The dangers of weekly weighing

My provider and dietitian - and most people I have ever heard discussing dieting, always say you should NOT weigh yourself every day - only once per week. In reality, I know from reading the online forums and from personal experience that most of us actually weigh ourselves every day! The argument against doing this is that weight fluctuates a great deal on a day to day basis. In fact I read somewhere that weight can vary between 3 and 5 pounds during the course of a single day!

However, I'm now going to present evidence as to why it is better to weigh yourself DAILY! The graph shows my daily weight over an eight-day period. Day 0 was in fact 23rd December and day 8 is today. If I had weighed myself once a week, starting on day 0, my two weighings would have read 16 stone 12 pounds (236lbs) and 17 stone (238lbs)! Imagine what that would have done to my psychological state if, after having had a very successful Christmas and doing LOADS of walking, I had actually gained two pounds? In fact day 7 was obviously one of those mysterious blips. The very fact that I weigh myself daily means that I could see day 7 was just a blip. If I had not weighed myself daily I would have thought I had gained weight over Christmas. I know from past experience that when you work very hard to lose weight and get nowehere, or worse still, gain weight, that is likely to send me off the rails, so to speak.

So, my conclusion from this, and my advice to you: Weight yourself daily and keep a record. That way you will be able to see all of the mysterious 'blips' but will still get a very good idea of what the overall trend is. You will also become much more attuned to why and when these blips occur (eg a late meal the night before, constipation, menstruation etc etc). So, while I usually advocate taking the advice of professionals, in this case I say "weigh every day - no matter what they say"!

Big bruv is really pleased!

I managed to get some quality time with my older brother over Christmas and told him about my band. What surprised me was that he was really pleased. In fact he gave me a big hug and said "I'm so pleased about your news...". It seems that he (and also my sister, apparently) has been quite concerned about my health and weight for some time but not said anything for fear of upsetting me or encroaching on a private matter. I told my younger brother sister and brother that I was on a diet. My sister said she was really pleased because she had been praying about me and my weight for some time.....

Isn't it amazing what you find out? I genuinely thought that my family would be somewhat horrified that I'd elected to have gastric surgery but that couldn't have been further from the truth! I suppose all these years they have avoided talking to me about my weight because they knew I don't find it an easy thing to talk about - and also I am a very private person.

Anyway, I am so pleased I told my brother and Dad. When the time is right I''ll also tell my younger siblings. I know my experience won't be the same for everyone but if you are considering having the surgery and are thinking about whether to tell people or not - I'd say perhaps we should give our families more credit than we might think!

Desperate for chocolate......

2008 has been a bad year on the whole. It's been one thing after another right from January 2008 and I'm really glad to see the back of it. However, the year has improved dramatically since deciding to get banded in November and I hope this improvement will continue throughout 2009. Aside from the obvious benefits of losing weight and getting fitter, I have also been feeling a lot happier, less depressed and optimistic. At least I was until yesterday..... let me explain:

In January 2008 our cat seriously damaged his right leg - around what would be the human equivalent of a knee. He had to have major surgery and loads of pins were put in around an external frame - he then had to have an extended period of cage rest. As a result, in order to stay at home and look after him, my husband and I had to sell our winter skiing holiday to Cervinia in Italy on eBay! We also had to cancel a couple of other trips. Around this time lots of other bad stuff started happening - and thus began my own anus horribilis.

Bringing this back to the present, yesterday, being a good girl and getting in some post-Christmas walking, I slipped on some ice and hurt my leg - yes you've guessed it - my right knee. We are due to be going on holiday on Saturday (you guessed right again) - skiing at Cervinia in Italy. I saw the doctor this morning and he is not at all optimistic about me even being able to walk properly by Saturday, never mind ski. So, for the first time in several weeks, I am really craving chocolate, cakes, chips, cheese sandwiches, anything that might, for a few seconds at least, make me feel better.

I still don't really know how it happened - I was just walking along and then 'BANG'! I was in a heap on the ground. I was a bit shaken but got back up and set off to walk back to the car (about 2-3km). I then drove home, still not experiencing any pain at this stage. Once I got home, I felt some pain walking down the stairs and then over the next hour there was rapid swelling and stiffness. I wasn't able to walk and only a serious ice-pack improved the pain.

This morning I was still unable to walk properly and my knee is badly swollen, although the worst of the pain has passed. I still cannot believe that the same thing appears to be happening again (albeit, it is my leg this time, not the cat's!). I'm even more surprised at how easily my brain has reverted to 'type' and started telling me I need to eat 'bad' food to feel better (although of course I know it wont make me feel better at all). I'll keep you posted on progress....

Here's hoping for a much better 2009.... it can only get better??

A lovely message from a reader

I just wanted to share this message with you, left for me as a private message on the UK Gastric band.co.uk forum (I've kept it anonymous, of course). It really gave me a warm glow in my heart to know that this 'stuff' that I write is helping some people out there:

Hi Theresa
I joined this site today after reading some of your posts. Your diary has been such an inspiration. I am having the band fitted on 5th Jan and was starting to have the jitters - but after reading your blog, I'm fine about it. I'll keep logging on to read about your progress, but just wanted to say thanks.

Solid foods at last!!

Officially, I went from purees to solid foods on Saturday 27th. I did eat some 'solid' food over Christmas, but not necessarily the kind of food I would have chosen had I not been staying with my Dad. As a result, I really saved my solid food changeover until I got home and was able to eat the kind of food I really wanted to eat. We arrived back home in the late afternoon on Saturday after a long motorway journey. Neither of us had the energy to go shopping for food so we made do with what we had in the freezer. I ate a small piece of salmon with butternut squash, leeks, broccoli and rice. RICE! I used to eat rice two or three times a week and hadn't had any for seven weeks – it was great to have some again. I do like mashed potato, but I really am a bit fed up with it now!

However, the big changes were to come on Sunday after we had been shopping to re-stock the cupboards and fridge. I spent absolutely ages examining the calorie contents of crispbreads, ricecakes and cereal bars. We also bought loads of fruit and vegetables. When we got home I made my first, proper, solid food lunch for bandits: A mixed salad with lettuce, cherry tomatoes, red onion, chopped olives, yellow pepper and cucumber. This was mixed with soy sauce and coarse black pepper (which I put on everything!). I ate this with two Ryvita crispbreads laden with Light Philadelphia. It took me quite a while to eat this because I was doing so much chewing (certainly my jaws are getting plenty of exercise!). It was lovely – probably the nicest lunch I have had in ages. It made me realise just how much I am savouring every mouthful these days, instead of chucking it down my throat with hardly time for it touch the sides!

In the evening, I tried something new that I've never had before – scallops. I microwaved them, against the advice on the packaging, and they were absolutely delicious. Five large scallops 'cost' about 80 calories so are an excellent, low calorie, low fat and high protein food. I had the scallops with a couple of new potatoes, some brussel sprouts and a mixture of my favourite vegetable (which I haven't had for seven weeks) – mushrooms (a mixture of oyster, shitake and chestnut varieties). Fantastic – once again I savoured each mouthful and believe I really am re-learning how to eat.

We all take the act of 'eating' for granted. We learn how to do it when we are children, and then probably never really think about it ever again. Being a bandit has made me do a lot of thinking about it because we have to eat everything very slowly, and chew everything well. I really do believe that I am re-discovering the wonders of tasty food. For the first time in many years, I am starting to enjoy food again instead of taking it for granted and using it as a crutch. I do hope this will continue.

I think my Christmas period has been really successful. The one negative is that I have this ongoing fear that somehow it can't last – that sooner or later it will all go pear-shaped. I know I will try my hardest to continue with the progress I have made but more than that I cannot say. I wish sometimes, that I could see into the future – say one year – and see me in my body and see whether I managed to keep this weight loss up or not! But hey, I can't so I'll have to be patient!

Current weight 16 stones 10 pounds.
Starting weight 19 stones 7 pounds.

Boxing Day

Today, I was determined to consume a total calorie intake that was closer to my new 'norm'. In fact, I ate 1097 calories and walked 10,000 steps! Here's what I ate (calories in brackets):

Breakfast: 200 ml orange juice (85), 40g muesli and 100 ml soya milk (183).

Lunch: Weight To Go smoked haddock and potatoes (220).

Evening meal: Jacket potato (241 – a large one!), tuna (61), tomatoes (18) and Light Philadelphia (49).

Naughty desert: Small homemade mince pie (c.200) and 15 ml single cream (20).

The next day I saw on one of the forums some people bemoaning the fact that they had really 'blown it' over Christmas. Most were bandits with restriction at the 'sweet spot'. I find this intruiging because the band really should come into its own at times when our resolve goes out of the window – otherwise what is the point of it if its success relies totally on our willpower? I guess I will learn more about working with the band once I have some restriction myself. For now, I have no option but to rely on willpower until my first fill.

Christmas Day fortunes....

I hope you all had an enjoyable Christmas!

I started the day about 7.50am. I drank some water and then my husband and I went for an hours walk in Epping Forest. It was really lovely – a bright, crisp morning, not many people about, just a few dog-walkers and committed joggers – who were all very friendly! We got back home a little later than planned so I had to rush around to get ready in time for a 10am church service. This left no time for breakfast so I made do with orange juice and tea. My muesli breakfast didn’t happen until 11.30am. In retrospect, this was actually quite fortuitous because we didn’t have our dinner until about 4pm! For dinner, I ‘measured’ my food onto a 7-inch side plate and then transferred it to a bigger plate and spread it around a bit so my small portions wouldn’t be quite so obvious! I ate a very small piece of salmon (being a veggie, turkey is not my thing!), mixed roasted vegetables (aubergine, courgette, celery, carrot, leeks), two small roast potatoes, one piece of roasted parsnip and a Yorkshire pudding. I also had thin vegetable gravy. It was absolutely gorgeous. Particularly the pudding and parsnips. Despite sticking to my small portions I was stuffed by the time we finished!

About an hour later I had a desert spoonful of trifle – this being my Christmas day treat.

I’m not a big drinker of alcohol so cutting back on wine etc is not really a problem for me. I had a very small glass of champagne – largely to please my hosts! I got half way through it and then disgusted them all by topping it up with sugar-free Ribena!

Later in the evening we ate a light supper of salad and sausage rolls (one cheese and onion roll in my case!). I was very restrained except for finishing it all off with a piece of my Dad''s christmas cake (he made it himself so I wanted to taste it) – it was lovely actually, and I was impressed with his new-found culinary skills.

So, all in all, I ate about 1500 calories on Christmas day, although I walked off about 500 calories in the morning. I'm really quite pleased with the fact that although I went over my normal calorie limit, I didn't competely blow it – I managed to keep some restraint.

My secret is out!

But first, happy Christmas! I hope you are all having an enjoyable and peaceful time. I’m spending Christmas with my Dad and the rest of the family. We’re having a good time. We had a lovely Christmas dinner today and are currently sitting around chatting. Yesterday was interesting….

Shortly after arriving, Dad brought up the subject of what I was going to eat for Christmas dinner – I had mentioned a week or two ago that I was ‘on a diet’ – in an effort to ensure that he didn’t go out and buy loads of extra food for me! His partner explained how she had been on a diet herself and lost 18 lbs, and then we got into a detailed conversation about dieting. Then the questions flew – what kind of diet was I on, how many calories a day could I have, what types of food was I allowed to eat, how much had I lost, what weight was I to start with, what made me decide to go on a diet, what is my target weight….and on and on! Some of the questions got a bit awkward – like “do you meet your weight loss people once a week?” – and my evasive answers started to arouse some suspicion! I then got talking about the fact that coming to the end of a period of deep depression had been the trigger for me to start ‘dieting’ – and at that point, I thought ‘Oh to hell with it – I’ve gone so far down the line of telling them private stuff I might as well tell them the complete story’. So I did.

I just came out with it and said I’d decided that a radical approach to weight loss was necessary, and I’d decided to go for surgery. At that point, Dad’s partner mouthed ‘band’ just as I said it out loud. She knew quite a bit about it already but I had to explain quite a lot of the details to Dad as he hadn’t heard of it before. I told them how I came to find out about Healthier Weight, I told them about the surgery itself (though my Dad has had so many operations he wasn’t very impressed with my scar!!), and I told them about the long term outlook, my new eating habits etc. They took it all in their stride and said they wouldn’t say anything to the rest of my family. They were remarkably calm and comfortable with the whole thing – I was quite surprised. They seemed to be very understanding as well and revealed the fact that they had been quite concerned about my weight for some time. In fact, my Dad said in his own inimitable way that he didn’t want to outlive any of his four children, but that if he did, I was “at the top of his list…”. So, all in all, I think they were actually quite pleased that I was doing something, anything, about my weight.

So there you go, there are now four people who know me who also know my secret.

Woopee! Another barrier passed!

I went below 17 stone for the first time today in about ten years! I'm 16 stone 12 lbs, so that's about 2 stone and 9 lbs lost since the end of October and 2 stone 6lbs since the pre-op diet! I was getting a little frustrated because I seemed to stick at 17 stone and 1 or 2 lbs for ages, but at last its gone. I think I'm losing the weight from several places - I know my tummy is smaller. My husband says he can get his arms around me to hug me a lot easier now! Unfortunately, although I can just about get my salopettes on and zipped up, they are still too tight and I fear I won't be able to fit into them comfortably enough to ski in a couple of weeks time.

I'm obviously really pleased with my progress so far, though I have to say that it is largely down to my own willpower and support from my husband - the band isn't giving any restriction at the moment as I haven't had a fill. I thought about this the other day and wondered, if I'd known beforehand that you essentially have to 'diet' in the conventional way for at least two or three months before getting any 'help' from the band - would I have gone ahead with it? The answer is yes, because knowing the band is there, and that I must not stretch my pouch, is a good incentive to diet effectively. So, funnily enough, is the £8000 I spent on the surgery!!!

I am pleased, as I said, but also slightly anxious that I might stray over Christmas. I know the odd mince pie won't be a disaster or anything, I'm more concerned that one mince pie will get me quickly back and hooked onto sugary, fatty food. Much like a recovering alcoholic can immediately go bananas with the drink after having just one - that might happen to me with food. I'm determined not to let it - and I've asked my husband to be watchful and help me resist if I need it. Here's to an enjoyable and successful Christmas!

Dehydrated...?

Today, I saw my GPs practice nurse for the second time in a month to get my urine and blood pressure tested. She tested them both three weeks ago and wasn't happy so asked me to return. My blood pressure is low (100/60) - it's usually normal (about 120/80). Also, for the second time, I have a high level of ketones in my urine. Now, this can be serious, if coupled with a high blood sugar level - but that is normal. The nurse originally thought the high ketone level was due to dehydration, but I told her I've been drinking 2.0 to 2.5 litres a day (which is what I've been advised). Now she's unsure and thinks it might be something to do with my diet. She asked me to come back again for a urine test when I am back on a 'normal' diet. The problem is, I am not sure what 'normal' means anymore! In terms of nutritional balance, my diet is already normal - I am eating a fairly good balance of carbohydrates, proteins and fruit and vegetables (albeit, some of these are mashed!). In terms of volume, my diet may never be 'normal' again.

I've emailed the nurse at Healthier Weight for advice, and I'll post again if I learn anything from that. But in the meantime I have been searching on the Internet for clues. Here's what I found:

Low blood pressure: This is not a problem if its not serious and it needs to be about 90/60 to be serious. The symptoms include light-headedness and dizziness - I get both of these, especially if I suddenly stand up or turn around. The causes include dehydration.

High ketones in the urine: I won't bore you with the scientific details, but ketone is produced by the body when the body is digesting its own fat. It is also a bi-product of dehydration. A web page about the Atkins diet talks about deliberately inducing ketosis (high ketone levels) as a means of burning more fat and less muscle - when on a high protein, low carbohydrate diet.

So, from this information, it seems that dehydration is still a possibility, even though I am consuming 2-2.5 litres a day. But in addition, it may be that the relatively low amounts of carbohydrate I am consuming (compared to what I used to eat), and the fact that I am using a lot of energy in exercise and losing weight - could all contribute to high ketone levels. Whatever, it doesn't appear that it is a serious problem. I am going to try and increase my daily fluid intake to a minimum of 2.5 litres - and ideally aim for 3 litres. If the high ketone is an indication that my body is burning its own fat, well I don't have a problem with that!

Falling over - twice!

Since first taking the decision to get banded, I have not told anyone about it apart from my husband. Since getting banded four weeks ago, I have lost two stones in weight and have dropped from a size 24 to 22. I have lost weight around my face, shoulders, boobs and waist. Nobody that I know has made any comment about me losing weight - until today! We had just arrived home after an afternoon walk and as we drove up to the house, saw both our neighbours chatting next door. We went over to them to join in the chat and one of them (a man, no less!) took one look at me and without missing a beat said "Theresa, you've lost weight!". Well, I nearly fell over. This was the second time in one day I had nearly fallen over. What a lovely feeling it is to have someone notice that you've lost weight. I walked into the house more or less floating on air - and with a grin that would do a Cheshire cat proud!

The first time I nearly fell over today happened in church. After the service, I was chatting to a couple of elderly ladies, Margaret and Eve. Eve said that there was going to be a buffet lunch at our other building today, and asked if I was going. I said I wasn't, but being kind, she tried to persuade me to go along. I knew I couldn't go because I am still on pureed foods - and also I didn't want to be tempted by any 'nice' Christmassy food. So, in an attempt to put a stop to her persuasive powers, I just casually said "I'm on a diet". Continuing with the washing up, and not even looking at me as she said it, Eve just as casually asked "have you got a band?".

That was when I nearly fell over.

Eve is about 80 years of age. Now don't get me wrong, she is a lovely, bright, intelligent person. But I didn't realise that 80 year olds had even heard of the band! After a moment's silence (I was trying to think of how to respond), I said, as nonchalantly as I could muster, "what made you ask that?". Eve said that she'd remembered how, a few weeks ago, when she'd asked what surgery I'd had, I'd replied that I didn't want to say at this stage. She said she'd been reading about the band (!) and that when I'd said I was on a diet she'd put two and two together!! (this has got me wondering has anyone I know else put two and two together....?)

What an amazingly observant and perceptive lady! Anyway, I knew I wasn't going to get away with fibbing so I leaned over and whispered in her ear "yes, I've got a band". So, a new era has begun - there are now two people in the whole world (apart from all of you and all the medical staff, and the people at the support group.....!) who know I have a band. I suppose what I mean is, there are two peeople who KNOW me, who know I have a band. Knowing Eve, and the lovely lady that she is, I feel strangely comforted to know that she knows.

Support group

I went to my first Healthier Weight support group meeting today, in Manchester. There were about 12 bandits (and two bypasses) there - mainly women but there were three men too. The first part of the two hours was a slightly more formal presentation led by the dietitian, Stuart. This was all about how to survive the Christmas period! The main two lessons from this were:

1. Keep a daily food and activity diary. I was quite impressed with a scientific study presented where two groups of bandits were monitored for about 10 weeks including the Christmas period. Both groups were told to continue with their eating as normal - not to do anything different. One group were also asked to keep a detailed diary of food intake and energy expenditure (walking etc) for the 10-week period - and the other group were not. The results showed that the group who kept a diary continued to lose weight over the Christmas period while the other group gained weight. Only two or three weeks post-Christmas, there was a 5lb difference between the two groups. It's amazing how effective the simple act of keeping a diary can be.

2. Plan ahead. Plan what you are going to eat and when. Think ahead about how you might deal with certain situations that might arise over Christmas. Examples include - how to deal with all the post-Christmas surplus of mince pies, cakes an chocolates? Well, you could simply buy less to start with; you could give it away; you could buy your own 'treats' (eg mini mince pies, low fat goodies). Also, how will you deal with relatives telling you "go on, eat some more, a little more won't hurt...." - you know the kind of thing. Well, we all know our own relatives and have our own ways of dealing with situations like this so it's not easy to prescribe a standard formula. However, the message was, the important thing is to have thought about this situation beforehand and have a solution at the ready.

The general message was that while we should enjoy Christmas like everyone else, and we are 'allowed' to have some treats - dont over do it, plan ahead and record everything we eat. The message was also given that even if Christmas is a dieting disaster - it is only one day out of 365 so don't get too despondent if things go wrong.

The second part of the support group session was a general discussion, question and answer time, an opportunity to obtain guidance from Dr Ashton, the Medical Director of HW. I found this part very useful. I'm not sure I really learnt much that I didn't already know, but I got a great deal of affirmation - that I'm generally doing things right. I was reminded about a couple of things that I should keep a check on. I was also reminded of the general philosophy, if you don't feel hungry, don't eat! So what were these gems? Here are a few.

1. Make sure high fat and sugar food are not left in tempting places. I came straight home and kindly reminded my husband to close the mince pie box and put it 'out of sight' in the cupboard! Most of the time I feel strong enough to resist the temptation, but sometimes I don't - and it's on those occasions I don't want to be faced with a nice juicy box of mince pies wating to be devoured!

2. Exercise is the key to successful weight loss. While it is difficult to fit in more than an hour a day to walk, go to the gym or similar, it is usually possible to fit in extra walks within the normal structure of my day. I've been doing this a bit but 'could do better'! For instance, I could park further away from work so I have further to walk to get into the building. I could also get into the habit of going for a short walk at lunchtime. I always make the excuse that I don't have time for this. But let's face it, if I die young because I'm obese, I'm not going to have time for anything, am I?

3. Not all solid food is the same, when it comes to giving a 'full' feeling. I asked about why it is that if we have to chew everything to death before swallowing, some things 'slip through' into our main stomach, while others sit there and give us a full feeling. The answer is, in layman's terms, because food like crisps, biscuits and crackers, although they are 'hard' food, have a lot of fat in them. When they are chewed, the fat separates and makes the chewed food essentially 'melt' so that it passes straight through the band - much like chocolate, ice cream or soft foods. Other hard foods such as Weetabix and crispbreads, have very little fat and so retain enough solid structure that they don't 'melt' and pass through - instead they sit in our pouch making us feel full.

4. Plan ahead. As you know, if you've been reading my blog, I've already done a lot of forward thinking about Christmas and some of the possible situations I may face because my family don't yet know I have been banded. I chatted to some of the people at the support group about this and they seem to be of the opinion that it might be best not to tell them yet - I may get a lot of hassle about what I am eating, why I am eating, how I am eating etc etc - and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I've chatted to my husband about it again and I think I may just tell my brother and no-one else at this stage - I'll just tell them I'm on some sort of weird diet that requires me to eat slowly and chew everything to death!!

5. Keep a food and activity diary. I'm already doing this but have been reminded of how important it is. I'm going to produce a self-styled proforma that I fill in every day. Once I've produced it I'll make a copy available on this blog for anyone else that wants to use it.

I'm sure I'll think of other things but they'll have to be the subject of later postings as I need to start preparing some food for the evening!! Ta ta for now.

One month to first fill

I have a definite date for my first fill - 19th January. It seems a long way off right now but I hope the time will pass quickly. I'm anxious to move on from this temporary state of affairs to a situation where my band is actually doing the work. At the moment I guess I am doing most of the work in terms of trying to eat sensibly, eat slowly, chew a lot and eat small portions. Once I have some real restriction in my band that should help to deal with any hunger. Though I must confess I am not really finding it very hard at all at the moment. I am still eating about 850-950 calories most days and finding that quite comfortable.

I've been reading the material I was sent about the fill process and getting an x-ray. I have to drink barium, a chalky white fluid, as this shows up on the x-ray and allows the doctor to see how much restriction the band is giving. Apparently I will be able to see the x-ray myself as it is produced, so will be able to see the band and port inside me! How weird is that going to be! Once they have put some saline into my band, via a large needle (!), I will then be asked to drink some water to make sure it goes down OK without any problems. I have read a few horror stories on some of the forums about people who've really struggled to even drink water for several days after a fill - I guess these have had their fills done by less than careful providers. In this respect, I really do feel every confidence in Healthier Weight and have no concerns about them doing the job properly. They have been really excellent at giving me all the information I need at every step of the way.

I have my very first meeting of the HW Support Group in Manchester tomorrow - I'll post when I get back and tell you what is was like. I really have absolutely no idea what's it's going to be like - how many people, or what we'll actually do for two hours.....!

Chocolate temptations

At work today, someone very kindly bought me a large box of 'Celebrations' chocolates for Christmas! I accepted them of course, I couldn't very well say "no thank you, I'm on a diet"! I must confess to feeling a little panicky at first, sitting at my desk staring at a large box of forbidden delights. I didn't really know what to do with them and after an hour or so, of trying my best to ignore them, I succumbed. OK, it wasn't a disaster, I only ate one. I felt a little annoyed with myself after, not because I had 'blown' my daily calorie intake or anything, but just for giving in so easily at the first real temptation.

It makes me wonder how I am going to manage over Christmas and over the next few weeks before I get my first fill. Although I have a band, it is not filled at the moment and I have no restriction. Therefore, my daily eating is being controlled largely by willpower alone - and you've clearly seen from today's slip-up that I do not have much of that. Although I have generally been doing very well, I am nevertheless quite anxious about whether I will be able to hold my nerve and keep going with healthy eating until my first fill.

Anyway, I brought the chocolates home and am going to give them to my husband to hide somewhere! I'll take them to my family when we visit over Christmas and leave them there for others to enjoy!

Reaching a plateau

My husband and I looked at the weather forecast for today (very cold but dry and sunny) and decided to go for a walk in the hills! I'm trying to get fitter so this would help on the route to that goal. I took the day off work and we set off early for the Peak District (in northern England). We took a walk up onto Kinderscout - near the start of the Pennine Way. We had a wonderful, but very tiring day. We walked about 10 miles but it was a hard 10 miles. Kinderscout is a high (600m) peaty plateau - much of the ground is waterlogged and covered with eroded peat hags. There was also a lot of snow lying on the ground. This meant every step was an effort. Some steps involved a huge effort in dragging feet, ankles and calves (!) out of deep mud and peat.

The result was, a very long and tiring day. My pedometer recorded nearly 20,000 steps and 1,040 calories burned! I got really exhausted at one point. I decided this was partly down to the poor choice of food I'd taken with me. I thought that I would need some hefty carbohydrates so took some baked beans, chick peas and sardines with me (cold, of course). However, these are 'complex' carbohydrates and take some time to digest and provide energy to the body. I also found this food unappetising when eaten cold, on a cold, windy hillside! The only thing I could eat that provided some 'instant' energy was Dextrosol tablets - and I ate two-thirds of a pack! It was just as well I had them with me as I think I would have had serious problems getting down from the moor otherwise.......

I am sitting at home now, having had a refreshing shower and lots of drinks. My legs have a warm tingly feeling that I expect to turn into muscle aches by tomorrow! I have eaten some nice food (ocean pie and peas) and feel very satisfied with myself at completing such a challenging walk so early on in my post-op period. I know I wouldn't have been able to do such a walk when I weighed two-and-a-half stone heavier. I'm making progress and learning lots of useful lessons on the way.

What kind of dresser will I be?

I tried on a pair of cotton leggings today that I bought years ago and have never fit into! I got them on - though they are still a little tight to wear comfortably. These leggings are really wacky - bright orange and black patterns, with ties at the bottom of the legs as well as round the waist. I remember seeing them in an outdoor shop - they're the kind of loose, baggy 'pants' worn by climbers when they're chilling out in the bar in the evening. I saw them (the pants, not the climbers!), fell in love with them, and bought them even though I couldn't quite get them on - and they've stayed in the wardrobe ever since. About another 7lbs, I reckon, and I'll be able to wear them. Can't wait, I love them.

It got me thinking that I haven't actually worn clothes that I've really liked for at least 15 years. For all that time I've simply had to buy what fit - and that's usually been men's clothes, Evans' garish 'middle-aged woman' outfits, and anything baggy and elasticated. But before that, especially in my late teens and twenties, I was quite a wacky dresser! I used to love wearing clothes that were, well, different! Individual! I had a check jacket that I wore so much it eventually fell to pieces - it was pale blue, pale green and pink with a pink lining! Sounds awful but it was my pride and joy.

I'm wondering, if, and when, I lose loads of weight and start to be able to buy 'normal' clothes - ie from 'normal' clothes shops - what kind of dresser will I be - now, in my 40's? The short answer is that I don't know. I guess that when that time arrives and I can start to shop for new clothes, I will, for the first time in years, actually be able to choose clothes that I like. I suppose I will just buy what takes my fancy at the time.

The exercise roller coaster

According to my provider, I should be working towards walking 5-6,000 steps per day by the time I finish the puree phase and towards 10,000 steps per day once I am three weeks into the 'normal' food phase. In practice, my daily exercise is something of a roller coaster! I've been wearing my Digiwalker pedometer (available from Weight To Go for about £23) every day - and one day it will read only about 3-4,000 steps, and another day it's over 6 or 7,000! Most of this is achieved by walking around at work - I've been trying to deliberately fit short amounts of walking in, like parking my car further away from my building than I need to so I have further to walk to get to my office! I've also been taking the 'long way round' when I have to move from place to place within my building! At the weekends when I get more time to walk, I can usually get in a couple of hours walk at least. Yesterday, I walked nearly 12,000 steps - on a lovely walk up Winter Hill in the Pennines (near Rivington for north westerners among you!). When I work out the average number of steps over the course of a week it's currently coming to about 5,500 typically. Given that I am supposed to increase this to more like 10,000 steps per day in a few weeks time I have a lot more walking to do.

I am not really sure how I am going to achieve this - because of the time factor. It actually takes quite a long time to walk 10,000 steps - it's the equivalent of about 7,000m or 7km, or 4 miles. If you walk briskly, this should be achieved in about 1h 20 minutes. However, if you're anything like me - walking briskly will produce quite a sweat - so you have to factor in the time it takes to change into some 'walking' clothes, have the walk, and have a shower and get changed when you get back! In practice, this kind of walk would take a couple of hours. I don't know about anybody else, but seriously, I will find it impossible to find this amount of time on a daily basis.

So what are the alternatives? Well, I am thinking of going back to swimming once or twice a week to provide some equivalent activity to 'steps'. I also have a mini stepper and might take to doing a bit of stepping while I'm watching the TV in the evening! One other option I haven't really explored yet, and that's using the stairs at work....... I think I would use the stairs more often if I was on the second or third floor - but I'm on the fourth - which is a bit more of a challenge.

Talking of which, I have only done 3,600 so far today so I have another challenge already - to increase to a more respectable level before I go to bed!!! Perhaps I should march on the spot while I'm cooking my dinner!! Ha ha! Hup two, three, four, hup two, three, four.....

£200 saved so far!

I got a bank statement the other day and it got me thinking about how much I normally spend on food (I mean lunches, snacks, chocolate and drinks - not the weekly shop). I've not had to get any money from the bank since I started the pre-op diet five weeks ago! There's money in my wallet and the amount has hardly gone down! I've never accurately calculated how much money I spend each day on food, but on a typical work day, I reckon its about £8. This means, not counting any I spend on food at the weekend, I usually spend £40 per week on food - that amounts to somewhere in the region of £2000 per year! Wow! So, since I started on my pre-op diet five weeks ago I've saved £200. I'm thinking now that if all goes well and continues like this, my bank balance will look significantly more healthy in one year's time. I ought to put some of that saved money aside and use it in a year to spend on ME as a sort of reward for losing weight (assuming I do!). Mmm, now I'll have to think what kind of reward I want for a couple of grand!

I have also given some thought to what my husband and I are spending on our typical weekly shop. Since I started on pureed foods I have bought a few things I wouldn't normally buy - such as pre-prepared cottage pie, ready made mashed potato (Tesco Light Chioces) and similar. but even so, we are buying MUCH less food than we ever have before. In the past, we'd buy loads of fresh vegetables, cheese, potatoes, bread etc, but now are only purchasing a fraction of that as I eat such small portions these days!

When looked at this way, the £8000 spent on the surgery itself is put into perspective. Yes, it's a lot of money, but then again, IF all goes according to plan, I suspect that I will recoup all of that in two or three years!

Reflections on puree week 1

I have finished posting my daily pureed food menus for now - though I'll post my daily menu again if I eat anything particularly interesting (or problematic)! Over the past week I've made one or two useful food 'discoveries'. The first one that springs to mind is the Weight To Go smoked haddock and potato meal I had yesterday. This is 300g, so quite filling, and just 220 calories. This meal is absolutely delicious. The meal provides plenty of carbohydrates and protein, and can be completed with a portion of mashed vegetables. Despite its hefty price tag (£2.99), I have today, ordered five more of these! Another discovery was the vegetarian cottage pie from Tesco. It's 400g and is suitable for two meals at 175 each. I think it was £1.79. I've also bought three of these today and will be putting a couple of them in the freezer.

This week has been challenging in terms of dealing with food preparation, eating and meal times at work. At home, everything is fine because, I guess, I am in control. But at work, I have a whole range of demands on my time - some known well in advance, and others that come up at the last minute - so it's not always easy to predict what I will be doing, at what time - and indeed, where. To help with this, I have been trying to do as much food preparation at home as possible. I've been accumulating some Klip Lock (or something like that) storage containers from Tesco. They are dead cheap and come in a wide range of shapes and sizes. I've got some that are 400ml and ideal for transporting small meals to work for lunch etc. I also have a round 240ml container that's ideal for heating up low fat creamed rice. I've been taking my breakfast to work and preparing and eating it there - so a beaker of orange juice, beaker with soya milk and a packet of Oatso Simple porridge.

A word of warning about porridge though - after several experiments I can now tell you that if cooking in the microwave, use a proper, china bowl. Thin, plastic storage containers, although designed for microwave use, allow heat exchange much more rapidly than thick china and so you are much more likely to get a microwave explosion (I've had at least two this week). As soon as I started using a china bowl the explosive activity stopped!

Calorie, Carb and Fat Bible 2009

I bought this book from Amazon a couple of weeks ago for £8.44. It is given reasonable reviews. The only downside remarked on by the reviewers is the fact that although very comprehensive, the listings are 95% prepared foods. However, although this is indeed the case, I haven't yet had any difficulties finding any fresh food - and as a vegetarian I do tend to eat more unusual vegetables than most. One slightly odd thing is that butternut squash is listed under 'squash' (an American term) alongside orange squash and the like. However, there is a prepared butternut squash meal listed under 'butternut'!

The book lists thousands of food items and for each, gives calories for a typical portion and also for 100g. It also gives carbohydrates, fat and proteins. It has certainly become my calorie bible - I haven't found an equivalent book anywhere. The book is regularly updated (the latest version is for 2009 products). It is written by Juliette Kellow, Lyndel Costain and Rebecca Walton. The link above takes you to the Amazon page where you can buy it.

More thoughts on 'doing' Christmas

I've been thinking more about telling my family about my gastric band surgery. I'm definitely going to do it - at Christmas. I'm not going to tell them all together - I'll talk to them in ones and twos! This is because I cannot face having to tell seven people all at once.

I know I keep going on about this but I really am quite nervous about talking to anyone about it. My husband is still the only person who knows apart from the medical staff. I am not, and never have been, very comfortable about expressing my emotions verbally (perhaps that's why I'm writing a blog - this feels 'safe'). I also have no real idea at how people will react and how it may, or may not, change their perceptions of me. Logically speaking, I should not care what people think of me - I guess I have low self esteem. However, 20+ years of obesity tends to do that to a person!

On the topic of Christmas, I'm staying at my Dad's. It has already occurred to me that I may have to take a suitcase with me! I will need to take my kitchen scales, loads of plastic bottles and tubs to keep food in, packets and tins of soup, my calorie bible, and quite a bit of suitable food etc etc.

Ah well, as my Mum used to say; "tell the truth and shame the Devil!".

Pureed Foods: Day Seven

Here's what I ate today (calories in brackets):

Breakfast: 200ml fresh orange juice (85), Oatso Simple porridge (65) with soya milk (35)

Lunch: Low sugar Ribena (20), Weight To Go smoked haddock and potato (220) - absolutely delicious!

Early tea: Weight Watchers mushroom soup (85) and fromage frais (65), two mints (20), low sugar apple drink (10)

Dinner: Weight Watchers ocean pie (205), mashed butternut squash (64) with extra light Philadelphia (44), half a mashed courgette (6)

Supper: One mint (10)

Total calories for the day = 924 - sounds relatively high for recent days but I walked 7000 steps today.....!

Pureed Foods: Day Six

Here's what I ate today (calories in brackets):

Breakfast: 200ml fresh orange juice (85), Oatso Simple porridge (65) with soya milk (35)

Lunch: Low sugar Ribena (20), Tesco Light Options moroccan couscous (180)

Early tea: Ambrosia low fat creamed rice (123)

Dinner: Mashed potato (100), mashed buttenut squash (72), Youngs cod in butter sauce (104), vegetable gravy (6)

Supper: Weight Watchers low fat fromage frais (65)

Total calories for the day = 855

More about portion sizes

I spoke to my dietician today and got some more advice on portion sizes for the pureed food phase. My provider advises me to eat 3-6 tablespoons of food per meal and I’d been wondering ‘how much food can you get on a tablespoon?’ – and ‘should this be a flat tablespoon or a heaped tablespoon?!’. Anyway, he said that first, I shouldn’t get too worried about portion size as long as I stick to the five 'rules':

1. Aim for 1000-1200 calories per day
2. Use a 7-inch side plate to eat from
3. Eat slowly
4. Chew everything well before swallowing
5. As soon as you are full – stop eating

Having said that, he estimated that a tablespoon of food could be anywhere between 40 and 70g depending on what it is – these are clearly fairly heaped tablespoons by my calculations! For further clarification, I asked if a Weight Watcher’s ocean pie (300g) was about the right size for an evening meal. He not only said 'yes' but also suggested I might have it together with some mashed vegetables! Well that’s great because that’s about the size of main meal I’ve been having. He made a few other suggestions for what to eat:

Breakfast: 1½ Weetabix OR 1 packet of Oatso Simple porridge (I’ve been having half a pack) OR one scrambled egg

Mid-morning (if hungry): A yoghurt or Muller Rice

Lunch: Baked beans OR a tin of soup OR a small piece of mashed fish OR a tin of salmon or tuna

He said that if I get hungry, reconsider the timing of my meals and perhaps go for 4-5 small meals per day rather than 3 larger meals. For instance, I could split my main meal into two and have each half a couple of hours apart. Alternately, if I get hungry late afternoon I could have a Muller Rice, yoghurt or mashed-up banana.

This all sounds excellent because it’s fairly similar to what I have been doing and it’s nice to get that reassurance!

Pureed Foods: Day Five

Here's what I ate today (calories in brackets):

Breakfast: 200ml fresh orange juice (85), Oatso Simple porridge (65) with soya milk (36)

Lunch: Low sugar Ribena (20), four soft mints (40)

Late lunch: 55g skinless salmon (120), mashed potato (64), Philadelphia Extra Light (18), Tesco cauliflower in sauce (51), gravy (3)

Tea: Weight Watchers ocean pie (205), Tesco tinned garden peas (50)

Supper: Tesco Healthy Living fromage frais (65)

Total calories for the day = 822

Pureed Foods: Day Four

Here's what I ate today (Tuesday 9th December - but posted the morning after because I had trouble with my Internet connection last night) (calories in brackets):

Breakfast: 200ml fresh orange juice (85), Oatso Simple porridge with soya milk (101)

Lunch: 150g Weight To Go spicy vegetable dahl (111) low sugar Ribena (20)

Late lunch: Banana and milk drink (126)

Tea: 150g Weight To Go spicy vegetable dahl (111), strawberry puree with sugar (59), meringue case (55) and Weight Watchers yoghurt (50)

Late supper: 60g skinless salmon (130), scrambled egg (85) with a little milk (15)

Total calories for the day = 948

How am I going to 'do' Christmas?

OK, here’s the problem. My Dad, completely out of the blue – entirely unexpected, has invited all of the family to his for Christmas. This will be great - it will be lovely to get all the family together over Christmas because we haven’t done this in a while. My husband and I will probably spend four days and three nights staying with Dad – so there’ll be quite a few ‘eating opportunities’ (I mean meals really). The picture shows Christmas dinner for hubby from a couple of years ago - the meaty thing is actually a quail - so much smaller than it looks!

“So where’s the problem?” I hear you ask. Well, since 15th November (Band Day), I have been cleverly avoiding any possibility of eating ‘in public’. I have done all of my eating either at home or behind closed doors in my office at work. I’ve avoided the work canteen. I’ve surreptitiously hidden my communion bread in my pocket at church!! I even turned down a Christmas party invitation last weekend in case anyone noticed I wasn’t eating!

So, picture the scene. The whole family are sat down, about to tuck into their Christmas dinner. The plates are piled high, as is the custom in our family for Christmas dinner (if you don’t feel completely stuffed afterwards you haven’t enjoyed yourself enough!!). Theresa, on the other hand, is eating from a 7-inch side plate, adorned with some mashed swede, mashed roast potatoes and a tiny piece of soft cooked salmon (see – I had it all planned out!!). Judging from my current practice, I don’t think the size of the meal will be a problem for me because I’ve been jogging along eating small meals quite happily for a while now. However, members of my immediate family are likely to notice - in the past, I have regularly been one of the few to completely clean my plate. It hasn’t been unknown for me, after dinner, to immediately demand “OK, done that, now where’s the trifle?”. So, even accounting for the after-effects of a little pre-meal wine, I think my family will think my new eating habits a tad odd.

So, what do I say? I could go down the ‘I’m on a diet’ route but my family know me too well – they know that dieting has never before got in the way of a good Christmas nosh-up. I could perhaps try avoiding eating in front of them – but this is really not practical at Christmas without a lot of lies. I could try to come up with a whole series of other lies to cover up but I’d really rather not do that – I’d also be forcing my husband into a conspiracy which would not be a nice thing to do to him. I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that I’ll have no choice but to tell them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Aaaaggghhhhh.

In an early post (‘I’m keeping mum’), I said that the reasons for NOT telling anyone I’d had gastric band surgery were (a) it means I don’t have to openly discuss things that are very private to me, (b) my family and friends might try to talk me out of it, and (c) there’s a lot of misconception about what gastric surgery is – some people think it is ‘cheating’. As far as Christmas is concerned, reason (b) is now superfluous – I’ve had it done and there’s no turning back now! I’m also less concerned about (c) with my family because I’ll have time to explain everything to them. However, I still have significant reservations about (a).

I’ve never found it easy talking about my weight. I can imagine myself addressing a support group at ‘Overeaters Anonymous’ and saying “my name is Theresa, and I’m an overeater”!! – and I cringe at the thought. I find it even more difficult talking to my Dad about it because he was always about as subtle as a bull in a china shop when it came to me dieting and losing weight – if I went on a diet, as soon as he saw me eat anything (even a raw carrot) his predictable retort was “I thought you were on a diet?”. I suppose the thing at the heart of all this is that I don’t want to feel vulnerable. I don’t want people constantly asking about the band, how it’s going, what I feel about it and other penetrating questions. I also think I would find it very difficult to tell them all together, not least because there will be a couple of ‘partners’ there who I would feel very embarrassed about talking to in this way.

I wish I could end this post with a definite decision – but I can’t yet. I still think I’ll have little option but to tell the family, but I haven’t begun to work out how I will do this or what I will say. If you have any advice for me or any comparable experiences to share I’d be very grateful for a posted comment. Thanks.

Follow up to "What to say when asked?"

I added a post a week or two ago entitled ‘What to Say When Asked’. I just got a really interesting and complementary comment from LondonGuy25, who says:

“I told everyone I had my appendix out. This was fine until someone said to me today "Oh I had that done too, take it easy!" luckily it was via email, so there were no follow-up questions, but I dread to think what I would have had to say in response if it was face to face :) Please please don't stop writing your blog.. I was done exactly 14 days after you, and it is a great help reading it. And I am sure there are loads of others pre and post op who feel the same. Also, has anyone ever said you are a very talented writer? Anyway, enough! byeee x”

Here was my reply: Wow! That's the first time I've heard of a bandit saying they'd had their appendix out! I just said I was having 'minor surgery' (not quite as minor as I'd thought, in hindsight). A few people at work have probed and tried to find out what I had done - but I just said 'I'm not saying'!

Thank you SOooooo much for your kind words on my blog and writing 'talent'. I watch the counter going up every day, so I know there's someone out there reading - but it's not the same as having someone like you actually say you like it, and keep doing it. Thank you VERY much! I will continue to write and I hope it helps you in some small way to deal with the daily ups and downs of being a bandit.

This is so important I'm going to post it, and your comment, as a separate post.....

Hungry today

I don't know whether it all started with the porridge or what.....

I was looking forward to my breakfast of orange juice and porridge (not mixed, ha ha!). However, I took my eye off the microwave for a minute and ended up with a porridge explosion! It took me ages to clean it all up and all I got, in the end, was a tiny bit of edible porridge left for breakfast! Anyway, that was at 8am and by noon I was starving. I ate two soups, one at noon and a second a couple of hours later. But I was still hungry so followed that soon after with a yoghurt.

Getting home from work at 5pm I was still hungry and ate a pot of low fat creamed rice. Only then did I finally feel satisfied! This is a new post-op experience because I haven't really felt any serious hunger at all since before surgery. I don't know whether this is a sign of things to come, or because I had such a meagre breakfast, or maybe I didn't eat enough yesterday. It could simply be that my body was craving carbohydrates - the two soups I had were a bit limp in that respect. Anyway, I've previously posted a couple of times on my concern at not eating enough so I can't have it both ways! Today I topped 900 calories for the first time in weeks.

Pureed Foods: Day Three

Here's what I ate today (calories in brackets):

Breakfast: 200ml fresh orange juice (85), Actimel (85), a tiny portion of Oatso Simple porridge with soya milk – on account of a microwave porridge explosion! (55)

Lunch: 295g Weight Watchers carrot and lentil soup (86), low sugar Ribena (20)

Late lunch: 295g Weight Watchers tomato soup (75), Weight Watchers yoghurt (50)

Tea: 300ml hot chocolate (40), one soft mint (10), individual pot of Ambrosia low fat creamed rice (123)

Supper: 65g skinless salmon (140), mashed potato (64), Philadelphia Extra Light (18), Tesco cauliflower in sauce (61), gravy (3)

Total calories for the day = 915

Surgery scars and procedures

I posted this image because this is the first one I've found on the web that accurately shows how I got my scars during surgery! The various cameras and things inserted are in exactly the same position as my scars. The only that's a little different is the access port which here, is shown further to the right than mine. Mine sits in between the two holes on the bottom right. .....I think, or is the port entry the one that is second on the right (it's hard to tell from this image).

If you click on the link above, this will take you to a You Tube video of the surgery actually taking place. It's fascinating, in a gory sort of way. Not to be recommended if you're thinking about having the surgery - wait till afterwards!! I must confess, the way it is explained to you it all sounds very straightforward and easy. But the video suggests there's a lot more disturbance too your internal tissues than you might expect.......

Why can't I eat more?

Well that might seem like an obvious question, but what I really mean, is why am I struggling to consume more than about 700 calories a day? I was advised to aim for about 1000, with 1200 as a top limit - and I'm not even getting close to the lower limit. Take today for instance. It's 9.30pm in the evening and I genuinely am feeling quite full. I had a very filling low fat creamed rice for breakfast, a cottage pie for lunch and a three part evening meal (salmon, butternut squash and cauliflower) - the first time I've managed a three-part meal since pre-op times. I don't really see how I could have eaten more than this without increasing the volume of each meal. I am not supposed to do this because it can stretch the newly created stomach pouch.

I am genuinely confused about this. I need to speak to my dietician about portion size and calories etc. When I have some more light to shed on this I'll post an update.

Pureed Foods: Day Two

Here's what I ate today (calories in brackets):

Breakfast: 200ml fresh orange juice (85), individual pot of Ambrosia low fat creamed rice (123)

Lunch: ½ Tesco vegetarian cottage pie (175)

Tea: 300ml low fat hot chocolate (40), one soft mint (10)

Supper: 75g skinless salmon (152), mashed butternut squash (54), mashed cauliflower (40), gravy (6)

Total calories for the day = 683

Pureed Foods: Day One

Here's what I ate today (calories in brackets):

Breakfast: 200ml fresh orange juice (80), tea (0), ½ portion of blueberry and apple Oatso Simple porridge oats (65) with 120ml soya milk (50)

Lunch: 295g Weight Watchers hearty vegetable broth (92) with ½ small tin Heinz baked beans (72)

Early tea: 300ml low fat hot chocolate (40), one soft mint (10)

Early supper: ½ Tesco vegetarian cottage pie (175), 300ml low sugar Ribena (10)

Late supper: Tesco meringue case (55) with Weight Watchers yoghurt (50) and strawberry puree (28) and sugar (30)

Total calories for the day = 767

Another milestone reached!

Today is the first day of my three week pureed foods phase! No more fluids - yippee!

I've been struggling to think of different foods that I can eat during this phase and have got some ideas from the forums. So, I thought it might be useful if I posted details of my daily food intake for the next seven days. It might give you some ideas. I'll post the details in a separate post called Pureed Foods: Day One.

Today, the weather has been absolutely glorious in the north of England. I took the opportunity to go for a lovely walk around the fields and woods a few miles from home. I got back and had a bite to eat and then went to Tesco for a marathon shop. It was a marathon shop because I spent a lot of time browsing around looking for inspiration and ideas on what I can eat over the next three weeks. I came back with loads of weird and wonderful things, including some meringue cases, sugar-free jelly, a couscous snack pot and a tin of chilli beans! I had a look at the pots of hummous but even the low fat ones were very high in calories so I gave them a miss.

By the time I got back from Tesco I had clocked up 9000 steps on my pedometer and was very tired. It wasn't that my legs were aching or anything, just that I felt completely lacking in energy. I clearly needed some food! I came back and had some vegetarian cottage pie then deliberately had a drink to wash it all down to make room for some more food later on! I hasten to add that post-pie, I had still only had 550 calories.

More about eating 'on the go'

I was doing fine today until this afternoon. I ate some soup at 1pm, during a meeting again (!), but then had continuous meetings at work until I left at 5.15pm. Once home at 6.15pm I then had to have a quick change and go straight out again to help with a children's group I'm involved in once a week. I don't usually get home from that until 8.30pm - so that would have meant I would have gone from 1pm to 8.30pm without eating anything. So, I thought, what can I grab and go? The only thing I could find was two squares of Dairy Milk chocolate! I sucked them slowly, and actually, they did tide me over until I got something 'proper' to eat at about 8.45pm.

Now, I wouldn't normally advocate eating chocolate. BUT, in the first place, the two squares amounted to only 80 calories, and in the second place, I really don't think that not eating anything for nearly 8 hours is very healthy. It's a bit difficult while on the puree phase to find anything that I can 'grab and go'. Once I'm on 'normal' foods, there's no reason why I cannot grab an apple or a banana. But in the meantime, unless I think of anything else, I'm going to keep squares of chocolate for emergencies.

In moderation, of course, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with chocolate. It has sugar, yes, but so does low fat yoghurt. It does have a decent amount of milk, which is a good thing. I also have a theory, that if I can manage to be self-controlled and JUST eat one or two squares of chocolate, I might actually defeat my chocoholicism for good.

How much to eat?

I have only 36 hours before I officially move from fluids to pureed foods - though my dietician said I can already eat mashed potato, thick soup and runny scrambled egg. I have read and re-read all of the information I have and am still confused about how much I am allowed to eat while on the puree phase. I believe, at this stage, that there is very little restriction around my stomach 'pouch' because the band is loose and had no fill. Nevertheless, I still have to be careful not to over-stretch the band because this can diminish the messages coming from the brain that the pouch is full.

I have no problem with calorie control - I once lost four stones while on my own low fat diet - I consumed about 1400 calories a day but still managed to eat huge portions to fill me up. I did this by cutting out any fatty food (I was consuming about 15% fat per day) and bulking up on low calorie foods such as vegetables - marrow, for example, has very few calories in so you can eat loads of it.

However, in my current situation, I need to aim for about 1000 calories per day, ideally, but without the bulk. What I am unclear about is what sort of bulk I should be consuming. My information says 3-6 tablespoons - but apart from the fact that I do not own a tablespoon - I don't really know how much weight of food a tablespoon holds. I found out on the web that a tablespoon is equivalent to 15 ml - but that is a fluid measure not a weight. If that 15 ml cvolume was taken up with water then the weight would be 15g because the density of water is 1. However, I expect most foods have a higher density than water and therefore the same volume (15 ml) will equate to a greater weight in grammes. But how much greater? It's much easier to weigh food than to fit it into a tablespoon and test for volume.

I posted a message on a forum and one lady said she reckons a coffee mug filled with food is about the volume she uses as a guide. Somewhere else (cannot remember where) I recall seeing that two tablespoons of food is all your small stomach pouch can take at one time - and that's equivalent to about 60g or the volume of a golf ball.......!

So, I just need to go out and buy a coffee mug, a tablespoon and a golf ball and I should be OK!

Eating on the go - or not

I guess we've all been there - rushing around at work, dashing here, dashing there, grabbing a quick sandwich and a bar of chocolate (or two!) on the go. I cannot do this any more because of the need to eat slowly, chewing everything carefully. Also, I'm still on semi-fluids so am having soup for lunch. Today, knowing I had to rush from one meeting to another without any scope for a lunch break, I had to phone up the meeting convenor and ask him if there was a microwave available! I ended up sipping soup in the meeting - much to everyone's amusement!

Yesterday I didn't fare so well - another very hectic day - and in the absence of a microwave! In the end I didn't get anything that could be described as 'lunch' until 3pm. Having started work at 7am I was starving!

In the future, when I have had my fill and found my 'sweet spot', I guess things won't be any different as I will still need to practice a great deal of care over my meals and eating. It won't be an option, if I want this thing to work, to just 'grab and go'. So for me, the band provides a means of getting my life (especially work life) in order in other ways. I will have to learn how to say 'no' much more often and make sure that I have clear breaks planned in my day to allow for food. I will have to take a little time the night before to prepare food to take to work each day.

We have a canteen at work that does nice salads so sometimes I won't have to do the preparation the night before - I can eat there instead. They also have jacket potatoes though they are usually enormous! This will be a welcome break for me because I've always been of the opinion that NOT having to prepare sandwiches etc for lunch was some sort of 'reward' for working - a well-deserved luxury!

Thank heaven for husbands

I've mentioned my husband a few times during the course of this Blog, but never really said much about his role in all of this. When I first raised the issue of gastric surgery (I didn't know the difference then between a bypass and a band), he says he was "a little shocked". But once I had talked him through the why's and wherefore's he was quick to accept my reasoning and my judgement on the matter. Since then, he has been nothing but completely and totally supportive. I expect it's been a real pain for him - the hospital visits; the weird food I've been consuming; soup explosions in the kitchen; the odd meal times; the mood swings; the constant clutter from bits of liquidisers, storage jars and plastic bottles; and the sudden proliferation of teaspoons in the washing-up heap! That's to say nothing of the constant "will you inspect my wound?" requests; multiple (and at times, odd) shopping demands (dressings, steri-strips, Lactusol, multivitamins, hot chocolate drink, Ribena, strawberries, storage jars, Oasis bottles - empty, and ice cube bags); demands to "come for a walk with me"; and constant requests, in the early days, to "get me this, get me that" so I didn't have to move around too much. The first night back home he spent about an hour adjusting and re-adjusting my pillows until I got comfortable - and then I chucked him out of his side of the bed for the rest of the first week because I couldn't sleep on my left side!

And through all of this, he hasn't once complained. He has been there all the time, ready, willing and available to meet my every need and I absolutely could not have done this without him. It's not just the practical things but he's also been there for moral support - to encourage me and raise a smile on my face when I didn't feel like smiling. He's encouraged me to keep walking, to get plenty of rest, not to go back to work too early - and he's done everything around the house as well as all the extra shopping so I didn't have to.

Thank heaven for husbands - I couldn't do without mine. I love him to bits - he's my friend, my lover and my soulmate. x x x x x x x x x

The wonders of medical science

It's amazing to think that I have one of these inside me! I had a prod around my tummy area this morning and think I can feel roughly where the 'port' is situated. It feels like slightly harder tissue than elsewhere - but in a general area - not like a hard lump or anything. I must say, if I'd only ever seen the picture and not actually seen and felt a complete band, I might have been a bit less enthusiastic about having the surgery because it looks rather large and intrusive. In practice, the band that I was shown is really soft and floppy - it's made of silicon so it's quite a nice texture and very flexible. The length of the tube connecting the port and the band is adjusted to suit your individual body size so that there isn't a lot of loose tube flopping about inside me!

I've just been looking back at my documentation on the surgery and I suddenly began to marvel about the wonders of medical science and the amazing things that can be done these days. I know it's very early days yet, I am only 17 days post-op, but so far I don't have any regrets at all. I'm finding the fluids and purees quite easy to cope with and just see this little man-made contraption inside me as a potential life-saver. More than that, I already feel tonnes better emotionally. My head is starting to tell me that I have an acceptable and fit body ('fit' in the old-fashioned sense!), even though the reality of that is months or even years away yet. My only worry at this stage is that I'll get impatient.

The link is to an article (hosted on the Healthier Weight web site) about the relative success of intensive weight loss programmes compared with gastric band surgery. But I think we all knew that anyway....!

Lap Band Talk

I thought I would draw your attention to a web site that I found yesterday - it's called Lap Band Talk and it has LOADS of different forums for different topics. There are 1000's of posts about everything related to gastric band surgery. If you've got a band or are thinking of getting one, this is an excellent site to find out all sorts of interesting things and get your questions answered.

Mushy ideas....

Feeling better today though still not 100%. I've had some mashed potato and mashed broccoli in vegetable gravy today. It tasted lovely but despite mashing the over-cooked broccoli for ages, it was difficult to get rid of its natural fibrousness (is that a word?!). I added some protein by mashing the potato in Philadelphia cream cheese and soya milk rather than using margarine. I made enough out of a small portion of broccoli and one medium potato to fill two 7-inch side plates (what I've been told to eat off!). The total calories for these two 'meals' was only 170!

I've been looking at recipes elsewhere on the Internet and found a couple of high protein possibilities for the puree phase: hummous (high in protein and low in fat) and mashed avocado!

Tummy bug or band problem?

Since yesterday afternoon I have not been feeling that well - I have a tight band (excuse the pun) around the middle of my tummy feeling a little like cramp. I also feel a little nauseous, tired and generally feeble - oh, and my appetite (such as it was) has gone completely and I'm struggling to consume anything. Even though I managed a 6000 step walk yesterday early afternoon, today I've not even been able to manage getting out at all. I came up with several theories as to what the problem might be:

1. Trapped wind: Not likely since I have been belching and er, the other, for England!
2. Over-eating or eating too fast: Hardly likely, I only managed 500 calories yesterday - and that was just soup sipped slowly.
3. Some other band-related problem (eg slippage): Again hardly likely since I've only 'eaten' soup and other fluids so far.
4. Tummy bug: Well, colleagues at work have been dropping like flies this week as there is a tummy bug doing the rounds. Having considered all the possibilities, this is the one I think most likely.

Having said all of that, I have improved a little in the last hour or so and got some of my appetite back. I nibbled away at a tiny mashed potato and some runny scrambled egg and actually, that made me feel a little better.

I guess us bandits have to deal with these problems every so often. The key, I suppose, will be to always stick to 'the rules' no matter what is going on with our bodies! Good luck out there.

Two-week post-op review

I had my two-week review this morning at HW in Manchester. Everything seemed to go OK and the nurse is pleased with how my surgery wounds are healing. I've had a lot of soreness associated with the adhesive dressings that covered the wounds and the nurse suggested I try Bio Oil or Arnica. I got some of the former on the way home, and although its very expensive, it is very soothing. I asked about when I could go swimming - and the answer is, basically, as soon as the larger of my wounds is healed (probably just a few days) - this one is still not quite knit together at one point in the middle. I used to do a lot of swimming so am looking forward to being able go again - it will relieve the boredom of walking the streets accumulating 'steps' on my pedometer! Having said that, I went for a walk with hubby today and managed almost 6000 - the highest post-surgery number so far.

The best news, however, was that I can now start to experiment with slightly thicker fluids - thicker soups, runny scrambled egg and creamy mashed potatoes. I am not officially on pureed foods yet for another week but the idea is to smooth the transition from fluids to purees over this coming week. I guess the first step I will make will be to stop sieving (after two weeks of sieving just about everything I cannot wait!) - I've even been sieving Actimel to get the tiny orange bits out! Well, no more of that!

Some suggestions I have for food over the next week are:
Thicker soup, or soup with soft bits in (eg soft beans or vegetables)
Runny scrambled egg (though not too much or it will counteract the Lactasol!!!)
Creamy mashed potatoes (with Philadelphia Light mixed in for added flavour)
Soft, runny porridge
Pureed soft vegetables (eg broccoli, cauliflower, courgette, butternut squash)

Ooohh I'm making myself hungry - time to make some more homemade soup...!

What to say when asked?

Twice this week I've had to deal with colleagues at work who have asked me straight out, what I had 'done' when I was in hospital having 'minor surgery' last week. I had to tell my line manager and a couple of colleagues that I was going for surgery two weeks ago, but didn't tell anyone what it was all about. I decided a while ago not to tell anyone about my decision to have gastric band surgery except my husband. But I didn't expect colleagues to be quite so nosey!! In the event, I just told both of them that I didn't want to say what it was all about 'at this stage'.

I've been thinking about this issue a lot recently. When I'm not with my husband I feel a bit isolated and alone with my 'secret'. I think I'd like it if there was just one person in my family and one person at work who knew the truth. I'm going to give this some more thought over the weekend and make a decision.

Another related thing that I have struggled with this week, is that lots of colleagues have shown great concern over my health - they know I've had surgery and are genuinely concerned - they probably think I have some 'serious' disease or something. I'm a little anxious about what they might think if they ever found out what I had done - they may think that gastric band surgery is in some way self inflicted, cosmetic surgery etc. Now, don't get me wrong - I emphatically do NOT believe it is cosmetic. In fact, I regard my band as being a preventative measure against some potentially life-threatening diseases (heart disease, strokes, cancer, mobility problems etc). But having read loads of people in the media calling Fern Britton a 'cheat', you just never know what people's reaction is going to be and what misconceptions they have about the band.

I guess that since I'm not planning on telling them (only one, perhaps), I'll just have to deal with this at the time if it ever happens! If people ask me how I have lost weight, I will tell a half truth - I'll say "I'm exercising and eating less" - that would be entirely truthful - it will just leave out one important detail! Having said that, my provider says that while the band does 30% of the work - I will have to do the other 70%.

Time to put on my thinking cap......

Plodding along....

Plodding along is what I feel I am doing at present. Plodding along slowly until the next big milestone (pureed foods in 9 days time).

For those who read my post yesterday, I am, obviously, still alive after my Weight To Go chick pea dahl experiment. Actually, it turned out to be a spicy vegetable dahl with peas rather than chick peas - but hey, food is food! I emptied the whole pack into the blender, together with loads of vegetable stock. It made up two quite large portions of soup, one of which I had last night. It's very nice, but I warn you, it really is quite spicy. I'm looking forward to the day when I'll be able to eat it as it stands rather than liquidising it.

I had a nice 35 minute walk this morning (about 4000 steps) in a local park. However, when I got back home I found that the 'large' wound was weeping ever so slightly and the steri strips I put on had peeled off. So, I've put some more on - but I hope this wound heals OK and doesn't leave me with a horrible scar. I guess I think, and have done for a number of years, that my body is horrible. I know that the band is a major step to putting this right (particularly in terms of fitness), but I'm a little afraid that losing weight will leave me with a 'tummy apron'. We'll see......

Wounded and weary

I got out of bed at 7.15am after a solid eight hours sleep, but immediately felt really dizzy and light-headed. I wandered around aimlessly for a while, trying unsuccessfully to focus on something without it moving before my eyes, before I decided it really wasn't a good idea to drive 30 miles to work in Manchester - so I went back to bed! I did manage to summon some clear-headedness after nearly three hours more kip and so worked at home today. I'm on a mission to eat more today because I fear lack of calories (still only 600-ish a day) is probably the cause of my morning experience.

Still, it's not all bad - I had my first proper shower for 10 days today and it was fab! I also removed the last of my dressings. The scar over the port site is about 4cm and is tidy, but there's a little bit of it that doesn't seem fully healed. I sent hubby out for some steri-strips and have put three of those over the wound to keep it 'together' so to speak.

I've had an interesting milk, lemon yoghurt and liquidised melon drink (I've called it 'lemelon'!) and this evening I'm going to experiment with that liquidised chick pea dahl....... If I'm still alive tomorrow I'll let you know how it went!

Wobbly wobbly

I suppose that’s how you could describe me at present, but I was really referring to the orange flavoured jelly I have setting in the fridge! I’m becoming more and more inventive about what I eat (I’m planning to liquidise a Weight-To-Go chick pea dahl tomorrow!). Having said that, I read a posting on the GB Forum from a lady who liquidised an entire roast dinner (including Yorkshire puds!) – I’m not sure if I’ll go that far! But back to the jelly. I don’t quite know how this works, because the last time I ate jelly it was solid, rather than liquid. However, my nurse told me I could eat jelly if I got bored with the other liquid stuff on offer. So I will. I imagine it counts as liquid because that’s what it becomes before you swallow it…?

Dressings (4) off!

I spoke to my nurse today and she told me I could take my dressings off! At last. I’ve had so much skin soreness and itching with the damned things – I didn’t take telling twice. I removed the outer adhesive dressings, then soaked the suture dressings underneath until they were ready to peel off. I decided to leave the ‘big one’ (the one that covers the port area) for now because although it’s dry, this one looks a lot larger and scabbier (and OK, yes, I’m scared!!)! However, the other four are off now and I feel a sense of freedom! I also have quite a lot of soreness – not on the wounds, which all look very neat, but around them – where the adhesive has been; very red and sore. The wounds, though, look as though they will heal very well, leaving very little scarring.

I’ll take the last one off tomorrow and that will be another milestone passed. The next milestone will be this Saturday when I can stop wearing the anti-embolism stockings! Then a week later I’ll be off fluids and onto mush (sorry, puree).......

New recipe: Fish soup!

Today was my first day back at work post-surgery. It went OK though I felt a bit tired and lost my eating 'rhythm' with the pressure of catching up on work stuff. The result was that even though I started work at 7am, by 5pm I had still only consumed about 300 calories, and not surprisingly, was feeling a bit light headed. I had some already-made homemade soup as soon as I got home but was hungry for more a couple of hours later. I found myself having a sudden craving for cod in parsley sauce! So, I tried a new soup:

One boil-in-the-bag cod in parsley sauce (105 calories)
100ml soya milk (40 calories)
200 ml vegetable stock (10 calories)
One small potato (75 calories)

Boil the potato and boil-in-the-bag cod in the same saucepan (no reason, only it saves on washing up!). Put the cooked potato, cod and sauce, stock and milk in the liquidiser and blend. Sieve into a jug and pour! This makes about 600ml of soup which is two decent portions, with a total calorific value of 230 (or 115 each serving). Lovely!

Eight days post-op: Progress

Eight days on from surgery, I seemed to have reached a turning point. I haven’t had a any painkillers for nearly 48 hours now and am no longer feeling bloated or light headed. I still get twinges from the left side of my stomach (near the port site) - feeling much like a persistent stitch, especially when I lean over or bend down to the left. I am sleeping well and am back on my own side of the bed! I’ve been walking 3-5000 steps each day and not finding that too much trouble if I take it gently. I’m not belching half as much now as I was and the Lactolose and prune juice seem to have done the trick (I'll say no more!).

I am still struggling to consume significantly more than 600 calories a day though – something my husband has started nagging me about. A typical day’s food intake is:
Breakfast: Orange juice (smooth), Actimel (sieved), tea (black and sugarless – how I like it). Total = 165 cals.
Lunch: Homemade soup, tea and half a strawberry shake. Total = 150 cals.
Late afternoon: More soup (sometimes homemade, sometimes Weight Watchers), tea or sugar-free Ribena. Total = 90 cals.
Evening: Half a strawberry shake, more sugarless drinks (eg tea, Ribena or Diet Coke), a yoghurt (thinned with milk) or custard with strawberry puree. Total = 220 cals.

Total = 625 cals.

Even as I write this, it is 3.20pm and I have consumed a total of 245 calories thus far – and I am not hungry. I cannot work out why since supposedly there is no restriction from my band at the moment. On the down side, I am a little less energetic than usual (though not that much really). Also, I maybe not getting the nutrition I need (though I’m taking chewable multivitamins) and may be losing weight too fast (is this a problem?). On the up side, I don’t have hunger to contend with (yet) and am losing weight – 17 stone 12 lbs at this morning’s weigh-in!

Good luck out there.

My ‘Food Story’ - Part 5: So why get banded?

All my overweight life, I always believed, somewhere in the back of my mind, that one day, just one day, I would lose all this excess weight and be slim and fit. I’d be able to walk into any high street shop and buy ‘normal’ clothes. I’d not have any difficulties buying specialist clothing such as waterproofs, salopettes (!), motorcycle leathers and walking gear. I’d be fit, able to walk up hills as fast as my husband, 25 years my senior. And I’d feel good, look good, be accepted, not be whispered about and laughed at. I didn’t have a plan as to how or when this was going to happen. I guess I just believed that one day I would summon up the willpower to be able to do it all by myself.

When I reached my fortieth birthday, I realised that I was firmly in the middle-aged phase of life. I also realised that my weight was now not just a temporary ‘blip’ but a permanent state that was going to rapidly shorten my lifespan, and almost certainly bring with it a whole host of medical problems. Not least of those medical problems were those of a psychological nature - a complete lack of self-esteem and self-confidence and recurring cycles of depression. During these last four years, I slowly but surely came to accept that under my own steam, relying on sheer willpower alone, I was never going to be that slim person I’d so dreamed of. I recalled seeing a lady on TV a few years before speaking of how she’d had gastric surgery. I couldn’t remember whether she’d had a band or a bypass – and at the time I didn’t know the difference, but I do remember thinking how desperate she must have been to put herself through that. I’d also heard various snippets of information about people having their stomach ‘stapled’ and a couple of months ago decided, very privately, to find some information about it on the Internet.

I found out fairly quickly about the different types of gastric surgery available and that the band was almost certainly the best and most appropriate option for me. I also discovered that while there are lots of cosmetic surgery companies out there offering gastric banding, Healthier Weight has as one its guiding beliefs, that gastric band surgery is emphatically not cosmetic surgery. This certainly fits with my own views on the matter. I gathered all the information I needed, including costs, and broached the subject with my husband. He says now that he was a bit shocked at first (so was I!), but he knows that I don’t go into anything light-heartedly. I’m an ‘all or nothing’ sort of person and he trusted that I’d looked into all the possibilities, all the probable outcomes and risks and allowed me to make my own decision – with no pressure, only support.

I think that once I’d got used to the idea for a few days, my brain just came to accept that that was what I was going to do. I did get a small attack of nerves just a few days before the pre-op diet began, and questioned whether this was the right thing to do –but truthfully, my main concern was whether or not I’d ever be able to do ‘normal’ things again – like go out for a meal with my family. I thought a lot about that and decided that even if I couldn’t, the alternative just wasn’t worth thinking about. I’ve since decided that I could do that anyway (soup for starter, starter for main course, ice cream for dessert!), although not too frequently.

So, the decision was made. And here I am, 8 days post-op, feeling very positive and bright about the future. I know it’s not going to be a ‘picnic’ (not the best metaphor!) and there will be tough times ahead. But all I have to do during those times is think of what I was like, what I would have been like, and where my future was heading.

My ‘Food Story’ - Part 4

….but it was not to be. I started the job that I now still have: In the first two years I worked 65-70 hours a week, not including the two hour daily commute to Manchester. This was a terrible period of time for me and endurable pressure became unbearable stress. I made a decision after that to reduce my working hours and say ‘no’ a little more often. I did this, not so much to help with my weight problem, but to reduce stress, which was rapidly becoming a bigger issue for me, impacting on my mental state, depression, relationships and self-esteem. This was not helped by the fact that in 2003, at the age of 39, and for the first time in my life, I reached 19 and-a-half stone, giving me a BMI of 42. I went on another low fat diet and got down to about 18 stone but then my heavy workload and associated stress got the better of me and I didn’t progress any further downwards.

I have fluctuated down and up again from this point over the past five years but 19 stone 7 lbs remains the heaviest I have ever been. I have reached that weight several times but there has been a determination about me not to exceed the capacity of my bathroom scales (20 stone) that has always stopped me going any further upwards! But I always feared that one day I would, and then there will be no turning back.

I was fortunate in 2004 to be able to take part in an organised 4-week walking trip to Norway and during this time lost over a stone. That was the last time I weighed as little as 17 stone. There was a particular disappointment associated with this, however; several years ago (about 1995, I think), I purchased some new salopettes during one of our annual skiing holidays. I only wore them twice and they never fit me again after that. Instead, I had to wear an awful pair of motorcycle over-trousers which are uncomfortable, make me sweat, are inflexible, look ridiculous and I HATE them!!!! When I got down to 17 stone in 2004 I anticipated the pleasure I would gain from being able to wear the salopettes again, at last, but alas – they still wouldn’t fit! I am hoping (perhaps it is just wishful thinking) that having been banded, I just might be able to wear them for my 2009 ski holiday - watch this space!

My 'Food Story' - Part 3

To pick up where I left off, what went wrong was my ankle. Out on a long run, with about 8 miles under me belt and another 4 to go, without warning, I got a sudden very intense pain in my right ankle and had to stop. In fact, I was unable to put any weight on the ankle at all and literally had to hop on one leg to a phone box to call hubby and ask him to come and collect me (in the days before mobiles!). To cut a long story short, I'd damaged the ligament in my ankle quite badly – through general over-use - and had to rest it from running for at least six months.

During that six months I continued to swim several times a week but gave up the cycling – I was never that keen on it anyway. I also continued to consume the same amount of food I had when I was running 45 miles per week....... Very quickly the pounds piled on and by the time I was in a position to try out my rested ankle again I was a full stone-and-a-half heavier. Now, excessive weight and running and bad ankles do not mix.... There began a vicious circle in which I tried to keep up the running but had to keep stopping for periods of weeks at a time to rest my ankle; when I rested I put weight on; when I ran again I was heavier - which put more pressure on my ankle..... In the end I stopped running all together and the inevitable ballooning began. So, 10 stone 4 lbs at age 24 gradually became 16 stone at age 31. Almost a stone a year – it shocked me a little when I calculated this just now as I hadn't realised before that a huge chunk of my weight gain was just as concentrated in time as this.

What else happened during this period to have led to so much weight gain? I suppose I got into bad habits. I'd boast how I could go from being asleep one minute to being fully washed and dressed in my car ready to leave for work just 20 minutes later! The problem was, I was skipping breakfast. During a two year spell in local government, we were treated to a 'morning trolley' – a lady would bring a trolley round about 10.30am each day (just as I getting peckish from my lack of breakfast), laden with all sorts of chocolatey goodies. None of the thin people seemed to resist – so why should I? I also took up a distance learning course during this period which meant studying in the evenings when I got home from work. Hence, no time for activities, less time for healthy cooking and eating, and more excuse for snacking-while-you-work.

From the age of 30-33 my weight steadied at around 16 stone. I think this was around the time that I first started to get depressed about my weight. I remember being incredibly upset about an off-the-cuff remark from a colleague referring to my weight. My bosses also picked me up during an annual appraisal for my poor dress code – it wasn't that I didn't want, or didn't know how to dress better, just that my weight was severely limiting my choice. I recall the embarrassment of first having to use Evans as my clothes shop. Even now, as I walk through the doors of Evans, a voice in my head seems to cry “Everyone's looking at you and saying look how fat she is – she has to buy her clothes there...”.

I gained another two stones over the next six years while I studied part-time for a PhD at Leeds. Living in Liverpool, this meant a daily commute of 140 miles, every day for six years. Yes I know, mad. I look back over those years and I really don't know how I did it. I do know that many of my meals were takeaways, grabbed during the course of a journey to or from work. I know that cooking at home was always a hasty affair, relying on ready meals, pizzas and other such junk. I also know that during the day I often survived on bars of chocolate, pies, anything that could be grabbed and eaten quickly to fit in with my hectic lifestyle. I also know that in terms of exercise, I did very little, I spent nearly four hours a day in my car and the rest either sleeping or working.

Perhaps the end of my PhD studies in 2000 would signal a new start, a new me?