Changing my mind?

I don't know - yesterday I posted in a more positive vein about the success, or otherwise, of my latest fill. I'm already doubting the wisdom of my optimism! Earlier today I asked for advice from the readers of the UKGastricBand forum. I don't normally do this, but I tought I would post the same basic text here in case any of my blog readers can offer any insight and post a comment.

I need some advice on whether I need another fill or not. It's been just over a week since my NINTH fill and I've been eating solids for most of that time. I have 7.7ml in a 10ml band. My sequence of fills has been:

• Op 15th November, first fill ten weeks later.
• 5ml under x-ray, followed by 1.5ml then 1ml. This took me to 7.5ml which was too tight (slime, indigestion).
• Had de-fill of 0.5ml, then later top-ups of 0.3ml and 0.4ml - taking me to 7.7ml. That was way too tight (acid reflux, couldn't drink properly, slime, constant indigestion etc).
• Had second de-fill of 0.5ml, then later top-ups of 0.3ml and 0.2ml - taking me right back to 7.7ml which is where I am now!

I definitely have restriction - there's no way I could eat a big plate of food now like I used to. I have more restriction in the morning. I can eat absolutely anything, including the so-called 'difficult' foods (e.g. crusty bread, asparagus and pineapple, chewy fish etc) although I have to go slowly with some veggies and fruit that have skins. Having said that, I have never experienced 'iron fist' and never regurgitated, been sick or had a PB. After both of the occasions when my band was too tight, I did experience 'slime'. I keep hearing or reading about other bandits and the typical meals that they eat. I just read a magazine article that described people who could only manage one potato, a small piece of meat and some veggies. And another who said that a meal out consisted of just a starter. And another who said they couldn't manage more than 900 calories a day. A lady at a support group said she takes ten minutes to be able to drink a glass of water - it takes me about ten seconds!

Well I can still eat more than all of them. Although I generally stick to about 1200 calories a day - I have to work quite hard at this. If I ate entirely guided by my hunger I could easily manage quite a bit more than that. A typical evening meal is four baby new potatoes, half a side plate of veggies and a 'normal' sized piece of salmon. This leaves me feeling pleasantly satisified or even full - but within a couple of hours I'm getting hunger pangs again. I think they really are hunger pangs, rather than 'head hunger'.

Don't get me wrong, I am losing weight - but I feel I am having to work so hard at resisting the hunger - which is what I got the band for. I'd love to be able to relax and just eat when I'm hnugry and know that that amount would keep me losing weight.

I don't want to be so tight that I take an hour to eat an apple, say (!) - but does this level of restriction seem right to you? Am I being fussy? Do I need another fill or is this risking going through the de-fill cycle all over again?

To be too tight, or not to be?

Although a few days ago I was a little pessimistic about the success of my latest band fill, I am progressively getting more optimistic. I think the difference it has made is very small, and subtle, but I do think it may have made a vital difference. I have given a lot of thought to something a lady said on the UKGastricBand forum the other day. She was explaining to someone what the so-called 'sweet spot' was, and she said, rightly I think, that it is different things to different people. In theory, of course, it is simply the level of restriction that is not too much that you get the awful side effects of regurgitation, heartburn, indigestion and acid reflux, but tight enough that you get a feeling of fullness and lose weight steadily. However, this is a somewhat simplistic view that omits the perceptions, objectives and coping strategies of inviduals. When you begin to delve into this and explore how different bandits perceive the sweet spot, it is clear that some people prefer to be very tight, even if they do get the side effects, because they cannot 'trust' themselves to live with the band being any looser. On the other hand, some prefer to be a little loose so that they can continue to enjoy eating out and living a fairly 'normal' life.

So where am I with this? Well first, I feel I should point out that I might change my mind about this next week!! At the moment (!), I feel that I do not want my band to be very tight. I've heard all sorts of horror stories about side effects, but even if you get away without them, there is always the fact that it could take an hour to eat a small meal or half an hour to drink a glass of water. I've had a little experience of living like this when I was too tight a few months ago and it is no way to live - well not for me anyway. I like the fact that I can still eat out with friends and although I am the last to finish my meal (even if I've had much less than them!), I'm not SO slow that it's awkward or embarrassing.

I think that having a sweet spot that is slightly on the loose side does have its downside. For instance, I could eat larger portions than I am doing - it takes quite a lot of willpower to resist the temptation sometimes. But this can be overcome to some extent by religiously sticking to eating the 'right; kins of foods - especially dry textured, crunchy salad vetetables, fish, lightly cooked potatoes, pasta and rice, and so on.

At the last support group meeting I went to, the consultant said that when bandits get to their goal weight, he feels that it's nice if they can have a very small aspiration - say 0.2ml or so. Since he said that I've actually had 0.2ml put in my band. It occurs to me now, that if I had that amount taken out again when I reach my goal weight, I think I would be at exactly the right level to stick at for the rest of my life!! In other words, I could quite happily exist at that level of restriction but manage to eat more than I am doing at present (i.e. enough to maintain weight rather than continue losing). So I suppose that's another good reson for sticking at the level of restriction I have now - it won't be such a big change when I get to goal weight. I am, in effect, already starting to 'train' myself for the big post-goal weight world awaiting me out there!!!

Un-learning the past

I've been thinking today about all of the eating habits that I have developed over a lifetime, and how I need to start to 'un-learn' some of them. For instance, we all learn from a young age that it is 'normal' to have breakfast first thing in the morning, that lunch is taken at around midday and that evening meal is at x o' clock. (I put 'x' o' clock because people get into their own habits about evening meal time. Because of my work patterns we have eaten evening meal at around 8pm for years - but I know this is considered quite late by most people.). I suppose I have also got into the habit of believing that a meal is of a certain size, and includes some starch, protein and veggies.

Since my last fill, however, I am trying to undo some of these basic beliefs, habits and traditions. Take last night, for example. I'd had my evening meal and was sitting up late-ish watching a film. I got hungry and thought about what I could eat. In the past I would have made up a huge cheese sandwich or a toastie or eaten some chocolate (if there was any left!). Last night, however, I looked at my food diary for the day to see if there were any food groups under-represented and saw that I hadn't really had much protein during the day. So my late-night snack? I ended up with a scrambled egg and melted cheese!! It wasn't just delicious, but also very filling.

[As an aside - I have recently discovered Rosemary Conley's mature low fat cheddar cheese - it's only 189 calories per 100g - which is only a little bit more than Philadelphia Light!!! - and it's luvverly!!].

Then as another example, I have been trying really hard to eat when I am hungry and not just eat when it is 'the right time'. This means that on the one hand I have found myself snacking on yoghurt mid-morning, but I've also sometimes had lunch at 3pm and several days have split my evening meal into two and had half at about 6pm and the other half at 9pm! Odd those this may all sound, it really does seem to be working. The result is, of course, that I am never hungry - because as soon as I am, I eat! Of course I have to stick to eating healthy foods but I don't really find this a problem most of the time.

I'm getting younger!!

Two years younger to be exact! Several months ago I purchased a Tanita Innerscan body composition monitor (click on the link to purchase!). As well as telling me my weight, it also tells me my body fat %, total body water %, visceral fat level, muscle mass, physique rating, bone mass, basal metabolic rate and metabolic age. I've been keeping a vague check on my readings for several months and Ive noticed quite a few slow changes:

1. Body fat %: This started off around 45% but is now 34%. This is just outside of the 'normal' range.


2. Total body water %: This is usually inverse to body fat, so when I started taking readings it was quite low - about 32%. It's now just inside the 'normal' range at 45%.


3. Visceral fat level: This is a measure of how much fat there is internally around the abdominal cavity - and is a good indicator of susceptibility to nasties like heart disease. If you're in the range 1 to 12 then you're OK. Fortunately, I tend to collect fat around my bum and hips rather than around my stomach, so I've always been inside the OK range (well since February when I bought this machine). Recently my level has improved from level 9 to level 6.


4. Muscle mass: This is given as a weight - and mine has actually fallen a little from eight stone something to seven stone something. I presume this is because even though I have increased my proportion of muscle, the actual weight of it has dropped as I've lost weight overall.


5. Physique rating: This is a subjective measure of physique according to the ratio of fat to muscle. There's a complex scale in the manual they provided with the monitor - but basically, my rating has improved from 3 (large frame obese) to 2 (medium frame obese). I long for a rating of 6 (standard muscular) which represents a person with average body fat and a high % muscle!


6. Bone mass: To be honest, I've only really taken notice of whether this has been above 6.5lb or not because below this level there is increased risk of bone diseases like osteoporosis. I've always been above that level.


7. Basal metabolic rate: When I started recording BMR it was about 2200 calories, but as I've lost weight this has fallen steadily to around 1550. This is normal because as we lose weight our body needs less energy to 'keep it going'. The downside of your BMR going down is that it means you can consume less calories to maintain your current weight. However, in the last few days, for the very first time, my BMR has started to increase again - it's now 1590! Given that I am still losing weight, this is a good indication that I am starting to develop more muscle (which needs more energy to keep it going).


8. Metabolic age: The monitor indicates the average age associated with your measured level of metabolism. The maximum reading it gives is 50 years - and I have to confess that I have been 50 years old ever since I started taking readings..... that is, until this morning! Today I'm only 48!!! Yippeee!!! I'm actually only 45 years old so I clearly still have some way to go in losing weight and building up muscle mass before my BMR reflects my actual age - but it's nice to get started along the road to youthfulness!

Gym update

I reported last week that I had joined my local gym. I've been back twice so far and have really enjoyed it! I went this morning before work which really is a first for me. I must admit I never saw myself as a gym-aholic but I can see how it just kinda 'gets to you'. I'm still getting the hang of all the equipment - not so much how to use it - but what kind of exercise it gives you and what muscle groups it builds. My routine, if you can call it that after just three visits (!), goes something like this:

• Ten minutes walking flat on the treadmill and gradually building up the speed to 6.2kph - just as a warm-up really.


• Twenty minutes doing the 'hills' programme at level 20 (the highest) on the treadmill. Attempting to do this at the same walking speed as the first activity is really hard and gets the hamstrings working. I can just about keep up 6kph for the first 10-12 minutes but then have to slow it a little to about 5.7kph. This one really gets the sweat pouring!


• Then I either work on my upper body strength and tummy muscles, or my upper body strength and leg muscles. You'll have gathered from this that my upper body needs the most work! I'm particularly focussing on my triceps (the ones at the back of your arms) in the vain hope that this might reduce (or at least, firm up) my bingo wings. I'm working on my tummy muscles for a similar reason!

This all takes about an hour. If I have more time to spare I spend more time on aerobic activity and use the cross trainer or cycle. I haven't really had a proper go with the rowing machines yet but give it time and I'm sure I will. I also experiment with a wider range of the leg-strengthening kit that I haven't used yet.

Once I'm done I spend a few minutes on one of the mats just stretching - especially my leg muscles. I've always found that if I don't stretch after exercise they just tend to cease up later in the day. As always, I'm keeping a careful check on calories burned and this morning, I reckon I burned about 500 calories. That's roughly equivalent to walking about 8,000 steps - so that's one walk I won't have to do this evening!

Something else I've been doing is using some small free weights at home. They're like a small, metal dumbell with a 1kg weight on each end. I've had them for many years but they've spent most of that time gathering dust. Well not anymore. They now take pride of place in front of the TV in our living room! That's so I don't forget - whenever I sit down to watch TV I'm now reminded to do some light weight-lifting! I have established a routine of doing six exercises - all focussing on my upper body strength, and especially my triceps, and I've been doing them daily. It's been less than a week so far so I can't see any difference - but I have noticed some of the exercises are starting to get just a little easier!

Post-fill progress report

Well, it's been three days now since my ninth fill of 0.2ml and things are going OK. I am far from convinced that this fill has made any real difference but am keeping an open mind as I begin to experiment with 'harder' foods. Today I ate Ryvita crispbread, cottage cheese and tuna for lunch together with crunchy salad vegetables (yellow pepper, cucumber, tomato, spinach and onion). This all went down without any problems, though I did feel quite full afterwards. After I had eaten about three or four mouthfuls I had to pause for ten minutes or so before I could continue. But once I re-started, I was able to continue to the end.

I am starting a new experiment today that I haven't mentioned before. I have decided that I rely too much on calorie counting to dictate how much I eat. From today I have decided to give my kitchen weighing scales a holiday! Having been weighing all my food for the past nine months I already have a pretty good idea of portion sizes and calories. So, from now on I am going to try to judge how much to eat from a combination of (a) how full I am after eating, and (b) using my side plate and small utensils.

This will mean that I'll have to try to be more disciplined about stopping eating when I am full. This is something I haven't really had to do before now because I have simply ploughed on beyond the 'full' point, knowing that the calorie count was OK. But now I will have to re-learn how to judge the 'stop eating' point based on the above. I am doing this because I'm conscious of the fact that although the end of the tunnel is still a long way off (more than two stones), I can start to see it shining in the distance. I need to adopt eating habits that are sustainable in the long run - and weighing everything is not something I want to have to do for the rest of my life!

Having said all of that, I am going to adopt a compromise position for a few weeks. I am certainly going to continue to keep my daily food and exercise diary. I'll write down what I eat and how much I eat - but no weighing, and no calories. However, at the end of the day (just before I go to bed - so it can't influence what I eat during the day), I will make an estimate of how many calories I have consumed. This is so that I can continue to make an estimate of my daily calorie deficit (based on calories burned during exercise).

One of the things we discussed at the Healthier Weight support group last weekend was the importance of keeping a food diary - and I have no plans to stop doing this valuable exercise in the near future. I'm just tweaking the way that I record in order to begin to adopt habits that hopefully, will be sustainable in the long run.

Early days but......

After my ninth fill (0.2ml) on Sunday I was supposed to be on fluids for three days and mush for a further three days. However, I was too impatient to wait a full seven days to find out whether my latest fill has worked or not and started on mush a lot sooner. In fact I ate variious forms of mush and a cheese sandwich yesterday (i.e. just one day after my fill). Today I had mashed potato and cottage cheese for breakfast (yeah, I know - odd!), a cheese sandwich and soft cereal bar for lunch, and cottage pie and tinned tomatoes for tea. All of this has gone down without any problems at all. I know it's still early days - I still haven't eaten any really hard, solid food - but so far there is no indication that this latest fill has made any difference to my restriction level whatsoever!!

I'm a little disheartened by this. However, I will give it another day or two before I try some really hard, crunchy food. Hopefull this will make a difference but I am not optimistic.

Four grand!

Just spotted that there have been FOUR THOUSAND visitors to this blog!! THANK YOU SO MUCH for visiting, for your loyalty and for your comments. Please do leave a comment if there is anything you'd like me to post about.

Come in number nine....

I had my ninth band adjustment today (0.2ml) and am hoping and praying it will be my last (apart from any long term MOT adjustments). I've been so close twice before but never quite found my sweet spot. I've had a couple of drinks already and satisfied myself that I can get liquids down ok. Then I tried a Weight Watchers low fat yoghurt. I finished it, just, but it's left me totally stuffed! Hopefully this is a sign of things to come.

I know that some newer bandits might be a little off-put at the thought of having so many fills - especially if you don't gave an inclusive aftercare package as I do. However, it might also reassure those who've struggled to find their sweet spot that (a) you're not abnormal, and (b) it's still possible to lose weight even while you're waiting to find that elusive sweet spot.

I'll keep you informed of my progress but wish me luck!

Pigged out

Over the past few days I have developed an ever-increasing craving for chocolate or other sweet things. I've been quite proud of the way I have steadfastly resisted these cravings, adopting all kinds of brain-confusing strategies to help along the way. Alas, my success had to come to an end - and last night it did. I had to go to Tesco to do some shopping and I sort of knew that I was going to buy some things that I shouldn't. I bought some chocolate, but worse, I spotted packs of two iced buns - my absolute favorite, and one ended up in my trolley (I don't know how?!!!). On the way home I told myself that I would try to make my chocolate and buns last at least until tomorrow. Wishful thinking!

In the event, I chomped through a chunky KitKat, a packet of milk chocolate buttons and a bar of Dairy Milk, PLUS not one, but two, iced buns (385 calories each). This was in addition to my normal lunch, evening meal and a dessert of yoghurt and raspberries. I clocked up a total of 2500 calories for the day.

I went to bed, and as I lie there trying to get to sleep, my stomach started to rumble and rumble. It sounded, and felt, as though there were a volcanic eruption about to occur inside and I felt very uncomfortable. I suppose it's not surprising since I'd subjected my stomach to a stuffing by foods it hasn't seen or months. After a while I resorted to the horrible Gaviscon - horrid but it works! I felt fine this morning and the cravings had gone.

Weird this isn't it? In the past, I would have had almost constant cravings - nothing would cause those cravings to go. Now, it seems that when the cravings get really bad, I just need to satisfy them once - and they go away! I guess all I need to do now is to learn how to have just one bar of chocolate or one iced bun - or one anything - rather than resorting to my 'old' behaviours. Although it's a little disappointing that yesteday was a right pig-out, I'm not downhearted. I understand now that these bad days will occur, whatever I do - and one bad day does not ruin all the good work I've put in over the past months.

In fact today, I've been for a strenuous walk in the Pennines, which included some gentle jogging! I've burned about 1200 calories - more than I will eat all day today! So, yesterday's blip is just that - a minor blip. Accept that they happen - I have!

Gym induction

On Monday this week I took the plunge and went down to my local gym to find out what they had to offer! I got loads of infomation about classes, their fitness suite etc and booked an 'induction' for the gym on Tuesday. Tuesday came and I kitted myself out in some very baggy leggings - fortunately they had a waist tie that I used to tighten them up (at least they wouldn't fall down!). I also put on a T-shirt that was probably big enough for two of us! On my feet I wore the running shoes that I purchsed, at great expense, some TWENTY years ago!! I couldn't help noticing that they fit me better than they have done for years because my feet have shrunk!

I was slightly fearful that the gym would be full of slinky, thin people wearing the latest fashions and glowing, rather than sweating. But I was in for a surprise because when I arrived there were a wide range of people - all ages, shapes and sizes, including a number of people who looked a lot less fit than me. I was shown around all of the equipment, some of which looked like it would suit better in a torture chamber! I was then let loose to have a try myself.

I spent a good hour and a half (it went by very quickly) experimenting on the treadmill, cross trainer, cycle, rowing machine and loads of different weight machines. I must confess that I really quite enjoyed the experience. I never felt out of place as I feared I might -I was just there, doing my bit, trying to get a bit fitter - just like everyone else, I suppose.

When I left, I decided to buy a one month 'pay-as-you-go' membership. At £28, compared with £5.50 for a one-off visit, it works out very good value as long as you visit at least once per week. The price includes use of the swimming pool and day-time classes. I am thinking that I really would like to make a visit to the gym a permanent fixture in my weekly routine. My main goal is to get some strength and toning to my muscles - especially in my arms (which are very weak). At the same time, I can also get some more intensive aerobic exercise - this may get more important over the winter months when poor weather may make it less inviting to go for a walk when I get home from work.

I'm planning to go again soon - I'll let you know how I get on.

How to find your BMI

I found some information that allows you to calculate your Body Mass Index (BMI) directly in case you (a) haven't got access to a web site at the moment you want to find it out, or (b) you want to do a more accurate calculation. I, for instance, wanted to enter my height as 5 feet 7.4 inches - but a lot of the web sites don't allow decimal points. And hey, a pound or two makes all the difference yes?!

The metric version

Divide your weight in kilogrammes by your height in metres squared (ie times your height in metres by itself).

Worked example
My weight in kilogrammes = 80.29
My height in centimetres = 171.196
My height in metres = 1.71196
My height in metres squared = 1.71196 x 1.71196 = 2.931
Weight divided by height = 80.29 / 2.931 = 2.74
So my current BMI is 27.4

The Imperial version

Divide your weight in pounds by your height in inches squared (ie times your height in inches by itself). Then multiply the reulting number by 703.

Worked example
My weight in pounds = 177
My height in inches = 67.4
My height in inches squared = 67.4 x 67.4 = 4542.76
Weight divided by height = 177 / 4542.76 = 0.03896
Multiply by 703 = 27.4
So my current BMI is 27.4 (half way in the 'overweight' category)

Enjoy!

Is dieting necessary?

A couple of days ago a reader posted a comment which posed some important questions. In my attempt to answer these I somehow almost deleted the original post and comment and couldn't get it back again - as a comment. However, I did have a copy on my clipboard (phew!). So, since there were some important questions in there anyway I've posted the original comment and my response below. I do hope this was OK by you Amy - thanks so much for your contribution:

Hi Theresa,

I am an avid reader of your blog - has been marked under favorites forever! I have only commented once, though....I love reading about your progress - you are a very approachable writer, if that makes any sense. Anyway, I am wondering if you could be your eloquent self and answer this question....I was banded on June 22 and had my first fill on August 12 - 7ml in a 10 ml band. Before the surgery, I asked my consultant, if he had to use percentages, what percentage of my weight loss struggle would be my own burden, and how much of the struggle would the band take care of? I hope that makes sense to you...he answered he thought the band would do about 75 percent of the work. My question to you is....since you have lost SO much in 9 months, how much of the work did you do, and how much was the band? Your loss has been amazing, and it is early days for me yet, but I am having to overtly and actively "diet" to lose....Your weight seems to have come off very steadily and consistently ...I just had to ask you to try and see your success formula. Again, how much effort was you, and how much the band? Thanks for trying to make sense of the question for me....Amy

Hi Amy,

Thanks for your kind comments and for being such an avid and loyal reader - it's nice to be reminded from time to time that there are actually people out there reading this labour of love! To your question:

My provider, Healthier Weight (Dr David Ashton), liken weight loss with the band to a three-legged stool - remove one of the legs and the stool falls over (ie the band 'fails'). The three 'legs' are (a) the band and the restriction it provides, (b) the calories that go in - what WE put in our mouths, and (c) the calories that go out - through exercise. Using this analogy the band does one third of the work and we have control over the other two thirds. David Ashton told me at my consultation that I would have to do 70% of the work and the band would do the other 30%. These percentages are regularly cited on the UKGastricBand forum.

I think I put in very little of the effort during the first two months post-op because I was swollen and bloated and dealing with healing rather than weight loss. Nevertheless I lost quite a bit of weight during that time. The next five months were the toughest for me because it took a long time to get restriction (many people get it early on but I was not lucky in this respect). I complained a lot that the band wasn't keeping up it's end of the bargain and doing its 30%. I felt I was having to do most of the work by sticking to the band rules, doing lots of exercise and being disciplined. Just as I began to run out of steam I started to get some restriction at last. The last couple of months have been a bit up and down because the band is definitely providing some restriction now, though I am clearly nowhere near as tight as some others, but holidays, celebrations and meals out have disrupted my flow somewhat.

However, through these various ups and downs, I think what has helped me achieve fairly consistent weight loss has been that I decided, right from the beginning, that I was going to change some critical eating habits. These include:

1. Always eat off a side plate and use small cutlery
2. Eat slowly, avoid distractions, chew chew chew!
3. Don't drink for at least one hour after eating
4. Don't put gravy, sauces, mayonnaise etc on anything - keep it all low fat and dry
5. Eat carbs, proteins and veg/fruit in approx equal proportions
6. Practice environmental control - remove from the house anything that isn't nutritious and healthy
7. Aim to walk 10,000 steps per day (don't go anywhere without a pedometer)
8. Keep a food diary - weigh everything, count calories, write it down

Some of this has been a right pain (!), but it's been worth it. It is said that if you do something (whatever it is) for six weeks it will become a habit. It's true. For example, I no longer have to even think about eating slowly it just comes naturally.

I understand that you, indeed I, don't want to diet now we have a band. But I think there is a transitional period between the op and reaching that ideal restriction. If this period is short then lucky you! If it's longer, as it has been for me, then there is a choice - either maintain weight (or even gain) until you get restriction, or use that time to get into good habits and 'do your best'. If like me you continue to lose weight during that time then that's fantastic - but it may mean semi-dieting to some extent.

Gosh I've rambled on (hardly eloquently either!) - I hope that goes some way to answering your question. If it doesn't or you want to ask other questions, PLEASE ask away! I wish you all the best. Just remember this is no quick fix, it's a long haul (I have to keep reminding myself of that), and a key success factor, in my opinion, is getting into good habits early, and putting these good habits into practice most of the time (probably about 80% of the time in my case - I'm no angel!).

Theresa x x

I don't understand - but I like it

What is happening to me? When we were away on holiday last week I was eating quite large food portions. I didn't gain any weight because we burned loads of calories walking. As soon as we returned I resolved to get back to smaller portions and healthy eating. This past week something very odd has been happening. I've been gradually eating less and less and getting less and less hungry. This has come to a bit of a head today. Here's what I've eaten (calories in brackets):

Breakfast: Two small pieces of bread topped with warm tuna and melted cheese. Also orange juice and an Actimel drink. (300)

Lunch: Mixed salad vegetables with adzuki beans and a scoop of cottage cheese. (125)

Evening meal: Salmon, rice and frozen mixed veg. (230)

Other: Ben and Jerry's ice cream tub (at cinema). (230)

Now, dinner was actually 460 calories but because we went to the cinema quite early, I decided to split dinner in half. I ate half before we went with the intention of eating the rest when we got back. While at the cinema I had a B and J ice cream. Anyway, when I got back, I got the rest of my dinner out of the fridge and smelt it - mmmm, lovely! I picked at a couple of bits and ate them - a tiny piece of salmon and a bit of green bean. I knew immediately that there was no way I was going to be able to eat it all. I felt absolutely stuffed! An hour on, I'm still feeling stuffed to the point of nausea....?! My total calorie count for the day will only be about 900 - it hasn't been that low for months!

I reported a similar experience to this on August 10th. All this last week I have been experimenting with splitting either my lunch or dinner in two - thus having four meals per day. I've also been eating whenever I've been hungry - healthy snacks like fruit or yoghurt. And at the same time I seem to be experiencing real restriction for the first time. I am seriously considering cancelling (or at very least, postponing) the fill I have booked on August 23rd.

As ever, I'll keep you posted - but I am feeling quite optimistic about my restriction at last.

Cracks are beginning to appear...!

Make sure you're not eating or drinking anything as you read this.......

About ten days ago I was standing in the shower, with my back to the shower head. The lovely warm water was flowing nicely down my back - when I suddenly felt a very strange sensation going on behind. Something was 'getting at' the crack in my bum!! The same thing kept happening over the next few days and it took me a whole week to work out what it was.

It turns out that it was simply warm water flowing down the crack in my bum - between my cheeks! Now while this might be a normal, everyday occurrence for Mr and Mrs Slim, my bum crack has spent the last twenty years of its life in a suffocating hell, abyssmally squashed between two great fat bum cheeks!! Only now that my bum cheeks (are they what people now call 'buns'?) are somewhat smaller than they were, is there actually space for water to trickle between them.

As I lost weight, I was delighted to be able to cross my legs once again, wear smaller clothes, run upstairs and experience all sorts of other things that 'normal' experience. But feeling warm water trickle down the crack in my bum between my cheeks was never on my what to expect list!! What next - I can't wait!!

More wardrobe clearing

The local charity shops are doing well out of me. I had another wardrobe clear-out last night. I did the last one only a couple of months ago and already I have accumulated another big heap of stuff that doesn't fit me anymore. I decided long ago that I wasn't going to be a pessimist and keep any of my 'too big' clothes any more - they're all going. As soon as they're too big - off with them!

I've still kept a couple of large blouses that I could wear in an 'emergency'. Emergency is here defined as a 'posh' event at work or a social activity that requires something smarter than a T-shirt or rugby shirt! Otherwise, there is very little remaining in my wardrobe now that the old me used to wear. I did find a few very old items that used to fit me years ago - and now do again! One was a pair of walking trousers that I actually used today - they're slightly baggy at the crutch but nothing that a good bit of hitching up won't cure! I also found an old favourite waistcoat - I used to be 'into' waistcoats in a big way and could never bring myself to dump this one.

The charity shop will soon be receiving two pairs of Evan's jeans - one brand new and complete with labels! They'll also be getting a couple of blouses and some other tops that now make me look like I've been engulfed in a tent. Talking of which, while playing around with clothes late last night, I reminded my other half that I'd kept one pair of trousers that fitted me when I weighed 20 stone. It's not that I ever expect to need to wear them again - I just thought it would be fun to keep them and see how big they were on me when I'm slim. I tried them on last night - and even I was absolutely horrified at how big I must have been for these to fit me. I could almost thread a hoop through the waistband, dye them yellow and pretend I was a clown! They are gross. But I guess, so was I.

Love yourself to weight loss

I watched this video recently (click on the link above) and although a little rambling (it goes on for ten minutes) it was very thought-provoking. The lady speaking is basically saying that many obese people believe that when we lose weight, when we are that fit, healthy person we crave to be, only then will we love ourselves. Our self-esteem will be higher, we will have more self-confidence and be happy in our bodies. However, she believes that it should be the other way around. She begins by asking the fundamental question - how do we begin the process of weight loss. I don't think she means, in the sense of the practicalities of eating, exercise, and so on, but in terms of the psychological and/or emotional drivers to make the decision to lose weight in the first place.

Her argument is that we need to learn to love ourselves first. We need to like our bodies, our minds and our personalities now. Then and only then, will we be in a position to be able to manage our food intake properly and in a sustainable way. The argument goes like this: If we love ourselves, then why would we put food into our mouths that we know is harmful to our bodies? If we love ourselves, are we not much more likely to want to reward our bodies with good quality, healthy, nutritious food?

I have come across this line of thinking before - in a faith-based Christian book called 'Free to be Slim'. This focusses on the idea that if God loves us and thinks the world of us, then who are we to think badly of ourselves. If instead, we align ourselves with God's thinking of us - that we are wonderful human beings, then we would want to 'bless' our bodies through the healthy food choices that we put into it.

I can see the logic in these arguments and they do make some sense. Certainly when I was a runner many years ago I lost a lot of weight. Partly this was simply because of the amount of energy I was burning in the running, but partly it was because my head, well, sort of changed - as far as food choices were concerned. I simply didn't crave fatty, sugary, high calorie foods any more. My body was lean and mean and I was full of self-confidence, and if anything, I craved salads, fresh vegetables and fruit, lean fish and so on. There was no effort on my part to stop eating bad foods - it just came naturally out of an inate desire to 'do good' for my body.

I'm not sure where this leaves me now. Like I said, I see some sense in the argument. However, I also know that since I have lost loads of weight my self esteem and confidence have blossomed. I now delight to buy clothes and have noticed my clothes are getting brighter in colour - I no longer feel the need to hide away and 'camouflage' myself.

So maybe both are true. If we love ourselves we are more likely to make good food choices than if we don't. But also, if we make the right food choices, driven by some other 'power', then we will also come to love ourselves more.

Cor! I don't do philosophy very often. It's taxing on the ol' brain innit?

Strategies for emotional eating

As you have probably gathered if you read my blog regularly, I'm a self-confessed emotional eater. I have a few strategies that help - not all of the time but some of the time. However, sometimes I think it's OK to just let go - even thin people eat [i]some[/i] chocolate and crisps!

1. Keep a packet of soft mints and have one or two when needed (about 10 calories each). I know it's not the same as eating chocolate but it puts a nice sweet taste in your mouth which often does the trick for me. Because you can chew and suck these they can be eaten while on the puree stage or after a fill.

2. Keep a bar of chocolate in the house - under lock and key by your other half! When you're in need, get him/her to bring you a couple of squares.

3. Have a low fat hot chocolate (40 calories) - or something similar.

4. Have a 'healthy' naughty snack - such as dark chocolate which has less calories, less fat and is less addictive. Or get some low fat crisps, or make up a great big fat sandwich mainly filled with salad but with the tinest slither of cheese.

5. Get some low fat biscuits that you don't like very much - they'll provide a sugar boost and some 'comfort' when you need it - but since you don't really like them you won't be picking them through the day! I use Rich Tea.....

6. Some of the high protein drinks that you can have while on purees or post-fill are very filling and although not fatty, they can trick your mind into thinking you're drinking a nice McD shake or something like ice cream....

Hope that helps someone out there!

A ton down!!

Today I did my usual first-thing-in-the-morning thing - and weighed myself. The scales told me I am 12 stone and 12 pounds which is 180 pounds. Since I started this whole journey at 280 pounds - that's one hundred of the little blighters lost!! WHOOPEE!!!

This is my weight loss chart produced by the Ticker Factory. The green line represents my target weight of ten stone and five pounds (BMI 22.4). I extrapolated the chart line until it intersected the green line and the date came out at 15th January 2010. That's 22 weeks away and 35 more pounds to lose - which means I have to sustain a weight loss of 1.6 pounds per week to reach that goal.

Currently I'm still just about managing 2 pounds per week but I know this will slow down as my weight reduces and my basal metabolic rate slows down. So, there's still a chance I could make that target. Only problem is, Christmas comes between now and then, so for the second year running I'll be on starvation rations in the festive season!!

Tonight's dinner - update

Two hours on from my last post I had another attempt at eating my dinner. I still wasn't hungry as such, just less full than before. Anyway, I managed to finish it - and it was lovely - even cold (I couldn't be bothered to heat it up!). My husband asked "how come you couldn't eat it earlier?" - and I have no answer for him. It's this band thing - it really does have a mind of its own!

A lovely dinner - I think?!

Today's been another odd day, hunger-wise. I've struggled most of the day with hunger and been snacking a lot - on healthy snacks. I even split my breakfast into two to spread it out a bit. I had two snacks before lunch (yoghurt and banana) and then split my lunch into two as well! Despite having the second half of my lunch at about 3pm, I was hungry again by the time I left work for home (about 5.30pm). Oh, and I forgot to say that my lunch was exactly the same food that left me feeling stuffed for yesterday's evening meal (I cooked up two lots). I kept myself going on the journey home with a couple of mints and a bottle of Diet Coke.....

After arriving home at about 7pm, I faffed around for a bit and then started cooking. I prepared an old favourite - boiled baby potatoes, a piece of steamed salmon and some mixed vegetables. Tonight, veg consisted of mixed steamed onion and aubergine - with loads of black pepper and a dash of soy sauce (mmm lovely!). Anyway, still starving, I finally sat down to eat at 8.26pm. I remember the exact time because I wanted to make sure I didn't continue eating after 30 minutes - something my provider recommends ("if you haven't finished after 30 minutes, throw it away"). Anyway, it is 8.50pm as I write this.

So, did I eat all of my dinner in such a short time - I hear you ask? No. Actually, I managed about 15% of my meal and had to give up - totally stuffed! In fact I'm feeling slightly sick right now and there's no way I could eat anything more. I am seriously hoping that this fullness will wear off enough in an hour or two so that I can heat my dinner up in the microwave and eat some more - it was so lovely but I hardly had a chance to savour it at all!

WHAT is going on? Hungry all day and yet for the second night running I am having trouble eating my evening meal. Now don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining. Well, not much anyway! I'm not complaining about feeling full - that's what my band is supposed to do. What is confusing me is the lack of consistency. I don't understand how or why it is working like this. Certainly in the past I have felt more restriction in the morning - as many bandits do. But this last two days I seem to be experiencing the opposite.

I'll post a shortie later on this evening to let you know whether I managed to get back to my dinner or not!

Hunger pangs and fullness

I've had a funny old day in terms of hunger! I decided to have a two-part breakfast to try and stave off hunger this morning. I started, first thing, with some cereal and orange juice. Then mid-morning I had one small slice of beans on toast. This kept me going until lunch time when I had a tuna and cottage cheese sandwich with mixed side salad. However, by mid-afternoon I was hungry again. I really struggled from about 3pm till 7pm and only got by through snacking. My first snack was a large nectarine, which seemed to have no effect in reducing my hunger pangs. Later I ate a small banana and that filled me right up!

We ate dinner at about 8pm and I had a vegetarian bean bake with mushroom-stuffed pasta, green beans and mushrooms. I had only eaten one third of this when I started to feel full. I probably should gave stopped eating at about half way through because I was full, but I simply couldn't resist the urge to plough on. I ate all of it in the end (about 280 calories in total) but this left feeling rather over-stuffed. It's the first time I have this level of fullness for many weeks.

So my total calorie count for the day is quite good (about 1050). However, on and off, I've struggled with both hunger and feeling too full! Odd. I haven't quite worked out if this is just a blip or if it is somehow related to my two-part breakfast. I'll monitor my progress over the coming days and see what happens.

I did it!!

A short while ago I posted about my desire to run again - and today I did it! Back from our energetic holiday - walking in Chamonix, I was today, feeling full of energy. I didn't think much about it, I just found myself getting into my jogging bottoms and doing a bit of contortionism to get into my new sports bra! I checked that my nearly 20 year old running shoes still fit (honestly!) and sneaked out if the front door. I didn't want my husband to see or guess what I was going to do because I didn't want to face the embarrassment if it all went pear-shaped!

I walked for the first ten minutes to get warmed up, and also this had the advantage of taking me to a secluded path in the wooded edge of the local sports field. I tentatively began to jog along and the first thing I noticed was how much my bum was jiggling up and down!!! I trotted slowly along the path and then ventured out onto open ground and went round the edge of the sport sfield. I was lucky that rain had threatened a few minutes before so there was no-one about!

I ran for a whopping 12 minutes (!) before resuming a walking pace for the return journey home. On my arrival home, with a red face covered in sweat, my other half asked if I'd been running - so much for keeping it a secret! Anyway, I seem to have survived. I felt a very slight niggle from my knees that probably reflects years of carrying the equivalent of several sacks of potatoes. Otherwise no problems. A couple of hours after returning I can feel a little tightness in my hamstrings. Given that I have just returned from a holiday where we walked a minimum of 20,000 steps a day, with no real leg muscle aching at all, this just goes to show how effective running is as a form of exercise.

My medium term aim is to be able to go for a three-mile run once or twice a week. That's a little way off yet, but I've begun the journey. Thank you to those people who encouraged me to do this. I can't honestly say I felt the exhilaration that I used to when running - I was too anxious about bring seen and injuring myself for that. But give it time and I just might re-live that experience again.

Changing bedroom habits.....

No, no, no! I didn't mean those bedroom habits! I was reading on the UKGastricBand forum about a new bandit who was experiencing some pain at her port site, and I thought it might be helpful to relay my port experiences as a nine month-old bandit. Once I had got over the immediate aftermath of the surgery, during which I did experience some discomfort around my port site, I've rarely had much trouble with it. Some months ago when I began a pilates course, I got a sharp pain doing one particular exercise. Subsequently, I tried the same exercise, but more cautiously at first, and got no pain - so it must gave been a one-off. Having lost about seven stone now, my port protrudes - more noticeably to me than anyone else because I am looking down on it if you see what I mean.

However, one permanent change that my port has brought about is when I'm lying in bed. All through my life I've been a left side sleeper. However, after the op it was too uncomfortable to sleep on my left (where my port is) so I switched to my right, for what I thought, would be a temporary phase. However, I find that even now, if I sleep for very long on my left side I wake up with a pain around my port which feels like muscle tightness. It goes away very soon after I either get up or turn onto my right side, but it seems to be a permanent feature of my bedtime habits now.

I miss sleeping on my left side, not least because my other half likes to have the light on - so now instead of having my back to it I'm staring at it all night! But it's not a big problem. I'm curious to know how much more sticky-outy my port will get as I lose more weight. Not that I'm planning to start modelling bikinis or anything, but it's a constant reminder that I have this alien thing inside me.

Dry is best?

The day before yesterday we ate out and I demolished a reasonable sized pasta dish without any trouble. It was tagliatelle with salmon and a creamy sauce. Then last night I cooked a pasta dish. It was penne with tinned tuna, a little Red Leicester cheese, and chopped red onion, aubergine and mushroom. There was no sauce as such, just the natural juices from the vegetables. It was delicious, and slightly smaller than the pasta salmon dish I'd had the night before. Yet I could only just about manage half of it. How come?

Well, of course I know that the band has a mind of it's own and behaves differently on different days, but as a scientist I was looking for a more rational explanation! The only thing that comes to mind is the fact that my pasta dish was much drier in consistency so perhaps wouldn't have slipped through my band constriction so easily. The salmon dish, on the other hand, being quite creamy, would have turned into what was effectively a 'slider' food - and passed straight through.

This is only my conjecture, based on lots of things I've read and heard, but it does seem to make sense. Certainly my provider's advice centres on the type and texture of food we eat to get the most out of the band. I find that while 'good' textured foods are obvious (e.g. crunchy vegetables) and 'bad' textured foods are equally obvious (e.g. chocolate, ice cream, anything really fatty) - everything in between is still a bit of a mystery to me! I think it's just a matter of trial and error - but of course food that works well on one day might not work so well on another!! Cor, I'm making meself depressed again!!

Anyway, the end note to this tale is that I ate the other half of my pasta meal for breakfast this morning - and it was just as luvverly!!

More excercise in the Alps

Had another long walk today high above the Chamonix valley. Quite tired, though I know nothing like as exhausted as I would have been in the past. It's been a glorious day, weather- wise, but my feet are aching and I know it's time to rest! I've been eating fairly normally while on holiday and expending a lot of energy - and I mean normal as in normal for other people. I think I've been consuming about 2500 calories a day - twice what I normally consume. But I'm also burning around 1500 extra calories a day so while I don't expect to lose any weight this week I don't expect to gain either (watch this space!).

We are eating in tonight and I'm cooking pasta with aubergine, onion and mushroom. I'm having it with some tuna while my carniverous other half is having sausages. I'm eating off a normal plate size and using normal cutlery while I'm here - which is quite strange! I've been testing myself to see if I'm able to leave anything on my plate, something I've always found impossible to do. It's defintely easier when using a big plate but I still have qualms about it!

Not sure what we're doing tomorrow - it's our last good weather day so I guess we should use it to the full - but we're both knackered! I'll let you know what we decide.

Full of beans

I took a beautiful photo today of the Mer de Glace, literally translated from the French as 'sea of ice'. Anyway, I can't upload the thing using my iPhone so you can see a similar photo from the web by clicking on the link above! We spent half the day queueing for cable cars but it was worth it to get up really high above the Chamonix valley. We seemed to be in spitting distance of Mont Blanc much of the time. We got up to 3842m which meant that climbing up steps inside the cable car building was really hard work (lack of oxygen due to altitude). In fact, rushing for the next cable car I nearly threw up at one point and my head was pounding. Makes you realise how awful altitude sickness must be for people who climb much higher than this.

Anyway, with cable cars behind us we spent the second half of the day walking - a traverse round the side of a mountain that eventually brought us out at the bottom end of the Mer de Glace. The views were spectacular. The only thing that slightly spoiled it was the huge numbers of people we encountered. At times we were practically queueing to make progress along the path. It's funny because the last couple of days we have commented several times about the lack of people - we wondered where they all were - now we know!

The thing I really noticed today was just how much energy I seem to have these days. In the past, on a walk such as this, I would gave tried to do the minimum possible. Now, I dash off here just to look at something, then quickly scramble up a hill to take a photograph - I seem to be full of energy like I've never known before. I just wish I had done this band thing years ago - that's my only regret. I'm full of beans in more ways than one. I recall a guy at our support group saying that since he'd had a bypass, he passed wind almost immediately after eating anything. Of course we all thought this was hilarious and had great fun mickey-taking at his expense. The only thing is, in the past few weeks I seem to have fallen under the same spell. I nearly exploded a few times today because there were so many people about, I couldn't, if you know what I mean - I had to hold it in!!!

So in more ways than one I appear to be full of beans!

Resistance is futile

The weather hasn't been that good here in Chamonix today, with much low lying cloud. It's stayed dry but the visibility up in the mountains would have been poor so we opted for a low level walk. We took a 7 mile route around the towns and villages of Chamonix, Les Bois and Les Tines. It was very pleasant and we did it at a gentle pace. Having said that, by the time we got back we had been walking for about five hours and my legs were beginning to feel the strain!

We are eating in town tonight and I am going to do my best to be 'sensible'! Talking of which, I received one of those long email joke chains from a colleague at work today. It was far too long to read all of it but I read the first couple of items. The first one was from a magazine column written by a ninety year old lady. She had written what she thought were the best 40 lessons she had learned throughout her life. Many of them were very true and very poignant, lessons I wish I could learn very quickly. But one, in particular, caught my eye. It read:

"Chocolate - any attempt at resistance is futile"

Love it!! It's very pertinent because we bought a couple of large bars yesterday - for taking with us into the mountains as emergency rations you understand..... Well we haven't had any emergencies yet but most of my bar has gone already!!!! That's a 90 year old lady who knows.

I'm in the Alps!

......Chamonix in the French Alps to be precise. We are here for a week on our second holiday of the year (yes I know, a bit greedy, but it's been a hard year). We're staying in a lovely apartment which we booked at the last minute and it has beautiful views of the glacier up valley. Our intention this week, is to relax and enjoy ourselves by getting out and about, seeing the sites and doing as much walking as possible! This place truly is a walkers paradise. There are cable cars and other lifts that get you up to the higher plateaux and ridges and you can walk from there. So, doing a long high level walk doesn't necessarily mean having to flog for miles up steep mountain slopes first.

We only arrived yesterday so just went for a gentle walk today - though having said that I've still managed to clock up about 19,000 steps on my pedometer! Although I am trying to be reasonably sensible about what, and how much I eat, I'm not going to be obsessive about it. We are mainly eating out in French restaurants and they are not known for being that vegetarian-friendly, so much of the time I will have to take pot luck! I don't think to need worry too much anyway about calorie intake because I'll be burning plenty of calories this week for sure.

I have a fairly reliable Internet connection so should be able to keep posting and keep you up to date. I hope to include a photo or two in the coming days.

Another fill?

I think I've lost count of how many fills I have had now - a lot! Anyway, since my last - at the end of June, my experiences have been mixed. Some of the time I have really struggled to keep up with good eating habits - and I know this is partly because there have been a few too many meals out, holidays and visitors etc. At other times, particularly when I've had the chance to get into a routine and had some structure to my days, I've done better. However, even during those 'better' times, I still don't think I am experiencing the same level of restriction as other bandits seem to. I can't help wondering now, whether around the time of my first de-fill I wasn't perhaps a bit too hasty in getting an aspiration. I think perhaps I panicked a bit and got de-filled too quickly - perhaps if I had persevered a bit longer it might have worked out OK?

The same cannot be said to be true after my second de-fill - on that occasion I really was struggling to get fluids down and the excessive restriction was adversely impacting on my life. The thing is though, if I get another small fill now (I am thinking of about 0.2ml), this will take me back to exactly the same total fill that I had when I needed my second de-fill.

I'm on my second holiday from today so my eating this next week will be far fom routine or structured. However, when I get back, I will have one week before my provisional fill appointment to decide whether to go for this small top-up or not. Currently I'm thinking I will - I just keep eating at the moment and I'm not losing weight. But time will tell.