Emotional eating

My roller coaster journey continues apace! Things are still really tough at work and I'm struggling on a daily basis to stick to healthy eating. As soon as I begin to struggle emotionally, I seem entirely incapable of resisting chocolate and other psychologically uplifting foods. What's worse is that I don't just get one bar of chocolate - I get two or three or more. Today I bought seven and so far I've chomped my way through five :-(

I'm mulling over a couple of things at present. First, was I right to gave a band rather than a bypass? People say the band is less suited to emotional and binge eaters but I wasn't aware of that at the time I made the decision. That said, the long term prospects for weight loss are better for bands than bypasses according to research on long term success rates. Second, do I need another fill or do I just need to get my head right? Sometimes I get quite good restriction but it disappears when I eat the wrong foods. On the other hand, I can still eat far more than many people.

I've a seriously hard week coming up and am not at all sure how I'm going to get through it without gaining half a stone. Watch this space!

Been a good girl so far

I've had a much better day so far today. I started out with an early morning visit to the gym. Once at work I had to hit the ground running and didn't gave time for anything more for breakfast other than a banana. Still, that and some drinks kept me going till lunchtime. I'm lucky in having a Sainsbury's close to where I work and so popped along there in search of some healthy food. They do some good healthy choices foods for lunch including a good range of low fat sandwiches, salads and pasta dishes. I opted for a low fat cheese salad sandwich and a low fat Greek yoghurt with crunchy bits and fresh fruit. I ate a Nutrigrain on the way home and have just finished my dinner. I had potatoes, mixed veg (broccoli, mushrooms and green beans) and a spicy vegetable bake.

I may have a yoghurt before going to bed but all in all unfeeling relatively saintly! Having said that, I have found it quite tough today. I've faced some very serious temptation from a half eaten packet of cashew nuts in the kitchen cupboard, from the chocolate vending machine at work and from my husband offering to go and buy a takeaway when I got home from work! Sometimes things are there to make our lives difficult! If I manage to 'keep a lid on it' until I go to bed I'll be very pleased with myself. Who knows, I may even start to losesome weight again?

Breakfast idea

When I was at the support group last weekend I had a nice chat with a lady about what she eats at different meals. I got some good ideas about what I could eat for breakfast to sometimes replace cereal. In particular, I like the idea of having natural yoghurt and mixed fruits. We've now bought some mixed frozen berries exactly for this purpose. I've been trying to eat a banana some mornings in addition to my cereal, because I find I get hungry mid-morning quite often. Having said that I find bananas quite difficult to get down and gave to take them very slowly. If I don't slow down I get these violent hiccups fir a few minutes!! Very embarrassing when you're eating at a desk next to a colleague!!

Breakfast at three.....

Just like yesterday, today was another mad day at work. So mad, in fact, that it was three in the afternoon before I got my breakfast!! And I started work at 7am having left the comfort of my bed at 5.30am. So it's not surprising that my eating continues to yoyo. I ate a Weight Watcher's ocean pie at 3pm and followed this up with a banana and a Muller Light yoghurt. At 6pm I went for a coffee with an equally overworked colleague and managed to stuff down a muffin. I was genuinely hungry at that point. Then on the way home at 8pm I ate a Kitkat! I'm sitting in my easy chair at home now, wondering whether I should eat anything else before going to bed. Although I'm not that hungry any more, my old head is telling me that I haven't had any 'proper' evening meal - and that I should eat something. I think I might compromise and have a piece of toast....

Comfort, craving or reward?

Whoosh, it's been a funny few days. I've been yo-yo-ing up and down - both on the scales and in terms of my calorie intake. Yesterday I only managed a paltry 900 calories, the day before was about 2,500 and today looks like being on course for about 1800!! Why so high? Well I'm going through a very tough time at work. I work at a University and the students have just arrived back in their thousands. It's nice for the place to have a bit of a buzz again but the amount of work I have to get through is horrendous. I've been working twelve and fourteen hour days for the past week or so - arriving home exhausted, resting a while and then going to bed. Then the next day it starts all over again!

The thing is, each day I start out really well - just as today. By 4pm this afternoon I'd had about 5-600 calories - which is good. But then when it gets to about 5 or 6pm and everyone else has gone home for the evening, I'm here on my own and know I'm going to be till at least 7 or 8pm, my resolve just goes. I got hungry about an hour ago and just had to 'pop out to the shop'....a euphemism, perhaps, for stuff my face with chocolate. It's not just that I need to satisfy my hunger - which every normal person would have to - it's also that I need to get that something else, that unknown 'x' factor out of my food. Maybe it's comfort? Maybe it's some sort of reward for working so hard? Maybe it's just a craving for sugar borne of letting myself get too tired? I don't know - but wherever the urge comes from it is is incredibly powerful. Nothing I do enables me to resist.

When I get home in an hour or so from now I'll have another small bite to eat, collapse in the chair for a while and then heave myself up the stairs to get some well-earned sleep. Today, I haven't even found any time to get some exercise - so I haven't exactly burned off many of the calories either. And before you say "ah, but what about burning off the calories during all those long working hours?" - yes, but the trouble is, I spend most of my day sitting on my butt!

I can simply console myself for now with the knowldege that this period of time is always very bad. Perhaps I shouldn't expect to be 'good' at this time of year - just good enough to maintain, rather than gain any weight. Then in a week or two when things calm down (they will, won't they?!), then maybe I'll be able to get firmly back on the wagon - rolling inexorably downhill towards the finale some time in January I hope (or is it February now?!).

Thanks for staying the course with me!

Thoughts on exercise

Went to the Healthier Weight support group meeting in Manchester today. The presentation was about the importance of exercise in the body energy balance. In essence, whether or not we lose weight is a function of total calories (energy) in minus total calories out. Since calories out is largely related to activity levels, the more exercise we do, the more likely it is that we will lose weight. Of course it is not so simple as that - it takes quite a lot of commitment, motivation and organisation on our part to make that exercise actually happen.

Personally, I have got into quite good habits when it comes to fitting little bits of walking into my daily routine. However, it's harder to find the time and energy to fit in 'bigger' bits of exercise like long hikes, going to the gym, swimming etc. One of the things that was clear from today's talk was that this kind of activity tends only to happen if it has a very regular place in our daily and weekly routine. This us where I struggle at the moment because my job us quite variable on a day to day basis. That means I start and finish work at different times so find it difficult to fit in visits to the gym etc on a regular basis.

This is where I find having daily and weekly targets on my pedometer helps. My daily target is 7000 steps and my weekly average target is 8,000 steps. I find it quite helpful to look at it during the day - if it says 5790, for instance, then I know I only gave to fit in an extra 1210 before bedtime! This evening I went for a walk-jog for 40 minutes or so - I quite enjoyed it but am tired now. Signing off to go to bed.

Dog bites more than it can chew

We went put for a nice walk in North Wales today to get some exercise. We chose a spot near Halkyn Hill near Mold. The area gas some large, modern quarries and also a rich heritage of ancient lead mines. As a consequence the area is cross-crossed with numerous footpaths over open moorland. It's really picturesque and covered with gorse bushes and many hillocks and hollows. There are also many scattered farmhouses.....

It was as we were passing one of those farms that two dogs came rushing out, barking madly. The larger one just barked a lot and then ran round us a couple of times with it's tail wagging. The other one, a really small dog resembling a corgi with longer legs, came straight at me like a bullet and bit my leg!! It took a few seconds for me to realise what had happened but then it started to hurt. By this time a lady had appeared and in a state of shock I yelled at her "your dog just bit me!". I pulled up my trouser leg to inspect the damage and there was a fairly impressive bruised red and purple area, together with a shallow gash where the skin was broken. However, I was lucky that I was wearing my gaiters over the top of my trousers as they had protected me from worse damage.

Anyway, after a bit of mutual shouting between me and the farmlady (the dog owner), she finally apologised and we went on our way. I was shaking. I must have walked past hundreds of farms with barking dogs but I don't think I will again, without a great deal of fear and trembling. Home now, and my leg is looking better. It's still slightly swollen and has a very red mark - but I think I'll live!! That darned dog hasn't done it's fellow canines any favours because next time I go walking in farm country I'll be prepared with a stick!

How do I get my head right?

The past couple of weeks I've been struggling somewhat. I don't seem to be able to get my head right. One day I'll be a real goody two shoes and eat healthily, get loads if exercise and go to bed feeling like a saint. The next day I'll start eating in the morning and seemingly will be unable to stop. I'll get little or no exercise, pig out on all sorts of bad stuff and go to bed feeling like a complete failure! I wouldn't mind so much if there was some sort of in between! I just go from one extreme to the other.

Things are really tough at work at the moment and I'm feeling a bit stressed, so I suppose that might be part of it. I'm also still not quite over the constipation I got last week (see 'Eggs is Eggs' post) - I'm therefore feeling a bit naff physically - and that might be part of it as well. The times when I feel best, psychologically speaking, are when I'm in full flow onthe treadmill at the gym, or swimming hard on a Tuesday night. The exercise gets the goodchemicals going in my brain and make ne feel good - so I naturally eat more healthily. I guess that's the difficulty with the band - you have to consciously decide to eat healthy food for it to work but when you're an emotional eater like me, that's easier said than done.

I said a few days ago that I was going to read my notes on emotional eating - but I've been so busy I haven't got around to that yet. It's starting to get more urgent.

Feedback from a WLS support group

Some time ago I became a member of WLS Info (Weight Loss Surgery Information). They are a registered charity in the UK and provide a web site with a wide range of resources, a helpline, events and a network of support groups across the country. The web site also has a range of forums which are heavily used - you can get advice on all sorts of gastric surgery, pre and post-op. At the moment, I go to a monthly support group run by my provider. It's really great - I can get very helpful advice and share experiences with fellow bandits. However, I thought I would go along to one of the WLS support groups to see what went on. I understood from the web site that they have lectures from experts in the field. And I suppose I was just curious too.

So, on Tuesday this week, I went along to the Liverpool group. It's based at a sports centre on a University campus where the main specialism is physical education! Getting to the centre I passed dozens of student joggers, and the centre itself was extremely busy. I couldn't help think that it was a pity the group was centred here - obese people having to fight their way through loads of very fit, young, sweaty bodies just to get to the room we'd been allocated! Anyway, I arrived. There were about fifty people there - so quite a big group - in every sense of the word!! In fact, when I went into the room, I sat down next to a lady who looked as lost as I felt. I asked her "is this the WLS support group?" (a very stupid question considering the clientele!!) and she replied - yes, but I think you're in the wrong place! This was a thinly veiled reference to my relative lack of size. I think this is the only time in my adult life that I have actually felt truly skinny!!

There was a long delay of about half an hour while a man and a woman tried to get some life from the audio-visual equipment - some sort of technical hitch. Eventually the man spoke and said that everyone who had had surgery three or more months ago should go into another room, and everyone else stay where they were. So with that, I got up and set off for the 'other' room with a bunch of other people. We went to the other room and there was another long delay while chairs and tables were re-arranged. The lady leading the session (she didn't introduce herself) asked if there were any issues people wanted to discuss, or any questions. To cut a long story short, for the next hour, everyone talked over everyone else. There was no order, no chairmanship, no structure, and a great deal of noise. A small number of people dominated the conversation and others (including me) didn't get a word in at all. Suffering hearing loss in one ear, I found it impossible to follow much of the conversation and found the noise level really uncomfortably loud. From what I did follow, I got the impression that most of the people there were bypassers rather than bandits - a lot of the discussion revolved around 'dumping' and vitamins. I was glad when it was announced that we were going back to join the main group.

After another long delay while fifty people queued up to get tea and coffee from a very slow machine, we finally got settled again. I had no idea what was about to happen, but expected something more structured - a presentation perhaps? But I was to be disappointed again. The lady who had 'led' our group asked everyone to say who they were, whether they'd had surgery, and how much weight they'd lost. We went round the group one at a time. It took quite a while and it was very tedious because the room was so big that no-one could hear anyone further than a couple of metres away from them. By the time we had finished this 'round', I had confirmed my suspicion - there was only ONE other bandit in the room!! The rest were either bypassers, or DSs (duodenal switch - not even sure what this is!).

Next, began another 'open' session just like the first that turned into a complete free-for-all with loads of conversations going on at the same time, nobody able to hear much at all, and most of us unable to take part. After twenty minutes of this (and with 40 minutes left to go), I quietly got up and left. The relief - to be out of the noise and into the still night air. All in all, I went along because I was curious, and I came away certain that I would never go again. Not only did I not learn a single thing, but I couldn't hear much and very little of it was relevant anyway! It was very poorly organised and totally unstructured. Now don't get me wrong, I know WLS are a charity and the two 'leaders' are probably volunteers. But this doesn't make it acceptable for me to waste time AND come away with a helluva headache and feeling quite stressed from the frustrating experience.

I'm a glutton for punishment (as well just a glutton!!) though - I may pop along to the Manchester group next month and see if it's any better! Meanwhile, while I cannot, hand on heart, recommend the support groups (well, not the Liverpool one anyway), the web site and all the other things the charity provides are still excellent. As I have often said on here - you live and learn.

Chocolate binge

Done ok today except for going on a late afternoon chocolate binge. I managed to scoff five bars in a couple of hours. I felt a sudden urge, maybe relating to stress at work? I simply couldn't resist. I missed my support group session on emotional eating (probably the one I needed to attend more than any other) but I have a copy of the notes. I need to look at them - obviously. I'll have a read and post some thoughts on here. On the one hand I've been reassured by the fact that despite various bad days and binges in the past, I've not gained any weight. On the other hand, I'm disappointed that I keep giving in to these irrational urges to sabotage all my hard work. Oh well, I'll read the notes and see if I can learn any lessons for next time.

A mincing experience

Last night I cooked up some soya mince with brown rice and some mixed frozen vegetables. It seemed like a balanced meal, with the mince being low in fat but rich in protein. I've had the mince many times before but not since my last fill. While the mince was cooking I'd added a little original Bisto gravy to provide a little flavour. I tucked into my meal - but only got as far as about three small forkfuls. I was just really struggling to get it down. It wasn't that it had made me full - I was still hungry! But I couldn't manage any more so put it to one side.

About an hour later I thought I'd have another go. Then I had a brainwave! I made up some vegetable gravy from Bisto gravy granules (I don't normally use this because it is relatively fatty). I poured this on top of the heated up meal and added some melted cheese. For good measure I added loads of black pepper and a little salt. I tucked in again - this time it went down much more easily! It was also much nicer! I finished the whole lot and was nicely full by the end.

It just goes to prove that drier textured food is more difficult to get down than food that is more fatty. On this occasion though, I appear to have begun by getting the balance wrong and making it too dry. You live and learn!

Eggs is eggs

As sure as eggs is eggs, eggs produce, shall we say, a binding effect in me! Having been away for a few days, I was rather at someone else's mercy when it came to food. I ate breakfast each morning in a canteen offering fairly typical English breakfast fayre. On offer were scrambled eggs, fried eggs, sausages, bacon, baked beans, tinned tomatoes and hash browns. There was also toast made from white bread, yoghurt, fruit, and croissants. Being a vegetarian and trying to avoid fatty food, I opted each morning for a piece of toast, a small amount of scrambled egg and a tomato. I also had a yoghurt and took a piece of fruit for later.

From a calorie and nutritional point of view my selection for breakfast was good. However, in the past few days I have experienced one of the downsides of my choices. Eggs seem to have a bad effect on my digestive system and seem to 'block it up' solidly. This morning I declared war on my bowels! I started with the Lactosol, then followed it up with strong coffee, a bowl of All Bran and a banana!! Within the hour I had won the war but was feeling truly knackered!! Sorry if this is all too much information - but it's just one of the practicalities we have to face with the band!

I have a plan for the next time I go away. I'll eat the eggs some of the time, but I'm going to take some All Bran with me and work really hard to boost my fibre intake. For now, eggs are off the menu for a while!!

Why carbs are good

Dr Ashton, Director of Healthier Weight, has written on the HW web site about the dangers of ketosis (click on the title link). This is essentially when the body obtains its energy, not from glucose stores, but by burning stored fat. Now you might think this is a good thing, and indeed fat-burning is not a bad thing in itself. However, when taken to extremes and for long periods of time, it can result in changes in blood chemistry that can be dangerous. A recent case was reported where a lady died as a result of ketosis brought on by following an 'extreme' diet.

Some ketosis is inevitable when we reduce our total calorie intake and carbohydrates. However, fat burning can be taken to serious levels on very low carbohydrate and / or low calorie diets. My observation from looking at some American web sites and reading weight loss books that come out of the US is that they appear to be much more keen on carb-free diets than us in the UK. Nevertheless, there are an increasing range of carb-free diets available and they are DANGEROUS!! How come people don't realise that our bodies need a balanced diet, with elements of proteins, carbs, fats (yes, they're not called 'essential' fats for nothing!), vitamins, minerals and fibre. If any one of these is missing the body will suffer.

Of course, some carbs are better than others. Simple carbs (sugars like chocolate, sweets) are the bad ones. The middling ones are potatoes, white bread, rice and pasta. These are complex carbs that are refined. The best carbs are complex and unrefined, like wholemeal bread, pasta and rice. These should form a component of every meal and make up about one quarter.

So there you have it. Carbs are very bad if you don't have them, they can be bad if you have the wrong ones, but if you have the right ones they're very good for you!

Back to the grind!

I've had a much better day today. I've left my bad eating habits behind in Durham and am back 'on the wagon'! I had some muesli and all bran for breakfast but couldn't manage it all. For lunch I ate a lovely tuna salad that came in a tin! That probably sounds awful but it really was tasty - coated with a light French dressing (only 221 calories). I got hungry in the afternoon and ate a low fat creamed rice. This evening I've eaten some potatoes, mixed veg and two vegetarian hot dog sausages. I followed that up with a Muller Light yoghurt. So far I've had about 1,000 calories but am feeling slightly peckish again. I may have a light protein boost before going to bed.

I know I said this a couple of days ago but I think it's worth repeating: The band really does work when it comes to restricting good, healthy foods. However, it may as well not be there when it comes to unhealthy, high calorie foods rich in sugar and high in fat. I was told this right at the beginning of my band journey and I've read it umpteen times since. I've listened to people saying this, offering advice on it and overheard discussions about it. But do you know what? It's only been in the last few days that I have truly realised the reality of the way that the band works. I don't think it has been so obvious to me before. Scoffing down kit kats, biscuits, peanuts and cheese sandwiches - it truly is as though I have no band. But on the same day as doing all that scoffing, I experienced true fullnes and restriction from the band when eating boiled potatoes and vegetables, together with some sort of protein.

I bet when I read back over this in days, weeks or months to come, I'll probably think I was mad to have taken so long to truly 'get' the band. But when you are right in the thick of it - it is sometimes difficult to gain a true perspective. So, here's what the band is really all about: If you are prepared to make good food choices then the band will do the rest. If you expect to be able to eat what you like and let the band do all the work - it will hardly do a thing for you. This band is no easy option - it's tough. But if you work with it, it works with you.

Take away

Got home from the conference in Durham this evening. Too tired to bother cooking, so we ordered a Chinese takeaway. I got a Singapore vegetable chow mein - this is a spicy noodle dish. I tried to be good and put half on a plate, putting the other half away to eat tomorrow. However, about twenty minutes after I'd finished I relented and ate the rest!! Oh well. I've eaten all sorts over the last few days so tomorrow it's back to my healthy eating plan. Not that I haven't got loads of exercise over the last few days - I've done 12,000 to 15,000 steps each day. The problem is, I've eaten way more than usual. So as I say, back to my plan from tomorrow.

Good food versus bad food

Well - yesterday I proved it. If there was any doubt left in my mind that the band restricts your food intake when you eat sensible, healthy food, but just lets fatty, sugary food go right through, I proved it beyond all doubt yesterday. I'm away in Durham at a conference. During the afternoon I got an opportunity to get away, get some air and go back to my room for a breather. I don't know what came over me, but on the way back I found myself in a shop buying all sorts of naughty goodies (or 'baddies' as they should be referred to). Back in my room I scoffed them all - cashew nuts, two kitkats and chocolate buttons (those things should be banned from civilisation!!). They all slid down very nicely, very quickly, and without even hitting the sides.

About three hours later I joined the rest of the delegates in the dining room for evening meal. It was a self serve canteen and I opted for a piece of breaded plaice, two boiled potatoes and a large spoonful of mixed vegetables (broccoli and carrots). The veggies were cooked 'al dente'. Oh, and I also selected a nice creamy chocolate mousse-thing for dessert.....

Bearing in mind that the bad food I'd eaten earlier had hardly hit the sides - you wouldn't have dreamt I even had a band if you'd seen me..... the evening meal was a completely different story. I couldn't manage the breadcrubs at all - too doughy and getting stuck. I ate the tiny amount of fish that was left inside the breadcrumbs, one of the potatoes (and that was a struggle) and about half of the veg. By the time I'd eaten that I was stuffed. Totally stuffed. But what about the dessert? I ate a little mouthful of it - just a taste, thinking that there was no way I was going to get it down, but it went down easily - all of it!!

So the moral of the tale is this: The band really, really, really, does allow all sorts of rubbish food through it as though it wasn't there. It sort of goes on strike the moment you put chocolate, mousse, peanuts or any other 'bad' stuff anywhere near it. However, if you tempt it with wholesome grains, steamed vegetables or fish, boiled potatoes and all other things good, it leaps into action lke a sort of internal Superman and does a very hard days work for low pay. So. All I have to do now is find something to control my brain.

Routine - boring but good!

I remember when I was at school our teacher got us to complete this really long and complex questionnaire designed to figure out what career would best suit us. I already had an idea (and that's putting it mildly) of what I wanted to do and so it was quite difficult to answer the questions completely honestly, and not make the answers biased towards the career I thought suited me. At the time, believe it or not, I wanted to join the Police Force. I have since realised the error of my ways (!) - but that was what I was absolutely set on at the time. I also remember saying in this questionnaire that I hated routine and loved the unpredictable. I think, in my mind, I saw police work as anything but routine, so sort of figured that I, therefore, obviously did not like routine! Daft logic I know, but I was only a kid.

I have carried this notion with me for much of my life - that 'routine' somehow equates with all things boring and mundane. However, in recent months I have given some thought to the lack of self discipline in certain areas of my life and wondered whether it is associated with a lack of routine in any way. My job, for example, is not at all routine. I do different things almost every day and even though I try to plan ahead, I often find that at the end of the day I have hardly done a single thing I set out to. It occurs to me that when my daily life IS very routine, I find it much easier to stick to good, healthy eating habits and getting regular exercise. When things are out of routine, it all 'goes to pot', as they say.

I'm currently at a conference in Durham. Although it is a very structured event, with seemingly every minute of the day accounted for, it's not part of my normal routine. I'm away from home, I cannot do any of my normal exercise activities (I can walk but I can't go to the gym or use my stepper etc), I am at the mercy of other people when it comes to what I will eat (and when) - and it all feels a little frightening as far as my new band life is concerned (or maybe I'm just a control freak!). I think that, in a way, one has to be something of a control freak to work successfully with the band: You have to be able to plan ahead - what you will eat, what you will drink, when you will eat and drink, how and when you will exercise and so on. These things can only be planned properly if you have a good amount of control over what the day will bring.

So, I think that contrary to my child-like instincts, I'm going to have to get to associate routine with all things good. I'm going to have to get to like routine and see it as a major contributor to my band success in the future.

Tut tut - should know better!

I really should know better by now........

Last night I got bad 'head hunger' and went to my local Co-Op for 'sustenance'. I only intended to buy one Kitkat....... but I came back with a kitkat, a bar of Dairy Milk, a strawberry mousse-thing and a packet of two iced buns. I scoffed the lot without them hardly touching the sides - oh, except the second iced bun which I left till this morning.

I got up this morning feeling ever so slightly guilty, and decided that instead of watching that iced bun all day and worrying about it, and thinking and dreaming about it, I'd just eat it for breakfast!!! Then, my theory went, it would be gone and I could get on with being a 'good girl' for the rest of the day. D'you know what? I got distratcted while eating that there bun, ate it too fast and ended up having a prolonged attack of the slime, and for the first time ever, regurgitation of food.

Yuk. Nasty. Don't want to do that again. But then again, I'm human, so I probably will!

Unrecognisable?

A few days ago I passed a colleague in the corridor. I hadn't seem him for several weeks so I gave him a broad smile. He looked right at me but didn't reciprocate. I thought perhaps he was day-dreaming so I said a big "Hello, Tom!" to catch his attention. Then he responded and said a lukewarm 'hi' but looked a little baffled. I thought nothing of it until yesterday when I passed another colleague in the corridor. She was standing talking to another colleague. As I approached them I smiled and said hello, and one colleague responded but the other didn't. She just sort of stared at me. Then she suddenly broke into a big grin and said that she hadn't recognised me!!

Today I saw Tom in the corridor again - and I made some quip along the lines of "we'll have to stop meeting like this". He walked alongside me for a bit and confessed that the other day when he saw me he hadn't recognised me and it wasn't until after he'd walked past that he'd worked out who I was!!!

I know I've changed quite a lot in physical appearance - even my nurse said my 'shape' was competely different now. But I suppose I have had these non-recognition episodes with colleagues moreso because we have all been away so much over the summer that many of us have not actually seen each other for several weeks. I fact, I haven't seen the guy I share a two-person office with since June!!!

Talking of which, my other half has been overseas for the last three weeks. I wonder if he will recognise me when he gets back?????!!!!!!

Three hundred posts!

Sorry people, but this is a somewhat pointless post - just to say that it's my three hundredth!! Doesn't time fly when you're having fun! When I started this blog I don't think I ever dreamed I would find so much to write about. But every day is a new experience with the band so I think there's lots more to come.......

Ring ring....

I weighed myself this morning (nothing new there then!) and the scales told me I'm now 12 stone and 5 lbs! At the time, I thought "this is significant" but it took me some time to figure out why. And then it came to me - that was what I weighed when me and my better half got married 22 years ago!! Well, I got a bit excited but have no fear, I haven't gone as far as trying on my wedding dress! However, it struck me that there was something else I wore back then that might just be worth a try. My rings!

I have a simple gold band wedding ring, plus a gold man's style band ring that I was given when we got engaged. It belonged to my hubby's grandfather and has his initials engraved on a crest. I wore both rings until I started doing a Ph.D - it involved spending hours in a mine engineering lab cutting up rocks and so I stopped wearing the rings for fear of damaging them. By the time I'd moved onto other things I'd put on weight and they no longer fit. As I've lost weight, periodically I've tried them on - to no avail - until now! They fit! They're on my digits as we 'speak'!

So today's a day for ringing in the changes (ha ha)! I'm now at the weight that I was through much of my University years - some I reckon to have been the best in my life. I'm also at the weight I was when I said my vows to the man I still love with all my heart. So it's onwards and upwards (well, downwards as far as weight is concerned!) from here. Ring ring, ring ring, is that the telephone? No, it's my new life calling!

Mmmm luverrly!

I've had a good day food-wise. I'm sticking to my plan of eating when I feel hungry - regardless of what time it is, whether it's official 'meal' time or not. I started out the day with a glass of orange, an actimel drink and a cup of tea. On the way to work (about 9am) I ate a small banana, slowly. This is one of the few foods that I feel going down my oesophagus - every step of the way. I also find bananas really filling. Once at work, I ate some cereal - high fruit Alpen muesli with a little All Bran thrown in. This was about 10am. By noon I was peckish again so went on the prowl for some lunch. I went to my favourite sandwich shop where they make up sandwiches while you wait. I obviously haven't been there for a while because I found out it's under new management. I didn't discover until after she'd put the salad in the bun that the new management don't do cottage cheese anymore! Everything else on offer was either carnivorous or high fat - so I just went for the salad roll. On the way back to my office I popped into the local vegetarian cafe /shop (The Eighth Day in Manchester) and bought some carrot pate to put in my sandwich!! I followed lunch up with some strawberries at about 2pm.

I arrived home about 5pm and soon after had a Weight Watcher's yoghurt. Dinner, at about 8pm, was a Weight Watcher's microwave pasta meal with a piece of salmon I added to it (otherwise it had no protein - tut tut Weight Watcher's!!). That was great, but by 10pm I was feeling peckish again! I decided that I needed a protein boost (there wasn't much in my lunch) so I had some scrambled egg with Rosemary Conley's cheese melted in, on top of a small slice of wholemeal bread. I have to say, this was absolutely delicious and really filled me up. I think it just goes to show that what they say about protein-rich foods filling you up is absolutely true.

My total calorie count for the day is about 1260 which is fine, especially since I have burned off more than 650 calories walking!! When I read back over this report though, it seems on the surface as though I've been eating all day! I'm certainly not sticking to the 'rule' of having three meals a day and no snacking. However, I've tried this and it just doesn't work for me. This regime, however, really does seem to work. Eat when you're hungry - simple. It means that although some days I might eat on several occasions, on other days I might go long periods without eating. Yesterday, for example, I ate my lunch at 1pm and my dinner at 8.30pm - and that was fine - I simply wasn't hungry in between.

So, I'm back to being optimistic about my level of restriction!!! I dunno, talk about roller coaster!!!

Hypocrisy or kindness?

OK, I admit, sometimes it's really nice when people say complementary things about the way I look or how well I've done with my weight loss. When people first started noticing and commenting on my weight loss it really gave me a boost to hear them say so. But now it's getting silly. There are people I know who now seem to have absolutely nothing to say to me that doesn't revolve around my weight loss. And that's not all. Why does the fact that I've lost weight suddenly give people the right to ask really personal questions? How much do I weigh? What did I used to weigh? What's my target weight? How come I got so obese in the first place? Do I get trapped wind or constipation?!! I'm not kidding!

But you know what's really bugging me? I was obese for twenty years and for fifteen of those I was morbidly obese. Now, with the exception of my darling husband and a couple of comments from my older brother and my Dad, NOBODY EVER SAID A WORD TO ME ABOUT MY WEIGHT (upper case intentional!). Don't get me wrong, I understand that people might gave been reluctant to raise the topic for fear of upsetting me or something, but if they'd really cared so much WHY didn't they talk to me about my weight? Why did no-one ever enquire as to whether I was happy or not with my weight? How come no-one ever thought to warn me of the dangers to my health and mobility? Why didn't anyone give me any encouraging words that might have spurred me on to think more seriously about dealing with my weight problem? And yet now, apparently it's open season for any Tom, Dick or Harry to discuss my weight.

I know that I must take ultimate responsibility for my body, my weight and my life. But my only regret about having a gastric band is that I didn't have it done sooner. I cannot help wondering, that if some of my friends, family, neighbours and work colleagues had said something, I just might not have been in denial for so long, and I just may have got a band and changed my life around sooner.