunger) to nauseous (due to over-eating). This is quite a useful tool to encourage us to think more clearly about exactly how hungry or full we are - something I know I have never really done before now - but I'm starting to be more aware with every day that passes. It actually gives me quite a lot of pleasure getting to the point of feeling just a little hungry - because then when I eat I know I am eating at the right time and for the right reason.

Whoooosh! Sorry if that was a bit rambling but PMs book provoked so many thoughts they all kind of came out of my head in a rush! Hopefully it makes some sense!

I can make you thin......

This is the rather catchy title of a book by the well-known hypnotist, Paul McKenna. I haven't yet decided whether I have invested my money wisely, or been 'done', but I bought a copy from WHSmiths while out clothes shopping at the weekend. If what I wanted was a good read, then I've had my moneys-worth already - I've finished it, from cover to cover! I have also listened to the 30-minute CD recording that comes with the book. It's not a thick book and is written in a nice, easy flowing style that comes across as very human, and very 'knowing'. It's as though he knows, understands, what makes fat people tick. He knows all our tricks too, and excuses for not committing to weight loss.... But the good news is, he is totally against diets. In fact he argues "if you continue to diet, you will gain weight and keep it on for life" (p123). McKenna claims to offer The Simplest Weight-Loss System in the World (TM). The book contains a number of 'mind-reprogramming' exercises that largely involve thinking through situations and using our imagination to invoke positive thoughts about ourselves, our bodies, our eating and exercise habits. I don't know whether this actually does re-programme your mind, but it does no harm to spend a little time thinking positive thoughts anyway.

The book explores the three different patterns of eating; (i) obsessive dieting, (ii) emotional eating, and (iii) faulty programming (self-blame) and invites the reader to identify with one of these. I am definitely an emotional eater. Simply recognising this and identifying with his description of an emotional eater has already helped me. Awareness is always the first step in self-analysis and improvement.

The best bit about the book, and the bit that is most compatible with those who have a band, is the 'system'. The System involves sticking to four rules - there is even a card in the back of the book to stick in your wallet so you are constantly reminded of the rules. The rules are:

1. When you are hungry, EAT.

2. EAT WHAT YOU WANT, not what you think you should.

3. Eat CONSCIOUSLY and enjoy every mouthful.

4. When you think you are full, STOP eating.

I'll say more about these rules tomorrow because I think they are worth exploring in more depth - and comparing with the 'rules' for bandits. Until then........

Shopping for clothes

As I promised, I went shopping yesterday, mainly to get some new knickers. But, I thought, while I'm out I may as well see what other goodies there are for me in the shops! I started off in Marks and Spencers and BHS, in the underwear sections. I was not surprised to find that as a size 20 now, I still don't get a lot of choice. There were row upon row of size 8 through to 16, then a smattering of 18s and about three 20s! Still, I managed to find some I liked and bought them. I then turned my attention to trousers. Those I have been wearing recently are all getting ridiculously large, to the point where I can easily take most of them off without undoing buttons or zips. An amazing thing happened – I picked a pair off the rack, size, 20, and tried them on – they fit!! OK, so this may not sound very amazing, but believe me, this hasn't happened for many years! Usually, I have to set aside a whole day just to buy one pair of trousers. I have to search high and low before I even find any the right size, and then try on at least a dozen pairs before I find a pair that fit. And do you know what has been the most disheartening thing about buying trousers in the past? I almost always end up buying a pair that actually, I don't like, but I have no choice – I just have to buy what fits no matter what the style or colour or price tag. In the last couple of years I have had to resort to buying men's trousers which is the most dispiriting thing ever. Yesterday was different, the pair I picked off the rack was a pair that I liked the look of – and they did actually fit!

I bought a second pair of trousers – jeans - after trying a few more pairs of trousers. I discovered that I am definitely a size 20 at the moment – which is a drop of two sizes – I had previously been a large 24. The amazing thing about this buy was that I got them from Dorothy Perkins. I'm not really sure why I even went in there – I didn't really expect to actually be able to find anything big enough to fit me. In reality, they had quite a good selection of size 20 clothes. So there you go, another first, a Dorothy Perkins buy!

After the trousers, I turned my attention to T-shirts. I wear them a lot for work. Currently I have three or four favourite T-shirts that I wear all the time. The problem is, they are all starting to hang on me and look a little like mini-dresses! I looked around the shops - in the women's section, of course, - but found nothing that I liked. I have to confess at this point that I am, and always have been, something of a tomboy – so frilly, lacy, 'pretty' things don't attract me or suit me. I found what I wanted in the men's section at BHS and bought two T-shirts that fit me just right!

So all in all, I ended up with five pairs of knickers, two pairs of trousers and two T-shirts – a successful shopping spree by all accounts! I also came back suitably buoyed knowing that I have dropped two 'dress' sizes in women's clothes and moved from large to medium in men's!

It'a grand day

Today, the number of visitors to this blog has topped a thousand for the first time ( a 'grand' – get it?)! I decided to start a blog on the same day I began my pre-op diet on 9th November 2008. I spent some of that day setting it up and then posted my first entry the day after. Since that time (at the time of posting today), 1,012 people have accessed the blog which is fantastic. I have thoroughly enjoyed blogging. Yes, it has helped me 'get a few things off my chest', but has also helped clarify a few things, reflect on experiences and analyse my own thoughts. I have never been one for keeping a diary so am truly delighted that I now have this complete reccord of everything that has happened since becoming a bandit on 15th November 2008.

I don't know very much about the people, you, that read the blog, except for a few who have posted comments or mentioned the blog on the UKGastricBand forum. I truly hope that you get something from it – I guess that sometimes it may be amusing, other times informative and at other times perhaps you are just encouraged by knowing that someone else is experiencing the same as you! I don't know, but whatever you gain from it, I hope that our relationship will continue for many moons to come!

Thanks for reading and all the best, wherever you are and whatever you weigh!

Evans above

I'm off to the shops tomorrow morning to buy some new underwear - knickers, in particular (see earlier post on Underwear). Currently putting on my knickers in the morning brings recollections of hoisting up the sails on a sea-going dinghy! Although they fashionably reach high above the top of my trousers, they're a bit old and faded so they don't even look nice.

While I'm out I might even see what other goodies are available in the shops for me - I am actually wearing a size 20 pair of trousers for the first time in many years. Previously I have just about managed to squeeze into a 24. I've always been slightly smaller in size on the top (about 22 - now possibly 18-20). This means that some of the 'normal' shops (e.g. Marks and Spencer, BHS) actually become accessible to me now for the first time. For years I've had to suffer the indignity of shopping in Evans. For anyone unfamiliar with its gaudy, crude patternwear, Evans is where fat people go to buy clothes in England.

What is it about clothes designers that makes them imagine that people who are overweight somewhere along the way mislay the brain cells that enable sophistication, subtlety and refinement? They imagine overweight people to have developed a particular taste in the most horrific colour and pattern combinations known to Man. Patterns that would be more at home on the feathers of a peacock or the greater spotted pattern-snake?!

Anyhow, I guess you might detect that I am not a great fan of Evans. That said, in my desperate and unsuccessful searching, Evans has become the last resort of my clothes shopping over these past few years.

BUT NOT ANYMORE!

No more will I enter the doors to this primary colour and polyester paradise! From now on I will seek my fortune elsewhere!!

Birmingham beckons

Since yesterday’s mini-binge I haven eaten other ‘solid’ foods (e.g. crispy yellow peppers and cucumber, apple, pear, crispbreads) that have convinced me I have no restriction and that there’s been absolutely no change that I can detect since my first fill. I phoned up first thing this morning and got an appointment for my third fill at HWs Birmingham clinic on Thursday next week. That will actually be only 12 days since my second fill (they always say it has to be two weeks) but I don’t think they noticed - and I’m not going to tell them!

A naff day

It seems every time I get a fill I get the blues..... I ate OK until I got home from work. But then, feeling despondent because there is no sign of restriction after my second fill, I ate a piece of fresh baguette with margarine - to test the band. It went down a treat, no problem at all. This kind of made me feel more despondent so I then pigged some peanuts (again, no problem) and then some M+Ms with peanut centres - which I don't even like but they've got chocolate round them so who cares! Now I feel rather stuffed because I've eaten loads compared to what I normally do, and so I feel even more naff! Ah well, no-one said this was going to be easy.

Tomorrow morning first thing, I'm going to phone my provider and book another fill appointment straight away. I have already decided that if I have to travel to Birmingham to get a fill a week or two earlier, then I will. I'm getting impatient! Apart from anything else, so far, all I have to show for my £8k is a guide book on healthy eating! Yes, I know I've lost loads of weight and my clothes are too big, my health has improved and all that, but the band, which is what I paid all that money for, still isn't doing its job!

End of rant.

Post-fill update

A couple of days ago I was wondering what, actually, is the reason behind having to go on fluids-only for three days and purees-only for another three days every time we have a fill? I asked this question on one of the forums and it seems that the main thing is to allow a little time – actually about 24 hours is sufficient – for the new fluid in the band to ‘settle’. It also allows a bit of time for any inflammation to settle down, though if the band adjustment goes very normally, as mine did, then inflammation isn’t very likely. Judging from other bandits, it would seem that while the advice given by most providers is to stay on fluids and purees for a total of six days, most actually move onto solids within 24 to 48 hours. Some people even said that while the three to six days thing was the official line, their dietician actually said they could go back to full solids after just 24 hours.

I guess the decision as to how quickly we go back to solids is a judgment call for us to make. Personally, I had absolutely no difficulty in swallowing fluids the same evening as I had my fill and even started on thicker soups the next day. By today, three days after my fill, I have managed porridge, creamed rice, a spicy vegetable dahl, scrambled egg, mashed potato and various types of soup – all without incident (but not all at the same time!!!). Because these are all ‘slider’ foods I cannot judge whether I have any increased restriction or not – but there is certainly no overt sign of it at the moment.

As a result, and since everything has gone well to date, tonight I am moving onto ‘soft solids’. For dinner I’m going to have soft boiled potatoes and vegetables with steamed salmon. If this goes down without any problem then tomorrow I will be on medium solids (eg the texture of normal boiled vegetables, All-Bran for breakfast – that kind of thing). If that all goes down OK then tomorrow evening or the next day I will move onto the harder, ‘more difficult, solids (eg raw fruit, salad and vegetables, crispbreads, and I might even try some bread and/or nuts).

This afternoon I have been sorely tempted to go and binge on some chocolate. It’s been a tiring couple of days at work and I seem to have encountered a higher number of incompetent staff than usual! Wouldn’t it be fantastic if someone could invent a sugar-free chewing gum or Polo or something, that would have the same soothing effect on stressed out minds as chocolate does! So far I have held on to my diet – this was helped by a colleague who I bumped into in the corridor just now. I haven’t seen her for a few weeks and she made such a fuss about how good I look! I explained that I was on the verge of a chocolate binge but she tried to persuade me to eat fruit instead. The funny thing is, while I am still on slider foods, I can’t actually eat that lovely juicy apple I have in my desk drawer! It’s time will come.

10,000 steps......

Apparently, that's what I should be aiming to achieve on a daily basis (or at least, averaged out over the week). I have my pedometer and according to that, I average out at about 7,000 a day. I would say that most weekdays I walk about 3,000 steps during the day while at work, then do another 3-5,000 in the evening when I get home. At the weekend I do a little more, aiming for at least 8-9,000 on Saturday and Sunday. Weekends can be quite a lot more than that if we manage to get out for a 'proper' walk in the hills somewhere.

Most of my mid-week walking is done around the local parks and streets (the latter if it's dark). At the weekend we try get a little further afield, but at least as far as Carr Mill Dam, our local haunt - it's a large area of farmland, a big reservoir and lots of woodland off the East Lancs Road near St Helens.

However, for all this sounds good, I am really struggling to reach that magical figure of 10,000 a day. At the HW support group last weekend, a number of ideas were put forward about how we can incorporate extra walking into our daily routines without making a big deal about it. Here are some of the ideas suggested:

1. Walk during lunch break. For example, if I walk to the local shop and buy a bottle of water, it amounts to an extra 1000 steps in a day.
2. Use the stairs rather than the lift. I have been doing this, despite working on the fourth floor, and I have set myself a starting target of taking the stairs at least once per day.
3. Plan a walking meeting. This is a nice idea in principle but requires the cooperation of the other party(ies). I also have a hearing impairment and find it difficult enough following conversation when walking along with someone - so this is probably not a realistic option for me.
4. Park further away. Although I still park in the work car park, I park as far away from the building as I can. Walking further to my office each day adds about 800 steps.
5. Use the toilet furthest away from the office! I'm actually moving to a different office in a few days (in the same building) and this will locate me closer to a new toilet. However, I have decided that I am going to continue to use the toilet I always have - this will add an extra 200 steps every time I 'go'!
6. Go for an evening walk. I already do this several times a week but it's not always easy. Obviously sometimes the weather is not conducive; sometimes I just don't feel like it after a hard days work; and sometimes I get home late and it is just not realistic to then go for a walk. I guess evening walks will become more attractive as the summer nears.
7. Walk during the TV ads. If I walked (or stepped on my mini-stepper) for three minutes during each ad break in a one hour TV programme, I could potentially add an extra 3000 steps to my daily count.

Here are a couple of facts you might also find useful, I did:

• Walking on the flat burns about 0.06 calories per step (60 per 1000).
• Walking up stairs (or a steep hill) burns about 0.3 calories per step.

I am definitely going to try some of the ideas that I don't already do and see if I can get my daily average up to 10,000 steps over the next two or three weeks.

Four compliments in a day

I had a hair cut and coloured my hair at the weekend and today I got no less than four compliments from work colleagues referring to my weight loss! How weird is that? It's as though by changing my hair they can see more clearly that I've lost weight? My office mate commented that I'd lost weight (for him, this was a serious outpouring of emotion and affection - you know the type!). Another (also male) said that I looked really 'well', and really 'smart' (and was I going for an interview or something?!). A third (the only female) posted a message on my Facebook page saying that they'd seen me today and how great I looked. Finally, another male colleague was chatting to me about something else and hesitated as he turned to go. He turned back to me and said thoughtfully, "you're looking thinner!". Wow! I still cannot get over four comments in one day - I'm grinning like a Cheshire cat!

Underwear!

I thought I'd air my experiences of underwear in public!

Knickers! They're getting too big. On the plus side though, I'm obviously getting more fashionable because they are now protruding above the line of my trousers!!! I think my knickers were the largest I could buy from M+S - size 22-24. Bridget Jones eat yer' heart out! However, I kept some of my old knickers which are size 20 and these now fit really nicely. Problem is, I only have a couple of pairs of these so I'll have to go hunting for some more soon. I heard a lady, a fellow bandit, saying the other day that her pre-weight loss knickers are the size of those 'joke' knickers that you can buy for people at Christmas (you know the ones, with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or Father Christmas painted on in a strategic place!).

Bras! I thought I'd have to give these ones up because they were starting to hand off me. Then I remembered that you can adjust both the clips at the back as well as the straps! I know that sounds obvious, but I have NEVER had to reduce the size of a bra before so had forgotten that you could. Every bra I have ever owned has always been set to maximum chest circumference and strap length by default! The only thing is, it is clear that the cups are also getting a little on the large size - something that hasn't gone unnoticed by my husband - he said he's going to "ask for his money back"!

Socks! OK, not the most glamorous of underwear items but worth a mention. All I really wanted to say was that a lady at the support group last weekend reported that since losing loads of weight, her shoe size has dropped from a size 5 to a size 3! Imagine that, losing weight can reduce your foot size - ha ha! The only thing is, this could work out quite expensive - it's bad enough having to buy new clothes, without adding new shoes to the list as well! I cannot honestly say I have noticed any change in my feet as a result of losing weight - but watch this space!

Second band fill

I had my second band adjustment (‘fill’) yesterday. As you’ll know, if you’ve been reading my posts, I have been looking forward to it. It went well – the procedure itself was all rather innocuous really. I waited in a very quiet waiting room (it was a Sunday afternoon!) for a few minutes and was then called in to see the bariatric nurse, Claire. It was nice to see her again because I haven’t really spoken to her since a couple of weeks after surgery. First she asked some questions about how I am doing – in terms of eating and exercise. I then got weighed and have lost another seven pounds since I saw the Dr for my first fill four weeks ago. I then had to lie down on the bed. I asked Claire if the port was in the same place for different people. She said that Dr Favretti, who performed my surgery, usually puts the port a little to the right and below the main scar, but other surgeons often put them in slightly different places. I also asked if it was easy for her to find the port. She said that usually it was, but that sometimes it was a bit more tricky – I hoped that mine wouldn’t be!

In fact, she seemed to have no problem finding my port at all. She pressed down on it. I felt this – it wasn’t painful just very slightly uncomfortable. She then put the needle in. I can honestly say that this part is really not painful – it’s much less uncomfortable than when I’ve had to give blood and certainly a lot less painful than getting an injection at the dentist! Anyway, I hardly knew anything had happened when she announced that she’d finished. I have had an additional 1.5ml of saline added to my band making 6.5ml in total now (out of a possible 10ml). Claire said that 1.5ml was about the maximum that she would put in at any one time (apart from the first fill).

I then had to drink a glass of water – which went down very easily – and that was that, I set off home. I now have to eat fluids only for three days followed by pureed foods for three days – then back on solids. I’ve had some soup and a shake so far and not had any problems getting anything down.

A better day today

Things have got back to normal today (I did eat the take-away last night and even followed it up with a low fat creamed rice!). I got up about 9am, went for a 50-minute walk, then ate breakfast (All Bran and orange juice), had a shower, and went off to the Healthier Weight Support Group for 1pm. I ate an Alpen Light cereal bar (only 59 calories) on the way back. I had a late lunch of salad, crispbread and cottage cheese and then went shopping. This evening, I ate a side plate of salmon, potatoes and mixed vegetables (green beans, leeks, mushrooms and spinach). I've just eaten a low fat yoghurt and am quite full now.

I'm still feeling a little low, partly because I'm disappointed in what happened yesterday. Having said that, at the support group this morning, several people talked about how they had similar 'bad' days from time to time. One lady said she sometimes got a 'worm' in her head and seemed completely unable to stop herself from doing things that she just knew were doing her harm (i.e. binging on chocolate, eating too big portions etc). This is pretty much what happened to me yesterday. The dietitian encouraged us all by reminding us that one bad day does not equal a disaster. Obviously, if every day were a bad day then there would be a more serious problem, but we should not give up or think of ourselves as failures after an occasional or one-off slip.

Something else that struck me following discussions this morning, is that physical activity has the effect on me, of making me feel good, positive, and hungering for healthy food. The corollary to this, is that an absence of physical activity makes me feel low, bad about myself, and hankering for sweet and fatty foods, everything that's bad for me. So, the moral of the tale is, I need to keep putting the physical activity first, and the rest should follow.

Been on a chocolate binge........

Not a good day. It started out at breakfast time when I inadvertently knocked the milk over. It spread across my desk at work as I was about to set about my morning All-Bran. After clearing up and drying everything off, I realised I didn't have enough milk left to actually have my breakfast. So, I went out and bought a lemon muffin! At lunch time, I ate my normal food - I had a small version of what I ate for dinner last night (potato, sprouts and prawns).

But then it all seemed to go wrong. I came over all 'weak' mid-afternoon and went to the chocolate machine and bought a small bag of mini chocolate Hob Nobs. Once I'd eaten them, I felt I needed more and went back and got a bar of Galaxy chocolate and some Maltesers. Just before I left work to come home I raided the machine again and got a packet of crisps and a Twirl. Now I'm at home, I feel pretty naff, like I've failed. I keep trying to remind myself that it's not a disaster; one bad day isn't going to put me back at 20 stone. But on the other hand, I wish I could understand what drives me to these illogical binges. Thinking about the past couple of days, here's what I think may have contributed:

1. It's 'that' time of month - this always makes me feel a bit 'down' and desperate for chocolate.....
2. The last two days at work have been exceptionally dull, tedious and frustrating - I always have a tendency to eat more when I'm bored
3. I didn't have the energy to do any exercise (stepping or walking) when I got home from work yesterday - the first day I've been inactive for some time (plus today....) - lack of activity always makes me feel miserable (see yesterday's post)
4. The muffin, which was sort of necessary (given my milk accident) stirred the sweet/fat gene in my head and got me hankering for more sweet and fatty food

Given the above, I guess there are some things I can do to try and reduce the chances of me falling into binge-mode again:

1. There's not much I can do about it being that time of month, except be aware of my extra need for bad food at this time and try to counteract it. For example, next time, I could take some extra food to work with me, but make sure it is good, healthy food.
2. Avoid getting bored! If work is boring at times, switch from dull activities to more interesting things for limited periods of time to raise my spirits.
3. Get exercise more clearly fixed into my daily routine so that I don't have to plan it or find extra motivation to do it - I just do it, like cleaning my teeth every night before I go to bed!
4. Avoid muffins! In the event of being stuck without food, buy something that isn't likely to get my sweet/fatty juices going (today, I could have gone to a different shop and bought some prepared salad or mixed fruit, for example).

Having said all that, which might make me sound rather saintly (!), I am going to eat a take-away tonight! We always used to eat one every Friday night but I have only had one in the last three months so this will be a one-off treat that marks the end of my 24 hour binge. I am also having my second fill on Sunday which I am hoping will start to give me some serious restriction at last. That being the case, it is likely to be the last opportunity I have to eat a take-away for a long time to come. I'll keep you posted.

Obesity has led to low self-confidence

I watched a bit of Supersize versus Superskinny that was on TV last night. The main thing that struck me was how much the overweight man lacked self-confidence. He weighed about 28 stone and seemed to be a really nice man. However, he said he hadn't had a girlfriend and this contributed to a general lack of confidence in himself.

The programme caused me to reflect a little on how my own self-confidence has suffered over the years due to my obesity. I've found that it has gradually declined more and more to the point where last year I basically went out of my way to avoid interacting with people at all. For many years I have worn baggy clothes to 'hide' my figure. I also avoid social events, generally, and keep myself to myself - outside of work hours.

Having said that, I expect most people who know me would be surprised to hear me express feelings of low self-esteem and lack of self confidence. At work, among acquaintances and when meeting new people (and even family), I think I give off an air of confidence. This is an outward expression only - inside I am usually itching to get away from people and hide. As part of my job I sometimes have to go to conferences to give presentations and 'network'. I absolutely hate doing this - hate it with a vengeance! I find it particularly difficult when I'm put in a position of feeling exposed (e.g. if several people are looking at me or listening).

Anyway, I'd like to finish this post on a positive note. I have definitely noticed something of a spring in my step in the past few weeks. I feel quite positive about myself and this feeling is notably enhanced when I find another item of clothing in my wardrobe that now fits me! I think the main differences are because (i) being able to wear slightly more 'normal' clothes gives me a boot, and (ii) I am physically much fitter than I was - I can now walk up the eight flights of stairs to my office without gasping for air and I'm walking about much faster than before.

So, here's to increasing confidence. I hope you all share in similar successes. The link above goes to a YouTube video of a lady speaking about how her own self-esteem has increased since undergoing weight loss surgery.

Stuffed!

I've just finished eating my dinner and I'm stuffed! I ate boiled potatoes, mixed steamed veg (butternut squash, leeks, spinach and mushroom) and some soya-based veggie mince. The total calorific value was about 280 and it fit, as per usual, on a 7-inch side plate. So, as far as I am concerned, this was a very normal meal. I hadn't had anything else to eat or drink for a while before so was quite hungry and ready to eat when I finally had it all cooked and ready.

And yet, having eaten it all, I feel absolutely stuffed. This is particularly disappointing because I had also prepared some chopped strawberries and grapes to eat for dessert! At the moment, I will have to leave them and eat them tomorrow instead (perhaps for breakfast!). I'm somewhat confused as to why I should suddenly be so full after eating a normal sized meal and not having felt any restriction prior to today. I guess I just have to accept, as many other bandits have, that the band has a mind of its own and is rather unpredictable.

Planning to eat more

I've decided that I need to eat a little more. I've been getting hungry during the day, particularly mid to late afternoon. I'm eating about 900-950 calories a day at the moment but I'm actually allowed 1000-1200. So, I'm going to do two things:

1. Eat additional healthy snacks. Today, for instance, I ate an apple at about 4pm and after having a walk when I got home from work I ate a low fat fromage frais (about 6.15pm).

2. Eat a more filling lunch. Today, instead of my usual crispbreads with cottage cheese, tuna and salad, I ate the same as I had for dinner last night. Basically, my husband wrote out a reminder for me on a piece of card and stuck it on the kitchen wall. It says "prepare two dinners"! So, while cooking dinner last night, I prepared an extra portion of everything for today's lunch. This serves three purposes, (i) it provides a more protein-rich and filling lunch, (ii) it provides more variety for my lunch - I've been getting very bored with having the same thing every day, and (iii) it saves me having to prepare a completely separate lunch!

I think the other thing I need to do is be more disciplined about ensuring I drink enough fluid - I have found that I am more likely to get hungry if I'm thirsty.

Ultimately, I am hoping that my second fill on Sunday will do the trick and fill me up much more after my small meals. That way I won't have to worry about getting hungry at all!

Incidentally, I am two pounds lighter than I was when I got back from our skiing holiday on Saturday, which is great news. On the down side (I think), my knickers are getting too big!!!! I'm also having to do my bra up on the tighter setting (never used before!). I mentioned this to my husband yesterday and he said he was going to ask for a refund.....!!

Hungry

After having eaten fairly normally for a week while on holiday, I have now been back on my 1000 calories a day for less than two days - and I'm hungry! I'm also feeling a little despondent because I am sooooo desperate for my next fill (only six days to go). I've paid £8k for a band but I'm still having to do all the work. I signed up fto put in 70% of the effort - not 100%! I cannot wait to find my 'sweet spot' (when you have exactly the right amount of restriction), because then I will be able to relax a little; instead of counting calories and worrying over every little thing I eat, I think that I'll be able to simply rely much more on whether I'm feeling full or not.

But until then, as I say, I'm feeling a tad fed up. This might be partly down to the post-holiday blues, but anyhow, I've just eaten two squares of chocolate! Fortunately, they mark the end of a large bar that has been sitting in a cupboard for ages, so at least I won't be able to eat any more - because there isn't any! I am a little disappointed in myself for giving in so easily, but at the same time, I know the two little squares only amounted to about 70 calories - so not a disaster by any means. It does, however, reinforce my belief, that despite outward appearances, I am still (and perhaps will forever be) a foodaholic (or perhaps more correctly a chocaholic...?). So, just as an alcoholic can get 'off the drink', recover their health and get back to a normal life, so can a foody. But in the same way as the demon drink is always there as a temptation and potential downfall to a recovering alcoholic, so is the 'bad' food always there for the foody. I guess the fact that they always talk about 'recovering alcoholics' rather than ex-alcoholics' says it all. I guess I'll always be a confirmed foody.

WHICH IS WHY I NEED MY FILL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!

Right, I'm off to do some stepping to get rid of those two squares.......

Back from skiing, back to 'diet'....

Hi blog-readers. I'm back, and eager to catch up with news of recent exploits and experiences. I hope all is well with you, wherever you are and whatever you weigh!

We got back from our skiing holiday yesterday. We had a great time under the circumstances...... the weather was pretty awful (although the snow was fantastic), but worse than that, my darling husband has had shingles all week and has been quite poorly! Despite that, we still managed to ski, putting in at least five solid hours of skiing each day. This meant lots of calorie burning which was good news for my body (though hard work!).

The first bit of good news was that after many years of sitting in my wardrobe waiting for a new slimmer me, my salopettes finally saw the light of day! They felt a little tight when I first put them on, but I managed to get the press-studs and zip done up, so that was that. I expected them to make bending etc quite hard work, but actually they were really comfortable. If my weight loss goes as I hope it to, I am wondering whether they will still fit me next year.... in many ways I hope not!

We stayed in a small hotel on a half board arrangement. Breakfast was a cold-buffet style, with bread, jams, thinly sliced cheese, yoghurt and cereals on offer. Most days I ate one or one-and-a-half small bread rolls with butter (no margarine available) and cheese or marmalade. I also tried to eat a yoghurt most days because it was my only real source of calcium (I only drink soya milk and drink black tea and coffee). I estimate that a typical breakfast was about 500 calories (including drinks). The only notable thing to say about my breakfasts is that after consuming a relatively small amount of food (compared to what my 'old' self would have eaten) I felt really full. On the other hand, I was managing a full bowl of pasta most lunchtimes and a three-course meal in the evening....?! It took me several days to realise what was happening here. I have read about many bandits (the majority, I think) who say that their band is notably tighter in the morning – and I am now sure that's what was happening to me. This proves that even though I have relatively little restriction after just one fill, there is at least some.

We ate our lunches in mountain restaurants and bars, and most days had a bowl of pasta with some sort of sauce on. It is difficult to determine the calorie content of these lunches since some of the sauces were laden with oil, while others were just thin tomato-based sauces. However, I reckon that somewhere between 450 and 700 is about right. I make no bones about the fact that I was eating significantly more than before our ski holiday, but I was burning so many calories skiing that I felt that it was necessary.

In the evenings I ate a three course meal each night. In Italy, 'meals' are somewhat different, conceptually, than those in the UK. In Britain, a typical main course will have elements of carbohydrate (eg potato, pasta, rice etc), vegetables, and protein (eg meat, fish) on the same plate. In Italy, these appear as different courses! The first course is usually a thick soup, pasta or risotto (the carbohydrate part). The main course is mainly protein with some token vegetables (eg a few lettuce leaves or some carrots). The dessert is usually quite small – a piece of cake, some ice cream and fruit, a crème caramel. So, what I am getting at, is that the food contained in a three-course Italian meal would probably constitute just two courses of a typical British meal (perhaps that's why obesity is a growing problem in the UK!). This was making me quite full such that I wouldn't have been able to eat any more if it had been offered – I left a little food on my plate on several occasions which is a new experience for me. Again it's difficult to get an accurate calorie count for my evening meal but I reckon it was about 800-1200 per day.

Thus, my total daily calorie intake was about 2,000-2,500 per day. This is the calorie intake I need at my present weight to maintain that weight, given a moderately sedentary lifestyle. Given the amount of calories I have burned in the last week, I should have lost a little weight. In practice, I haven't – I weigh the same now as I did before I went! However, now I am back on my 1000 calories a day diet, I hope to recover some ground quite soon.

So, overall, we had a good time. I enjoyed eating normal-ish food again and learned some new things about my band: (a) there is some restriction, though clearly not enough to stop me eating small three-course meals; (b) it is tighter in the morning; (c) I probably wouldn't have known I had any restriction if I had not tried to eat larger meals than I was!

I found myself unexpectedly in tears last night because I was fearful of going back to 1000 calories a day. I've had my eating under such tight control since 9th November and it felt strangely frightening to be 'let loose' on proper food again. I'm only two-thirds of the way through today and have done quite well so far (c.250 calories each for breakfast and lunch) – fingers crossed I will be back on course now and back to losing weight.......